#actuallyican

Although this isn’t quite like proving someone else wrong ... I feel I was able to prove something to myself. This is a story about my IBS (irritable bowel syndrome) and how it has played a big part in my life.

When I was eight years old, my parents divorced. Simultaneously, I got incredibly sick, my body’s reaction to the divorce. Although I was young and didn’t fully understand what all was happening and what it would mean for the rest of my life ... another part of me did. Before I was hardly sick and social and active ... but after this? Not anymore.

We didn’t understand why I was so sick all the time, or what to call it. Nothing I ate would stay down, including water. The bathroom was where you could find me, my toilet my best friend, and the floor my new bed sometimes. I could hardly sleep, often being sleep deprived and had very little energy. The best way I could fall asleep was with my head on the couch and knees on the ground, arms dangling to allow my stomach to feel suspended. It was either that or sleeping with my mom, hunched over so my chest was pressed against my legs and head against a pillow. I was always having some sort of stomach pains, I lost an abnormal amount of weight and ... it wasn’t fun. The moment I would find a food that would actually stay down, I would eat only that until my stomach would reject it.

Eventually I was taken to a hospital to get pictures taken of my stomach. They said they didn’t know what exactly it could have been (finding no virus/stomach bug kind of thing), the closest they could relate it to being IBS. I was given medicine after medicine only to find nothing was helping. Instead, we worked on finding foods that would not trigger my IBS, so that I could live as well as possible. Come to find ... I could not eat a majority of fruits and vegetables, along with beef and turkey. Grains, dairy, pig and chicken became my best friend, but it also became difficult when: eating out, going to a friend’s for dinner, family meals, school lunches, etc. It can often be difficult to tell someone: “I’m not allergic to that, but it will make me sick.” I feared going anywhere other than home in the case someone would give me food I could not eat. Not only this but strenuous exercise or stress would make me sick almost as immediately. 

But in terms of academics ... obviously being so ill and so often, meant missing many days of school. One average, I would miss about 1/3+ of each school year. In middle school it was the worst, and high school got a little better ... but it was still hard missing 1/3 of everything. Social opportunities were difficult, classroom settings were hard (as no one would remember me), catching up with homework and constantly approaching teachers about what I missed always stressed me. Someone who had been bubbly, a social butterfly, physically active and ready to face the world head on was lost. Instead, I became depressed (terribly so), lonely and friendless for so long, socially anxious, easily stressed (rip my hair), very overweight (mainly due to my limited diet + depression), and someone I wish I wasn’t. But...

actually, I can.

Even though I hardly left the house, I made use of my time. I would practice my drawing which has since turned from a hobby that distracted my mind from my stomach, into what I am going to do with my life. Though I didn’t meet very many people irl, I met many wonderful people I was happy to call my friends online. I may have missed a lot of school, but I still managed to have A’s and B’s, gaining important study skills and getting to know the best way I learn. (Even though I am a bit salty that my GPA was 0.1 off to get ropes for graduation, I did do my best.) When it came to studies, I was a hard worker. I learned how to listen and catch on quick to any information I was given. I learned how to approach teachers (which has become very handy in college). I learned that even in the depths of depression and self hate ... there is still a way out. I learned to trust my parents and those I knew a bit better, to not keep things bottled in all the time. I learned how to remain positive in rough times, getting to know myself better and better. And through these rough times, I hope to help other people as well. To spread some positivity and be there for people who have had it hard like I have.

My family is a mess and not the most ideal, my health far below where I wish it was, my body hating me in so many ways, education having been so difficult for so long ... I have made it through it.

Now, I still have depression and anxiety (and my IBS for 12 years), but I have learned how to handle it and am seeking the counseling I have needed for so long. I am careful with what I eat, but I have also come to find more food I can eat. I never miss a day of school and succeed in my classes. I have been working on becoming a bit more social and learning how to talk to people irl, becoming more comfortable with holding a conversation and be less of an outsider. I have a job in customer service that has forced me out of my quiet bubble. And maybe, I even have people I can call a friend ...