#active codependent

I am what is called an Active Co-Dependent. I am vocal about perceived injustices in my relationships. I nag. I drum in the point until chickens come to roost. In fact, I act displeased so often that to a casual observer I can easily come across as the narcissistic partner in the relationship. At a glance the similarities between Active co-dependents and Passive/shy narcissists are striking. There is little wonder we share similar traits. After all we share the same background. Same conditions. Same formula. Heck we even pair with each other! As they say, "god makes them and then he couples them."! Right? not really... So what is the key differentiating between these personalities?

To better understand the difference between these two maladaptive types of people let us get to learn and accept our similarities and our differences.

First similarity is that we both feel innately unlovable, deficient and/or empty. Neither seem to have a sturdy sense of self and swing between feelings of greatness and worthlessness like a pendulum.

Both seek validation from outside sources. We want to be liked. It's vital to both the narcissists, whose inner voices brutalise them every waking moment, and the co-dependants, who engage in a quid pro quo transaction of pleasing others expecting in exchange love they so desperately crave.

Both engage in duplicitous and/or manipulative behaviour. Crucial distinction is in the motivation powering this seeming lack of integrity and shallow charm. Narcissists do so because they don't care. Co-dependents, because they do. Co-dependents are afraid to jeopardise relationships as we frequently underestimate others' ability to handle the truth and stay with us. For a narcissist a relationship is a means to an end. To a co-dependent it is be-all end-all. Tragically neither sees love as a gift bestowed "just because". Whereas co-dependents jump through hoops for scraps of affection, narcissists operate by "take all, give nothing back" credo.

Both are reactive with actions being largely dictated by their emotions. "If it feels good it must be good.". Conversely both participate in self loathing activities such as self harming and substance abuse, which largely serve to distract from internalised feeling of agonising pain.

Both personalities initiate turbulent relationships and become bonded extremely fast usually between themselves. This bond occurs at a neck breaking speed and is solidified before any genuine feeling of love and mutuality has a chance to set in. Idealisation marks the beginning of courtship (and as great as it sounds) is a traitorous path to pursue. Pedestals are not meant for humans and once you are divinised the only conceivable way for you to go from there is a painful tumble down. This happens because both partners (usually a narcissist and a co-dependent) fear that as time passes, more and more of their true selves will be revealed and the other partner will withdraw disappointed at what they saw. Fast bond secures the eager lover before meaningful connection can actually take place. Invariably both partners feel cheated when the other fails to live up to their very high expectations. Frequent bickering, complaints, wrath and even violence ensue.

Both have poor understanding of the boundaries. The narcissist on the offensive and the co-dependent acquiescing without so much a pip of discontent. The two enmesh effectively "joining at the wound". To put it bluntly the narcissists don't care about our boundaries and neither do we.

Active co-dependents can be controlling just like their narcissistic counterparts but control is usually exercised on small scale and often is limited to circumstances/environment. Narcissists don't stop short of domineering people.

Another common trait is childlike self-centricity. Both narcissists and co-dependents think that people keep tabs on them, talk about them or judge them. If called to a team meeting at work, where the management address inefficiencies within the department either personality will feel the need to justify/defend themselves feeling guilty or even attacked. Everything that happens carries a personal meaning. As a co-dependant I can tell you that my parents' divorce feels 100% my fault and I should have prevented it even though I was 8. My partner's foul mood at the end of a hard day at work MUST have something to do with me and I CAN correct it! A narcissist will rage at his girlfriend for playing her favourite song because she is secretly mocking him with the lyrics and the arcane meaning that was destined for his ears alone. By the same logic she deliberately changed the microwave setting from the usual one to mess with him. If she tries to convince him that it had nothing to do with him he'd destroy her in an argument so epic, she'll think twice the next time she thinks to slight him.

So with the same background and similar coping tactics how come the two are so different? Why do active co-dependents enjoy better mental health and are much more likely to seek psychological help? In my opinion all boils down to empathy and emotional prowess. Co-dependents have it. Narcissists don't. A co-dependent will seek to fulfil just about anyone else's needs before they give theirs a though. A narcissist will fulfil their own needs/wants first, second and last. While our attempts at love oftentimes are misguided they remain attempts at loving someone else. A narcissist will never know the joy of loving someone. They don't know how to. Our empathy and ability to read others made us more prone to pleasing others even when they are harming us. A narcissist sees the whole world harm them. Their corrosive essence fails to adopt another point of view because in the narcissist's mind the entire world is a brutal and cruel place. And if they seek to take advantage, use, abuse and destroy the "weaklings" so must the rest of the human population. It is only logical to them. 

In order to avoid pairing with a narcissistic type it is important to ditch the vestiges of childhood survival strategy and reclaim your grown-up integrity. A good therapist can help you find and embrace the heart of gold you so carefully preserved. Now is the time for it to shine. You will be surprised at how strong your core self really is once you peel away bullshit habits. You can do it! After all you're the stronger of the two alloys!

Take care