#actuallymentalill

recently i was diagnosed schizophrenia. finally. it was a bpd before.

well how to start. there was a very tough year. i made a lot of bad irrational things, lost my job, tried to commit suicide over and over again. a lot of people just stuck me out of their life. the voices shouted in my head. the cockroaches. gosh, a lot of cockroaches. blood. the man following me. and, god, i was so paranoid. i didn’t realize what happened to me. not a clue. i was delusional, lost and hallucinated almost all the time. and to be honest it wasn’t my first psychotic episode. i have started to see things since i was seven (i’m 25 now). but it always was an explanation. you know, vivid fantasy or magic or ghosts or paranormal things or anything else but hallucinations. i thought i was okay. anxious and manic, but okay. it’s not a big deal, you see.

i was drowning, but one very special person pulled me out. still words can't express my gratitude. and i decided to fight the disease for him, ‘cause i lack motivation to do it for me. i wish i could write i feel better now, but to be honest i still struggle with hallucinations and paranoia every day. despite my medication and therapy.