The boy I was going to marry chapter 9
A/N: Ahh..thanks for all the lovely comments! AlrightyâŚthis isâŚwowâŚthe longest chapter yet. But honestly? The whole time I thought of the plot, this was the most heartbreaking one. And I cried! I friggin legit cried writing this. Now, it might not be as heartbreaking for you guys, but do read it and let me know, alright? For now, I think the worst (sad/angst) part is over! Two more chapters now till the last chapter ! So hang in there. AhhâŚI really, really hope this chapter doesnât disappoint and I think I just broke my heart over Mickey. Kay, Iâll let you guys decide <3 As usual, much love! Anon who has mixed feelings about Mickey, I hope this chapter does you proud! :D
[Past: 26th of August 1998]
I hadnât seen Tom since that day.
He had told me he needed space and time to think things through.
And that seeing me would complicate things further.
I understandâŚ
Iâll wait for you Tom.
Iâll wait.
So I had gone about my way, attending summer school.
To make up for my failing grades.
It was a way to distract me as well.
I tried to ignore the feelings of anxiety and panic.
Tom wonât let you down.
He has never done so.
Just be patientâŚ
Heâll be there.
TomorrowâŚ
It was hard not seeing Tom at allâŚ
We had hardly spent a day apart since meetingâŚ
I miss you.
I miss your eyes, your curls, your laughter.
Your jokes.
You.
How many times had I been tempted to climb over to his place?
Like the hundreds of times we had done?
But I knew I had to give him space.
Too much had happened and we needed space and time for things to sink in.
Heâll be there tomorrow.
I donât know what weâll do or where weâll goâŚ
But weâll be together.
Right?
So instead, I hugged Missy.
I hugged her and tried to comfort myself.
To calm myself down.
I would stare at the jar of yellow smarties he had given me.
Reassuring myself that he did love me.
He does.
I know he does.
It wonât matter after tomorrow.
Nonetheless, I could hardly contain myself.
Jumpy.
Anxious.
Scared.
But we have to try, right?
We have to.
I opened the front door to my house, thinking of ways to avoid contact with my parents.
We hadnât spoken much since the day my dad confronted me.
Itâs okay.
I wonât have to deal with this much longer.
Soon it will just be Tom and I.
I had just successfully reached the landing of the stairs, when my mother called outâŚ
âMickeyâŚâ
Shit.
I donât want to do this now.
Not when Iâm feeling this way.
So unsure of what will happen.
I stopped and slowly turned around to face both of my parents, standing a few feet away from me.
âYes?â I asked.
Itâs just today, Mickey.
Itâs just today.
Tomorrow youâll see Tom.
You just need to get through this first.
My dad cleared his throat, seemingly uncomfortable.
We donât have to do this you know?
Nothing will come out of it.
Nothing is going to stop me.
Someone has to startâŚ
âIs this about Tom again? Look, youâre wasting your breath and timeâŚIâm not letting go of himâŚYou donât understand how much he means to meâŚI know you think Iâm some stupid teenager who has a puppy crush love on the boy next door. But youâŚâ I started to say but my mother cut me off.
She said the two words.
The two words that made me feel as if my world had just fallen away.
No.
No.
âHeâs goneâŚâ she said, quietly.
No.
Youâre lying.
He canât be.
I saw his bedroom light go on last night.
Heâs still hereâŚ
Itâs my birthday tomorrow.
Tomorrow is the day Iâm going to see him againâŚ
He promised.
I stood there, stunned, frozen.
âYoâyouâre lyingâŚâ I whispered, my hands clenching into fists.
âHeâs gone, Mickey. His entire family left for London when you were in school todayâŚâ my father said.
Youâre lying.
It canât be.
He wouldnât leave without saying goodbye to me.
He wouldnât.
He canât.
He promised that we would be together.
I couldnât register anything.
I felt numb.
Itâs not real.
It canât be.
I swallowed, staring at my parentsâ faces.
Willing them to tell me that they were lying.
But I knewâŚ
I knew and it was slowly sinking in.
I canât dealâŚ
I have to see for myselfâŚ
I gave a cry and turned around, running up the stairs.
âMickeyâŚâ I heard my mother cry out..
No.
I have to see for myself.
Tom.
Tom.
You canât have left.
Not without saying goodbye to me firstâŚ
You canât.
And then I was there, on Theodore, scrambling as fast as my limbs could.
His bedroom light is off.
But itâs daylight, right?
Itâs daylight.
Iâll knock on his windowâŚ
And heâll open it like he always does.
And then heâll say my name in that one syllable so gently
So softly
So filled with love
MicksâŚ
Heâll be thereâŚ
In his roomâŚ
And then I was there, outside his window.
âTOM!â I yelled, slamming my fist against his window.
âTOM!â I yelled againâŚ
And then I looked inâŚ
His room was empty save for a few itemsâŚ
The packed boxes I had seen only just days ago were gone.
Gone.
I continued banging against the window, shouting his name.
Tom.
Tom.
Please, somebody open the window.
Somebody.
Anybody.
I slammed my fist against his window one last time, before sitting down on Theodore.
I canât.
I canât breathe.
I canâtâŚ
This isnât realâŚ
MaybeâŚmaybe heâs just gone out to buy groceries, right?
Maybe itâs a day tripâŚ
Heâll be backâŚ
Heâll always be backâŚ
Remember how we said you would always come and I would always wait?
I squeezed my eyes shut tight.
Willing it all to be a nightmare.
Nothing more than a nightmare.
I felt my heart tighten a little bit more as panic began rising in me.
This is not real.
Itâs not real.
I repeated over and over again, rocking on the branch.
Iâll open my eyes and heâll be there.
Heâll be there, opening the window for me, hugging me.
Telling me it was all a silly hallucination.
Of course he would never leave meâŚ
Not like thisâŚ
Not like thisâŚ
I opened my eyes slowlyâŚ
And then I saw itâŚ
I saw on his window ledgeâŚ
The yellow hot water bottle with the stick man drawing of him with curls.
No.
The âIt Takes Twoâ VCD.
No.
And a jar of yellow smarties.
No.
No.
No.
I reached out to touch the stick man drawing on the hot water bottle.
Tom.
The finality of the situation finally hit me.
No.
I felt my throat constrictâŚI felt the behind of my eyes burn with unshed tears.
Is this goodbye?
I knew it wasâŚ
And then I saw a sticky note on the jar of yellow smartiesâŚ
I love you, Mickey Clarke.
This is goodbye.
I tried reading the words again.
Trying to make sense of it all.
But I couldnât.
I couldnât.
Because my vision was already blurring with my scalding tearsâŚ
And I clutched the hot water bottle to meâŚ
Tom.
Tom.
And when the first tear rolled down my right cheekâŚ
It sunk in.
Heâs gone.
Heâs gone.
[end past]
[Present: 27th of August 2012]
âMickeyâŚâ my mum called out, snapping me out of my thoughts.
âHmm?â I looked up and saw her passing me the bowl of mashed potatoes.
I took it and mumbled my thanks.
My family and I had fallen into companionable silenceâŚ
There was no more hostility and we were trying to work our ways to be a family again.
A real family.
My mother had suggested we had my birthday dinner at home.
A tradition we hadnât practiced for 14 years.
Iâm happy.
I really am.
That weâre working our way towards being a family again.
Except all I could think of was that 14 years ago, Tom had left me the day before.Â
And 14 years later, he would be getting married tomorrow.
Tomorrow.
I hadnât cried neither had I slept much since I had yelled at Tom to clean up his shit.
All I did was count down the days.
As far as I had heard, Tom had returned to London with Laura after dinner that night.
Perhaps itâs for the best.
Heâs chosen her.
And there is no more room in his life for me.
And there is no more room in my life for him.
It didnât make me feel any better.
But it was time to face the truth.
And the truth is Tom is getting married tomorrow.
And tomorrow, my heart can finally and utterly break.
No more of this.
No more pining.
No more crying.
Just numbness.
But shouldnât I be used to it by now?
Every year on my birthday, I would remember how I had spent it 14 years ago, hugging Missy and that hot water bottle, sobbing my heart out.
And now, Iâll just have to accept that heâs going to be someone elseâs.
It didnât lessen the pain.
But it helped me feel numb.
And that was all I could do.
Then the doorbell rang.
âOh, Iâll get itâŚâ my dad said, pushing his chair back.
âI wonder who that could be at this time of the nightâŚâ my mum remarked.
I shrugged.
âDo you like your favourite pasta?â my mum asked.
I looked up at her and smiled in agreement.
My mum smiled happily.
Itâs been a long time since Iâve seen you smile this way, MumâŚ
Tell meâŚ
âMum?â
âHmm?â
âAre you happy?â
Are you really, truly happy?
She paused for awhile, looking down at her plate before smilingâŚ
âMickey, I am. I know it might seem hard to believe but I amâŚâ she said, quietly.
Mum, you deserve it, you know?
You deserve to be happyâŚ
âI meanâŚit takes a lot of workâŚyou know, Mickey? Happiness sometimes just doesnât come like that. Sometimes, it takes work, it takes two people who are willing to work together to create something beautifulâŚand everyoneâŚeveryone has their flaws.  But the keyâŚis to tryâŚyou will never know till you doâŚâ
âEven if that person has hurt you before? Even ifâŚhe broke your trust?â
We both know we arenât just talking about Dad.
Weâre talking about the men we loveâŚ
âThat dependsâŚâ
On?
âOn?â
âIt depends if you love him enough to try. And itâs not just the person you have to look at. But the relationship in its entirety. Did you love that relationship? If you did, is it enough for you to give that relationship a second chance? It depends on youâŚif you want itâŚthen try, sweetheart. I tried. Itâs not perfect but look at us. Weâre getting thereâŚâ
I wantâŚ
I want a second chanceâŚ
I smiled at her.
I donât think there was ever a time where we had ever sat down for a heart to heart this way.
My mum is strongâŚ
I have to try and put this behind.
My parents are tryingâŚ
I need to try tooâŚ
Try to carry on and make things betterâŚ
Then we heardâŚ
âIâm sorry but noâŚâ I heard my dad say.
Who is that?
âPlease sir, I need to see herâŚâ I heard Tomâs voice.
Tom.
My heart stopped.
Tom.
Heâs here?
âNo, ThomasâŚâ I heard my dad reply.
âMickeyâŚMicksâŚpleaseâŚI need to seââ I heard him call out.
Calling out to me.
I canât move.
I canâtâŚ
Tom is here.
Heâs here.
âThatâs enough. Havenât you caused her enough pain?â I heard my dad say.
Dad.
IâŚ
âI justâŚIâŚâ I heard Tom say.
I could hear the desperation in his voice.
The desperationâŚ
âMickeyâŚâ my mum started as I pushed back my chair.
âItâs okay, MumâŚâ I said, quietly.
No.
Maybe it isnâtâŚ
But heâs here.
And I have to see him.
Even if itâs just to say goodbye.
For the last time.
Even if itâs just thatâŚ
For the last timeâŚ
I walked over to my dad and I could make out Tom from behind him.
He was always tall and lankyâŚ
âMickeyâŚâ he said, quietly, looking at me.
My dad turned around and saw me standing there.
Standing there looking at Tom as ifâŚ
As if I was looking at the world.
No.
My world.
âMickeyâŚâ my dad said, approaching me, putting himself between me and Tom.
As if to protect me.
To stand between me and pain.
And for the first time.
For the first time in a very, very long time.
I love you, Dad.
Youâre not perfectâŚ
But youâre tryingâŚ
And there has never been another moment where Iâve felt such love for youâŚ
But I need to do this nowâŚ
For myselfâŚ
âMickeyâŚI need to talk to youâŚâ Tom pleaded.
And then I was looking at him.
Just looking.
As if I was seeing him for the very first timeâŚ
I had thought I would never see him again.
My Thomas William Hiddleston.
Not after that nightâŚ
âMickeyâŚâ my mum said, standing beside me, holding my hand.
Iâm okayâŚ
Iâm okayâŚ
âYou donât have to do anything you donât want toâŚâ she said, reassuringly, giving my hand a squeeze.
MumâŚ
I wish I could hide behind you and dadâŚ
Hide from the pain.
But I canât.
I have to face this now.
I have toâŚ
Itâs okayâŚ
I took in a deep breath and squeezed her hand backâŚ
âItâs okay, Mum. I can handle this. I want to handle thisâŚâ I whispered.
I have to.
Because no matter what happened.
No matter how angry I am
How hurt I am
How heartbroken I am
The boy I love is standing in my doorway, asking to speak to meâŚ
The boy I loveâŚ
Is asking to say goodbyeâŚ
âOkayâŚweâll be in here if you need usâŚâ she said, trying to give me a smile.
Except I canât smile insideâŚ
I canât.
I can hardly breathe.
Part of me wanted to slam the door in his face.
But part of meâŚ
Part of me wanted to run to him and hug himâŚ
I didnât want him to leave like 14 years ago.
Without a proper goodbyeâŚ
My dad stepped aside as I approached the door.
And then I was walking towards himâŚ
Thomas William Hiddleston, I love you.
You know that?
Even when youâre breaking my heart.
Even when youâre getting married tomorrowâŚ
And leaving me againâŚ
Youâre standing thereâŚ
And Iâm walking towards you.
And all I can think of is I love you.
And then I was thereâŚ
I was standing in front of Thomas William HiddlestonâŚ
He was dressed in a blue buttoned down shirt and black slacksâŚ
And he was carrying a small boxâŚ
And it felt like it was just the two of us in our own worldâŚ
Staring at each otherâŚ
And when I looked at his face, I knewâŚ
Youâve come too say goodbye, havenât you?
âHiâŚMicksâŚâ he saidâŚ
Breathe.
Breathe.
You can do thisâŚ
And once itâs overâŚ
Once itâs overâŚ
You can cryâŚ
âHiâŚTomâŚâ I whispered.
âComeâŚletâs step outside and talkâŚâ he said, stepping asideâŚ
I nodded my head slowly and walked out.
Heâs hereâŚ
We walked over to where Theodore, the tree I had loved, once stood.
It was only appropriate we say goodbye where it had all started.
Where it had all beganâŚ
I sat down on my side and he did, on his.
But Theodore isnât here anymoreâŚ
And this isnât us meeting for the first time
This is us saying goodbye for the last timeâŚ
It will be over soon, Mickey.
It willâŚ
I leaned back and laid on my back on the grass, propping my head up with my arms.
He did the same.
And we were just there, staring up at the few stars twinkling in the sky.
Like usâŚ
Shining in the darkâŚ
But come daylightâŚ
Weâll disappearâŚ
We werenât touching.
We werenât even looking at each other.
We were just thereâŚ
And Iâve never felt closer to another human being in my life.
Never.
âWhy are you here, Tom?â I finally found the voice to ask.
I heard him take in a deep breathâŚ
âI couldnât leaveâŚnot with the way we last left thingsâŚâ he said.
But youâre still leavingâŚ
Youâre still leavingâŚ
Youâre still getting married tomorrowâŚ
âAndâŚI wanted to spend your birthday with youâŚâ he said, softly.
Donât.
I promised myself I wouldnât cry.
I promisedâŚ
âYou were rightâŚI was an arse and insensitive. And stupid to use our memories and that line in my wedding vowsâŚSo, so stupid of me. Iâm sorry, Micks. Iâm so, so sorryâŚâ
Why does it feel that this apology is your way of saying goodbye?
That youâll leave after youâve tried to make things right?
âWhy did you?â I asked.
Why did you do it?
And I knew that tonight.
Tonight we would finally confront our past.
The past that we had been avoiding for several weeks now.
We would talk about the 14 years we had passedâŚ
Without each other
It was the only way to say goodbye without having any questions left.
I heard him sigh.
Why?
Why did you use our memories?
Tell meâŚ
âBecauseâŚevery yearâŚon your birthdayâŚI would go get smashed. Because all I could do was think of your face when you found out I had gone. And I have missed you all these years, MicksâŚâ
I missed you tooâŚ
How many times did I yearn for you to show up on my doorstep?
Telling me you were sorry?
That you would never leave again?
ââŚAnd that yearâŚLauraâŚshe found meâŚand she accompanied me throughout. And IâŚfor the first time in so longâŚit felt good to have someone there beside me, accompanying me throughout it. And that was how it started. I know itâs unfair to Laura. I know Iâm a selfish bastard. But she was there for me and although we might argue over decisions, she was just there, you know? And I missed thatâŚI missed youâŚI missed having someone thereâŚâ he said, pausing.
And all these years Iâve been thinking about youâŚ
Missing youâŚ
Yearning for youâŚ
Wondering what you were doingâŚ
I missed going over to your roomâŚ
I missed sitting on Theodore with youâŚ
I missed how you would tell me your bad jokesâŚ
I never thoughtâŚ
I never thought a joke could make me cryâŚ
âWhen I decided I had to stopâŚthat was when my dad passed awayâŚand then she was there again. I didnât know what to do, Micks. She was there and I let her be there. Perhaps I shouldnât have but IâŚI couldnât deal with losing another personâŚI care for her. Micks, itâs not the same but I do careâŚand I donât want to hurt herâŚâ
I swallowed.
But you would hurt me?
âI was weak, MicksâŚI wasâŚI thought that ifâŚif I could just replicate some memoriesâŚused what we hadâŚyou know? In the wedding? It would sort of be like I managed to keep my promise to you. That we had actually managed to fulfil some partsâŚI know itâs stupid. I know itâs crazyâŚbut thatâs the truthâŚâ he continued.
I managed to keep my promise to you.
That we had actually managed to fulfil some parts.
But itâs not the same, Tom.
Itâs not.
Why didnât you come looking for me?
All those nights that I had cried for you?
All those mornings I had yearned for youâŚ
I felt the back of my eyes burn with tears.
Just like 14 years ago when I looked in the window and saw an empty room.
And all that was left of us were three itemsâŚ
And then I had to askâŚ
I had to ask the question that had been burning all these yearsâŚ
âIf you had missed me so much, why didnât you come look for me, Tom?â I asked, numb
Is this really you, Mickey Clarke?
You sound like a robot.
Void of emotion.
Iâm numb.
Iâm numb.
And perhaps that was even sadder than being emotional.
Because here we were, Mickey Clarke and Thomas William Hiddleston.
Two people who had once been the closest in the world.
Who knew each other like no one else didâŚ
We were now reduced to thisâŚ
To picking up the bits and piecesâŚ
Of what happened in between.
From the time he leftâŚ
Till the time we have to say goodbyeâŚ
And we were numb from the pain.
From the past.
And we could only deal with it in this way.
To numb ourselvesâŚ
He paused for a long whileâŚ
I need to know why.
Why I had been waiting all this whileâŚ
Just waiting and waitingâŚ
Believing that you would someday swan back into my lifeâŚ
And you didnâtâŚ
You didnâtâŚ
âBecauseâŚMicksâŚhow could I? How could I face you after leaving you? After I had promised you all those things? How could I look at you and know I caused you painâŚâ he finally said, his voice sounding emotional.
You could have triedâŚ
You could haveâŚ
I would have forgiven you.
I would have forgiven anything just to have you back in my life.
Donât you know?
And then I askedâŚ
I asked the question that had haunted me for all these yearsâŚ
âWhyâŚwhy did you leave without saying goodbyeâŚ?â I askedâŚ
My breath hitched as I remembered that moment.
That moment all those years agoâŚ
When I had been left on Theodore cryingâŚ
And just cryingâŚ
Hoping you would appear and tell me it was all a jokeâŚ
And that question hung there in the airâŚ
The question that I had consistently asked myself.
Asked while I cried into Missyâs fur.
Why?
Why?
Why?
Did he stop loving me?
Was that why he just left without a word?
ââŚIt wasnât supposed to be like thatâŚâ he said, then pausing.
Then how?
How was it supposed to be like?
Tell meâŚ
Explain to meâŚ
Make me understandâŚ
âThe night beforeâŚmy dadâŚhe suffered from a heart attack. His conditions were stable butâŚmum wanted us to move and be thereâŚand we left in a hurryâŚâ I heard his voice break.
ââŚAnd she knew it would be harder for me to leave if I came backâŚso we never didâŚwe never looked backâŚâ
Never looked backâŚ
TomâŚ
I turned over to my left side, staring at his profile.
Iâm sorryâŚ
He then turned to his right, staring at me.
Just like that night in North DevonâŚ
Just like that nightâŚ
He stared at me as I watched his eyes glisten in the dark.
And I knew he was tearingâŚ
Just like me.
âTomâŚIâŚIâm sorry. I didnât knowâŚâ I whispered.
I really am.
God, all those years I had wondered.
Had beaten myself up overâŚ
Iâm sorryâŚ
He shook his head slightlyâŚ
âOf courseâŚhow could you have?â he asked, gentlyâŚ
TomâŚ
IâŚ
He reached out and took my hand in his, laying it in between us.
I looked at our fingers entwinedâŚ
Itâs me and you against the worldâŚ
Could we stay like this forever?
Just like thisâŚ
âIâm sorryâŚâ he finally whispered.
Iâm sorry tooâŚ
Iâm so, so sorry.
For the hurtâŚ
The angerâŚ
The blameâŚ
Sometimes life just happensâŚ
And we donât know what to doâŚ
âIâm sorry for leaving you 14 years agoâŚâ he said.
And I felt that dull ache in my chest.
He said itâŚ
He said itâŚ
He said the words Iâve been longing to hearâŚ
But heâs saying them to say goodbyeâŚ
Not because he wants to be a part of my life againâŚ
And it hurtsâŚ
God, did it hurt.
I shook my headâŚ
âNo, Tom. You knowâŚthroughout these 14 yearsâŚI alwaysâŚalwaysâŚthink back to that day. That day I asked you to run away⌠It was stupid.  It was so bloody stupid and selfish of me to ask you to run awayâŚâ I said, feeling the tears well up again.
âMicksâŚâ he startedâŚ
I had blamed youâŚ
I had cursed youâŚ
I had cried over youâŚ
But mostly, mostly I loved youâŚ
Iâm sorry, Tom.
Iâm sorry.
âNoâŚitâs true. I was irrational. I know I wasâŚasking you to give up your family. I justâŚI was just so scared to lose you. You and meâŚwe made our own world andâŚitâs easy to sometimes neglect the rest of the worldâŚI know nowâŚwhat you did was for the bestâŚâ I said, as the tears rolled down
It doesnât lessen the hurtâŚ
But sometimes, life happensâŚ
And we canât control itâŚ
It doesnât mean you didnât love meâŚ
It doesnât mean I didnât love youâŚ
It just means that our love couldnât survive lifeâŚ
He let go of my hand to reach up to wipe the tearsâŚ
âNoâŚMicksâŚyou felt alone. I was the only family you had and you didnât want to lose me. I donât think you asking me to run away was a sign of being irrational or stupid. It was a sign of love. Love that you were willing to fight forâŚto do something about itâŚbut sometimesâŚwe canâtâŚwe canât help when life happensâŚâ he saidâŚ
I had wanted us to be together, forever.
So that neither of us would be alone againâŚ
I reached up to take his handâŚ
This handâŚ
This hand that had wiped away my tearsâŚ
That had held me tight when I needed you most
I want to hold this hand to my heart
Forever
Our foreverâŚ
âThomas William HiddlestonâŚyouâre a good person. When all else failed for me, you were there for me. And you are all that is kind, sweet and good. Always considerate and thinking of others. You are. A. Good. PersonâŚâ
Itâs true.
Eventhough Iâm dying inside.
Knowing that that is why we canât be together.
Itâs true.
And that is why I love you.
And then we were staring at each otherâŚ
This is happiness.
Without words.
Just us.
Just here.
âMicksâŚwhat happened to you afterâŚafter I leftâŚâ he whispered.
I closed my eyesâŚ
The painâŚ
The memories I had tried to eraseâŚ
When you had leftâŚ
And my whole world felt like it was ripped apart.
I didnât know why, I didnât know how.
All I did know was that you were goneâŚ
And that you werenât coming back.
âWellâŚâ I started, before feeling my chest tightenâŚ
Breathe.
Breathe.
Youâre not 16 anymore.
Tom is here.
Heâs here now.
âThey didnât send me to York. I think they decided it was best to keep an eye on meâŚbecauseâŚafter you leftâŚall I could do was sit in my room and cryâŚâ I said, quietly, trying to breathe.
I saw the look of pain on his face.
And cryâŚ
âAnd then one dayâŚMissy came to my bedside with the yellow water bottle in her mouthâŚâ I said.
Our yellow hot water bottle.
Filled with your loveâŚ
Filled with our memoriesâŚ
âAnd I looked at itâŚI looked at itâŚand I got so angryâŚIâŚI threw it into the dustbinâŚand when I looked in the mirrorâŚall I could see was my long hair. The long hair you loved so muchâŚâ I said, swallowing.
And I cut itâŚ
I cut it all..
As if I could cut away the painâŚ
Cut away youâŚ
Except youâre a part of meâŚ
And I donât know how to get rid of thatâŚ
âAnd I cut it. I cut it short. AndâŚI still remember that dayâŚwhen my mum had taken the rubbish with the water bottle in itâŚand she asked if I was sure I wanted to throw it awayâŚI didnât look at her. I just said yesâŚand an hour laterâŚI couldnâtâŚI couldnââ I said, pausing to sob.
Donât look at me like thatâŚ
Donât.
You wanted to knowâŚ
âI knew I couldnât bear to be parted. It was all I had left of you. An important piece of our memoriesâŚsoâŚIâI ran downstairsâŚbut it was too lateâŚthey had already collected the rubbishâŚall I could do wasâŚall I could do wasâŚrun upstairs, hug Missy and cryâŚâ I said, bringing the back of my hand to wipe away the tears.
And I had cried and cried.
And cursed myself for throwing it away.
For throwing away the last piece you had left for meâŚ
That was left of usâŚ
âMicksâŚIâm sorryâŚâ he whispered.
So am I, Tom.
So am I.
âWhat happened to Missy?â he asked, quietly.
Missy.
Oh God.Â
My sweetheartâŚMissy.
âMissyâŚâ I said, then stopped, gasping slight for breath.
He squeezed my hand gentlyâŚ
Patiently.
âSheâŚabout 7 months after you had leftâŚshe got run over by a car. I wasâŚI was walking back from school when I saw her dead body on the ground. Bleeding. I just sat there. I just sat there and held her body. HeldâŚshe always loved a hugâŚâ I said, tearing againâŚ
My beautiful babyâŚ
âMicksâŚâ
âMy parentsâŚthey found meâŚ.on the curb, holding her body, all cried outâŚâ
And I wasnât only crying because I loved herâŚ
But it felt that as the blood drained from herâŚ
So were parts of usâŚ
Memories of us threeâŚ
I was also mourning because another piece of usâŚ
MissyâŚthe dog we both lovedâŚ
Was goneâŚ
And I felt further from you.
Which every piece that disappearedâŚ
I felt further away from youâŚ
âMickeyâŚâ he whispered as I closed my eyes shut.
âI loved herâŚI loved that dogâŚâ I managed to sayâŚ
Just like I loved youâŚ
Just like I love youâŚ
âI loved her tooâŚâ I heard him whisperâŚ
Just like you once loved me
Just like you once didâŚ
I exhaledâŚ
âWhat about Theodore?â I heard the struggle in his voice.
Theodore.
Theodore.
I opened my eyesâŚ
And just like all those years agoâŚ
Blue eyes met brown.
âTheodoreâŚâ I said, struggling to breathe as it all came back to meâŚ
He noddedâŚ
âAfter a yearâŚwhen it was obvious you were really not coming backâŚI justâŚI couldnât anymore, you know? I could climb himâŚI couldnâtâŚI could barely look at him. Look at the tree I once loved so much. SoâŚsoâŚI asked Dad toâŚto chop him downâŚâ
I killed himâŚ
With every chop to that wood, it had felt like a blow to my heartâŚ
I had killed the tree that I had loved so muchâŚ
âAnd when Theodore finally collapsedâŚdad had to ask the men who had come to clear him to waitâŚbecause I went to say goodbye to him. I had stood there, looking at himâŚlooking at our memoriesâŚand IâŚI reached down to hug him one last time. And I---â I broke off as sobs consumed me.
âMickeyâŚâ was all Tom said because he was crying too.
Crying for me.
Crying for Theodore.
Crying for us.
âI kissed him and IâŚI whisperedâŚgoodbye, Theodore. I love youâŚbecauseâŚit felt like I was saying it to youâŚyou know? Cause you werenât there but somehowâŚsomehowâŚit felt like itâŚâ I said between sobs.
âIâm so, so sorry. So, so sorry, MicksâŚâ
âAnd thenâŚand then I had gone up to my room, sat on my bed and looked out the window. There was no Theodore. There was no you. There was no more connection between usâŚâ
Vacant.
Void.
Like how I had felt.
Empty.
âIt was the hardest thing to doâŚâ I mumbledâŚ
It was.
To chop him down.
To get rid of our memories.
So that I would have nothing left to hold on to.
But I was wrong.
I was so wrong.
I could throw away everything that reminded me of you.
But I couldnât throw away my heartâŚ
I couldnât.
âWas thereâŚwas there anyone else after me?â he asked
No one else could replace youâŚ
Not even closeâŚ
Breathe, Mickey.
Breathe.
Youâre almost thereâŚ
âThere was a boy I met in collegeâŚbutâŚit was never anything serious. I justâŚremember how we promised we would be each otherâs first?â I asked, sadly.
I was yours.
And you were mine.
âGod, MicksâŚnoâŚâ he said, his gaze hardening slightly.
Yes.
Yes.
I nodded my head sadly.
âLooking back nowâŚit was such a stupid thing to doâŚI meanâŚbut griefâŚmakes us do stupid thingsâŚit just felt like I had been saving this part of myself for youâŚand that if that part was goneâŚâ
If I lost that tooâŚ
Maybe I would feel that there would be nothing left between usâŚ
And I could move on easier.
I was wrong.
 âAnywaysâŚit wasnât unpleasant or against my will. We dated a bitâŚand he was niceâŚand soâŚI just told him I wanted him to be my firstâŚâ
Lies.
It was always you.
Only you.
âButâŚhe wasnât you and the whole time, I thought of your blue eyesâŚyour gentle long fingers..youâŚand I criedâŚI cried with every thrust, it felt like he was taking me further away from youâŚhe thought it was the painâŚbut I criedâŚbecause it wasnât youâŚâ
And thereâŚIâve said itâŚ
Damaged.
Broken.
Stupid.
âFuckâŚMicksâŚâ
âI didnât say thatâŚto make you feel badâŚTomâŚI justâŚit was stupid but I did itâŚand it didnât feel better. It didnât make me sleep better. I was just stupidâŚâ I mumbled.
âOh, MickeyâŚâ he said, tears rolling down his cheek.
I had felt ashamed laterâŚ
And sadâŚ
I had wanted to be rid of itâŚ
So I wouldnât be reminded of TomâŚ
But somehow, the loss of that connectionâŚ
Only made me cry harder.
And I reached up to wipe them away gently.
And then we were just thereâŚ
Staring at each otherâŚ
Absorbing what we had just shared.
This is the last timeâŚ
This is the last time Iâll see you this wayâŚ
Lying next to meâŚ
Staring at meâŚ
Iâll never see those eyes I love so much up close againâŚ
And know that they turn different shades of blues and greensâŚ
Or see those lips againâŚ
And imagine and remember how they had felt on mineâŚ
I reached up to trace his faceâŚ
His eyebrowsâŚ
Down his noseâŚ
His lipsâŚ
Iâll keep you foreverâŚ
Iâll keep you forever in my heartâŚ
Iâll remember this momentâŚ
Your faceâŚ
Every traceâŚ
Every lineâŚ
No one can take that away from meâŚ
Iâll remember the face of the boy I love.
The boy I was going to marryâŚ
âHappy birthday, Mickey ClarkeâŚâ he whispered
Iâll never forget this birthdayâŚ
Iâll never forget youâŚ
âHappy birthday, Mickey ClarkeâŚâ I repeated.
Just like the first time we metâŚ
You had asked who Theodore was.
And you were Godâs Gift to me.
And suddenly it hit me.
I had known that the weeks before were building up to this.
That I had cried so many timesâŚ
Thinking about this momentâŚ
And itâs here now.
The boy I love is really getting married tomorrow.
Heâs getting married tomorrow.
Oh God.
Please.
No.
Donât.
I donât want you to.
I want you to stay with me.
I swallowed as the gravity of the moment hit meâŚ
I wanted to hug himâŚ
To beg himâŚ
Donât go.
Please donât go.
Donât leave me behind againâŚ
He sat up and placed the box he had carried onto his lap.
Whatâs that?
I sat up too, facing him.
He opened the box and smiledâŚ
âLook what I got for your birthday?â he said, softly.
He showed me the contents of the box and it was a cupcake.
A cupcake with yellow frosting and a stick man with curly hair.
Tom.
My throat felt like it was burning.
âRemember when you tried baking me a cupcake? I would say mine fares a whole lot betterâŚâ he teased.
Tom.
Donât go.
DonâtâŚ
I was pleading and begging all I could insideâŚ
All these memories we hadâŚ
All that we sharedâŚ
He took the sole candle in the box and stuck it in the cupcake.
He then took out a lighter to light the candle.
And held it upâŚ
TomâŚ
I felt my vision blur slightlyâŚ
âMake a wish, Mickey ClarkeâŚâ he whispered.
I wishâŚ
I wish I was young againâŚ
I wish I was happyâŚ
I wish we were together againâŚ
I wish you were mine, Thomas William Hiddleston.
I wish for you.
To be with youâŚ
For you to choose to be with meâŚ
Because I was looking at him.
I was looking at him, holding up my cake.
And I knew.
I knew that this was the boy I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
Who else would be so patient with me?
Who else would buy and separate just yellow smarties for me?
Who else would call me sappy but memorize movie quotes with me?
Who else could be you?
Because youâre the only thing that I want.
And I felt my throat close up.
I felt my vision blur.
Youâre all I ever wanted.
âHappiness sometimes just doesnât come like that. Sometimes, it takes work, it takes two people who are willing to work together to create something beautifulâŚand everyoneâŚeveryone has their flaws.  But the keyâŚis to tryâŚyou will never know till you doâŚâ
âDid you love that relationship? If you did, is it enough for you to give that relationship a second chance? It depends on youâŚif you want itâŚthen try, sweetheartâ
My mumâs words echoed in my mind.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I want to be with you.
I want to give ourselves a second chanceâŚ
The 30 year old me is telling me I shouldnât.
I canât.
What happened to the 16 year old in me?
That 16 year old girl that had been willing to give up everything to be with you?
That had been willing to fight for a chance.
I canât.
I canât let you walk away without at least trying.
Iâm not asking you to cheat.
Iâm asking youâŚ
Iâm asking you to just choose me.
To just want to be with me.
Is that so wrong?
âI wantâŚâ I whispered.
He looked at me intently, smiling.
âI wantâŚyouâŚâ I finished.
I want youâŚ
âMicksâŚâ he whispered.
I want you.
Iâm telling you now.
Iâm telling you before itâs too late.
I want you.
And I want you to tell me you choose me too.
âMicksâŚIâŚâ he started.
âIâm not asking you to cheat. Iâm not asking you to kiss me. Iâm just asking you to be with me. To stay with me. To love meâŚâ I said, looking into his eyes.
Because God help me.
If this was the last time I were to see himâŚ
I would tell him that.
I would fight for himâŚ.
I need you and Iâm so tired of just keeping it to myself.
Keeping it to myself because itâs the right thing to do.
Because you have a fiancĂŠ.
But I donât want to do that anymore.
I donât want to spend the rest of my life like I did for the past 14 years.
Wondering.
Asking myself, what if?
I want to let you know here and now.
I want to let you know Iâm willing to fight for youâŚ
For us to be happy.
Before it is too late.
Before it is really too late tomorrow.
I just need you to say you want to be with me.
âDonât you see, Tom? 14 years agoâŚwe were 16âŚand we had obligationsâŚwe hadâŚI meanâŚI understand why you did what you did. And like I said, it was stupid for me to suggest running away. But we were separated not by choice. And you stood by your family. And you are all that is good and kind. And we didnât have a choice. Life tore us apart. But weâre given another chance now. Before itâs too late. Before tomorrow,â I said.
I didnât care that I was rambling.
I didnât care.
I just want you to know.
Need you to know.
âWeâre older now. We have a choice. I meanâŚI meanâŚwho would have thought we would meet again? But we didâŚandâŚwe have been through so much. Iâm telling you here right here, right now. I want to be with you. I want to be with you so badly. I want you more than anything in this whole wide world. I just need you to say you want me tooâŚthat you want thisâŚâ I said, tears filling my eyes.
Because Iâve never said anything more true.
No lies.
No hurt.
No anger.
This is the truth.
The whole truth.
I donât want to waste more time.
Suppressing my emotions.
My feelings.
I know you love me, Tom.
You donât love Laura.
Just say it.
Weâve wasted 14 years, over thinking things.
We just need to try.
Thatâs all Iâm asking.
Just try.
âMicksâŚI want that more than anything butâŚI canâtâŚâ he said, quietly, looking at me.
I canât.
I canât.
Those two wordsâŚ.
I canât.
I just poured my entire heart out and all you can say is âI canât?â
âYou canât or you wonât?â I asked, defiantly.
âMickeyâŚyou knowâŚif I couldâŚâ he startedâŚ
But I put my hand up to stop him.
âThatâs bull, TomâŚâ
âMickey...â he warned.
But Iâm beyond it.
Thereâs no going back.
âNo! You know what? I donât want to hear that you canât. Because you can. Just like those 14 yearsâŚyou neverâŚif you had wanted to, you couldnât have easily tracked me down. But you didnâtâŚâ I said, my voice rising.
You didnât.
But you have a choice now.
âJesus, MickeyâŚI told you why. And I was 17. I was scared, okay? I was scaredâŚyou were so full of hopeâŚand looking at me like I was all you hadâŚI was scared, okay? It doesnât mean I donât love youâŚbecause I doâŚI doâŚâ
âThen choose me. Be with meâŚâ I said.
This isnât about pride.
This isnât about ego.
This is simply about me loving youâŚ
And wanting to be with you more than anything.
âMickeyâŚâ
But I could already see it on his face.
Heâs not going to choose you, Mickey Clarke.
Heâs not.
âI canâtâŚIâm getting married to Laura tomorrowâŚI canât justâŚI canât, MicksâŚâ he said, pleadingly.
Donât.
Just. Donât.
âYou canâŚyou just have to want to enough. And you donât want it enoughâŚâ I said, sadly.
You donât want us enough.
Not as badly as I do.
âJesus, Micks. Thatâs not fair. Thatâs not fucking fairâŚâ he said, angrily.
Not fair?
Not fucking fair?
âNo! You know what? You know what isnât fair? Is thatâŚyou storm back into my life a few weeks before you get married. You tell me that you want to be friends again. You do thingsâŚyouâŚyouâŚyou make me fall in love with you all over again. You usedâŚyou used our wedding vows for your wedding with Laura. And you say thingsâŚI meanâŚyou show up at my fucking doorstep the night before youâre getting married. You canât just do that and expect me to not feel something. What are you looking for, huh, Tom? Some way for you to feel better? To feel better that youâre leaving me behind? To know what happened to me 14 years ago so that you know I would be able to carry on after you leave? So that you can get married in peace knowing your past is finally put to rest?â I ranted, my voice rising.
Enough.
Iâve had enough of it.
If this is the last time I see youâŚ
Iâm not going to keep my silence.
Not nowâŚ
âMickey, this isâŚâ he started but I help up my hand to silence him.
âNO, Tom! Since day one, since day one you came back here. Youâve been the one initiating everything. Hugging me, wanting to get to know me again. Everything was your idea. Bringing me to North Devon. Have you ever thought of how I felt? Of how it would make me feel? So enough! Itâs my turn to speak. And you know what? Iâm calling out on your bullshit. On your bullshit, Tom!â
âBullshit?â
âYes. Because you tell me you want us to be friends but you fucking kiss me. You tell me you want me to move on, that Iâm strong, that Iâll survive this. But then you remember our movie quote, you bring me yellow smarties. What are you doing? Why are you doing this?â I yelled at him.
I was angry.
I was angry that he could tell me how much he loved me.
How much he wanted me.
But when it came down to it.
He would never choose me.
He would never fight for me.
âI thoughtâŚI thoughtâŚI just wanted you to be happy. To help you move onâŚâ he said.
âThatâs bull and you know it! And you know what? Iâm tired, Tom. Weâve wasted so much time. And I understand you being scared. And like I said I know the whole running away idea was stupid and irrational of me. But guess what, Tom? We arenât 16 and 17 anymore. You might have been scared when you were 17 but what happened to when you were 24? 25? 26? If you had wanted meâŚif you had truly wanted meâŚyou would have tracked me down. Not find someone else to be there for you. Someone else you donât even love.â I yelled at him.
He just stood there quietly.
Looking at me.
Looking at me as if really seeing me for the first time.
I donât care.
I need to get this off.
Right here.
Right now.
âYou know what else isnât fucking fair, Tom? Is that you left and you left me wondering. You left me waiting for you. And even after all this. Even after all this crap. I forgave youâŚI fucking forgave you and I continued loving you. And thatâs what hurts the most. Is that I have the courage even after all those times youâve broken me. All those broken promises. I have the courage to stand here, in front of you, asking you to take a chance on us. No more wishy washy going back and forth. Itâs you and me, here and now. And Iâm fighting for us. Iâm asking you to be with me. Because thatâs all I want. Itâs pure and simple. But insteadâŚinstead youâre choosing a woman you donât love. Youâre choosing another woman who doesnât even know your favourite childhood memory. Youâre choosing her over meâŚâ I continued.
I couldnât stop once I started.
It was everything I had wanted to say.
Since day one.
âYou would rather leave me again. You would rather break my heart again,â I said
It hurt.
God, it hurt.
But it felt good to just say it out.
To just say it out.
He stared at me for a good 5 seconds.
And then he said itâŚ
He said the words that broke my heart, utterly.
âWhat would you have me do, Micks?â he asked, sounding small and defeated.
Donât ask me that.
Donât.
You donât even careâŚ
Iâm dying inside.
Iâm dying because this is the end.
There is no more going back.
No hope.
Iâve laid all my cards out for youâŚ
And plain and simple.
Youâre leaving me.
Breathe, Mickey.
Whatever it is, he knows now.
And youâll end this.
Youâll say goodbye to him.
Then youâll go home and then you can breakdown.
âAll Iâve ever wantedâŚwas for you to fight for me. That was all I had ever wantedâŚâ I said, my turn to sound broken and defeated.
Because thatâs what I am.
Broken.
Defeated.
After 14 years and these past weeks.
It has amounted to this.
I should have known.
I should have.
But I had thought we loved each other enough.
I felt the tears well up again and dashed them with the back of my hand.
Itâs over.
He stood there, just looking at me.
I wanted to scream at him.
Say something.
Anything.
But he didnât.
Itâs my turn now.
Itâs my turn to walk away and leave you behind.
âYou know what? Iâve been waiting for you for 14 years, Tom. Iâm not going to wait for you anymoreâŚâ I said, quietly.
And then I was looking at him.
The boy I love.
Thomas William Hiddleston.
And all that he had done for me.
And I for him.
Our memories.
Theodore.
Missy.
Yellow smarties.
It Takes Two.
I finally really had to leave them behind.
âGoodbye, Thomas William HiddlestonâŚâ I said, feeling empty.
And I couldnât help it as hot tears rolled down my cheek.
Because I wasnât just saying goodbye to him.
I was saying goodbye to the 16 year old boy I had fallen in love with.
To our memories.
To the 16 year old me.
And I was saying goodbye to the 30 year old Tom I had fallen in love with all over again.
I wasnât just in love with a memory.
I was in love with him.
His past, his present.
How do you walk away from someone youâve loved your whole life?
How do you walk away from someone you know youâll continue loving your whole life?
âGoodbye, Mickey ClarkeâŚâ he whispered.
And that is how.
Itâs only you that has been stuck in the past.
Heâs moved on.
Itâs time for you to move on, Mickey Clarke.
Itâs time for you to finally put the past to rest.
I looked at him one final time.
One last time.
His eyes, his hairâŚhis everything.
Goodbye Thomas William Hiddleston.
Then I turned around and ran.
I ran inside, locking the door.
Numb.
I had just said goodbye to Tom forever.
I walked up the stairs, heading to my room.
I stopped outside, looking at the door.
I canât.
I canât tonight.
Not tonight.
Not in this room.
So I headed towards the room I hadnât been in for years.
My parentsâ room.
In the end, youâre the one here for me.
I twist the knob and I step in.
âMickeyâŚâ I heard my mumâs voice.
So soothing.
So gentle.
So heartbreaking.
I walked over to them in bed and asked them in a small voice.
I asked them a question I hadnât asked since I was 7âŚ
âCan I sleep here tonight?â
They didnât say anything.
They just patted at the spot between them.
I crawled between them and curled up into a ball.
I was so weary.
So heartbroken.
âMickeyâŚâ my mum said, stroking my hair.
âHeâs gone, mumâŚheâs goneâŚâ I said, my voice breaking as I curled up tighter.
âSweetheartâŚyou let him back into your heart again?â she asked, kindly.
I shook my head.
No.
âHe never leftâŚâ I whispered.
He never left.
And she stroked my hair again gently.
âWe just want you to be happy, MickeyâŚâ I heard my dad say.
But I amâŚ
Was what I wanted to sayâŚ
ExceptâŚ
Except my tears were already falling into the blanket.
They were falling.
Heâs gone.
Heâs gone.
