#acpgoodbye

I bit my tongue and forced a puff of air through my nose in a silent sigh and gave her a pat on the shoulder, not so much out of sympathy or distress, but to give her a sign I acknowledged her presence. Her breath shook as she loosened her hold and sat herself beside me with both arms still locked around my shoulders.

“We’re going to figure this out, love. Everything’s going to be okay. Your father’s speaking with the Mayor and Peacekeepers right now about getting you out of here. I still have family in the Capitol, there has to be something they can do to help. Anyway to keep you off that train and safe-”

Her voice trailed off as another sob burst aloud. She finally unwrapped her arms and stood to grab a box of tissues across the room. I exhaled deeply with slight relief and reclined back against the glass pane, closing my eyes for a moment and found her staring at me intently when I opened them once more.

I licked my lips and shrugged my shoulders, “I really don’t know what you want me to say, or think you can do at this point.”

“This, this was a mistake. There was no way it could have been-”

The sound of the door crashing open cut her off as she gasped aloud and diverted her attention. Instinctively I got to my feet watching my father charge in with his face twisted into a scowl as he came straight for me.

“Cory, what-?”

“The hell is the matter with you?!” He bellowed, stopping directly in front of me with an intensity in his eyes I had never seen before. I held my ground and met his gaze, unphased. There was little he could do to intimidate me at this point. Technically I was now considered property of the Capitol.

Funny how everything my parents create tends to fall into the government’s hand.

“What’s happened?-”

“How many times?”

“Cory-”

“How many times was your name in that bowl?”

The electricity in the air intensified while he and Mom waited on my reply, as if I was hesitant to tell them the truth.

“Eleven times.” I said quietly. Mom’s eyes widened and she clasped her hands over her mouth as Dad turned away, shaking his head disapprovingly, helplessly. I tensed slightly watching him walk forward. I knew he wasn’t done with me.

“Why?” He turned to face me, “You’ve always had enough food on the table. What were you thinking going to the Capitol for help?”

I clenched my jaw and dug my nails into my palms.

“Answer me, Aquarius.” He took a step forward, “Why have you been digging your own grave behind our back-”

“You’re one to talk.” I scoffed.

“Excuse me?”

“I said, you’re one to talk.”

“‘Rus, what are you talking about?” Mom spoke.

You could hear a pin drop at this point and my body was beginning to buzz with adrenaline. I didn’t plan on things escalating to this level, or Dad finding out that I’ve been taking tesserae over the last two years. I was content making the last time we were all together short and simple, but I knew it would be just as damning to me if I left with a weight pressing down on my shoulders.

What did I have to lose at this point?

“What were you both doing while I was gone all those years?”

They exchanged a glance, “What does that have to do with-”

“I gave you the truth. You owe me just as much, right?”

Mom pursed her lips, “We didn’t take sides, love. We found refuge with others who claimed neutrality and did what we could to survive.”

A moment of silence hung between us.

“You’re lying.”

“We’re not lying, ‘Ru-”

“Yes, you are. You lied to me then and you’re lying to me right now.”

“Where are you getting this from-”

“I saw the files. The diagrams, the photos of those monsters you created during the war.” As I spoke I felt my heart start to race while growing lighter at the same time, “Don’t you realize what you’ve done? How many innocent people are dead because of you? How many people are going to keep dying-”

“Enough.” Dad stated firmly.

“How do you fucking live with yourselves knowing you’re responsible for all this?”

“We did what we felt was right, Aquarius.” He hissed, “The Capitol has been nothing but generous to us, to everyone, but clearly it wasn’t enough for those selfish, rebel bastards. The country would have fallen to complete anarchy had they had their way, and I’d do it all over again if it meant preserving what we had. It’s what keeps you safe, Aquarius-”

“Pft, yea I see that now.”

“You did this to yourself, whether you want to admit it or not. No one forced you to put your name in that bowl, and for what? Oil and grain?”

“I did it because it was the right thing to do.”

“To martyr yourself by helping the scum of the District find a meal?” He scoffed and shook his head, “Look at where it’s landed you, son: Had the District’s known their place there would have been no rebellion, no casualties, and no Hunger Games. If you have to blame anyone, blame them.”

“Do you realize how insane you sound right now?” I forced a laugh.

“Both of you, stop it.”

“You’re just as guilty as he is!” I raised my voice slightly.

“So now what, hmm?” Dad picked up, “What’re you going to do now that you have the whole truth: sleep sounder at night, tell all your friends and the entire country on national television what your parents are capable of? Take the fall for some rebel scums child because it’s “the right thing to do?””

His taunt made my blood boil, but just like Harpax I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of breaking in front of him. Instead I let my eyes do all the talking, and as much as I hated to admit it: there wasn’t a damn thing I could do at this point.

Not unless I made it home.

“I’m going to do what I need to do to survive.” I rasped firmly.

“Time’s up.” A Peacekeeper called from the door.

My father stepped forward and lowered his head to my ear, “If I were you, son, I’d watch that mouth of yours while you’re out there. You know what happens to rebels who stand against the Capitol.”

He passed me one final stern glare before turning his back and disappearing from sight. Mom was void of any emotion and took a step forward-

“Don’t touch me.” I spat.

“‘Rus, please-”

“You did this, whether you want to admit it or not.”

She clenched her jaw and left the room without another word. I exhaled deeply and fell back onto the window ledge supporting my head in my hands. Whatever weight I got off my shoulders finally confronting my parents was replaced with new anxieties about my father’s last words to me, rather, his subtle threat. I knew they were still in contact with the Capitol, I’d seen the size of the files increase over the last few months despite the fact they were all password protected. It unnerved me thinking what else they were engineering-

“Five minutes.” The sound of the door opening and closing tore me from my thoughts. I looked up to see Ula shuffling into the room. On the one hand I felt myself ease at the sight of a friendly face, and at the same time I half expected her to rip into me for finding out second hand who my parents were.

I swallowed and rose to my feet, “Hey.”

“Doin’ alright, boy?” She sat herself in the first chair she passed.

I sighed and shrugged, “I have to be, right?” I paused, “Did you, hear any of that?”

She shook her head, “Just saw a couple’a’ pigs with their noses in the air. Wouldn’t expect anything less out of ‘em. Piece of advice, kid, whatever happened in here just before-” She made a dismissive gesture with her hand, “-air in the wind.

“I don’t have a lot of time, so I’ll get straight to the point: I’ve known a lot of people in my life, boy. Some good, others not. I judge ‘em based on their deeds, not words, not names. I haven’t known you for that long, but you’ve proven to be one of the better people I’ve had the chance to meet in my life.”

A weak smile twisted on my face and the tension swelling in my body began to ease, “What’re you going to do without me?”

“Think I’ll cause a little extra trouble so you’re plenty busy once you get back.” She flashed her toothy ol’ grin as the guard appeared to call time.

“You have to promise me one thing, Aquarius.”

“Anything.”

“Promise me that the only person you’re going to help from this day forward, is yourself.”

“Hey look.” He says. He sets a hand on my shoulder. “Look, I know I haven’t been paying as much attention to you, But um. Please stay alive.” His face breaks and for the first time in a while, I think he’s going to cry. “I already lost mom and dad, just not you too okay?” 

“I...” I swallow again, and force myself to regain control over my emotions. 

“Promise me, please, Aisha?” He says, stronger this time, and my ears ring at the sound of first name. 

He knows I can’t promise. I wonder if he already knows what I intend to do. If he realizes the worth of my being here - everything I can learn and see if I have no strings attached. Or he can give me the easy way out. 

“Nile this might be the last time we see each other... Can you please tell me what happened. What I don’t remember. Please.” 

He stares up at me, his glance hesitant. “I... can’t.” He says, voice breaking. 

“Why not? I need to know, it’s either I do it this way or you tell me.” 

“AJ, believe me, you do not want to know.” He says. 

The elation is replaced by seething anger all within in a split second. “Fine. But I am close. Polygraph.” I spit. He wipes his face with his hands and for a few moments, we’re silent.

I begin placing the vials where I can. Four in my bras, two in my pockets, a couple in my shoes. 

“I meant what I said earlier AJ. You stay alive. Okay? You’re all I’ve got.” 

The old oaken door swung open and a Peacekeeper tossed Gideon through it by the scruff of his neck, as if depositing a feral cat into my possession. I had barely found my feet before he was wrapped around me. I barely had time to note his black eye before he’d pressed my entire being into his chest. 

This was affection on the most aggressive of terms, and more passionate than I had ever seen Gideon. He was reserved as a general rule, expression not his forte. When he finally released me his hands were pressed to my face, as if assuring himself that I was there, rather than the other way around. 

“What did you do, huh?” He asked with incredulity. “Did you put your name in there more than once? I told you we were doing just fine, dammit! Did your mother tell you to?” 

I blinked slowly, his words only just sinking in. I wanted to ask him if he was alright. I wanted to know what the hell he had done to earn the black eye from the peacekeepers. “I...no...my name was only in there the once...” I stumbled over my words, pausing as I attempted to collect my thoughts. 

“I’ll kill them all! I’ll kill that damned Mylar with her own-” He cut himself off as the door opened and a concerned looking peacekeeper stared pointedly at him. 

“We’re fine.” I smiled weakly, my stomach turning. The Peacekeeper didn’t seem convinced. He grimaced, “C’mon pretty boy. Girl has family ta’ see too.” 

I looked at Gideon, and I knew my fingernails had to be driving into his arms because my grip was so tight. I waited for him to offer some sort of parting words. And I waited some more. The peacekeeper started across the room towards us, and I realized that he didn’t know what to say. He’d always been a man of few words. 

Finally, he kissed me. It wasn’t the sort of kiss a girl dreams of before being sent off to her almost certain death. It wasn’t slow, or passionate, or romantic. But it was fierce, and powerful, and it was him. “I’ll find a way to get’cha a ring when you get back. You should have one.” He rumbled. I could feel his voice deep in his chest and it vibrated in my ribs. 

With that he was gone. The Peacekeeper led him away with an apologetic smile directed at me. I sat back down. I felt oddly comforted, although I supposed I shouldn’t have. 

I didn’t have much time to think before the door burst open once again. My siblings piled into the room, a tornado of tears and misdirected energy. My mother followed them, looking older than I had ever seen her. Dad brought up the rear, and his haggard face sagged. I found the time to hug each of the kids, and mom cried for a while. Dad just kept putting his hands on my shoulders and telling me he was proud of me. This went on for a solid ten minutes. I almost started to wish the peacekeeper would come back. 

The next time the door opened it was Mylar, and she beckoned me forwards with a smile that was almost serpentine. Mom finally stopped crying long enough to kiss my cheeks and tell me she loved me. The kids started crying, apparently determined to pick up where she left off. 

I looked back over my shoulder as I walked out of the room. Dad had taken off his seed corn cap and was running a dirty hand through his thinning hair. His overalls hung off of him like he was a scarecrow too thin for his clothes. His skin was dirty with sunlight and dust soaked up from the fields. Mom looked the same, with thin crevices traced around her face in laugh lines and wrinkles filled with worry. Her hands cracked from years of kneading, and washing, and loving.

James quirked an eyebrow as the door clicked shut quietly, looking to see if Celia would reveal what she was thinking. 

“I’m gonna miss you, Celia.” he said with a half smile.

Aracelia looked at him and gave a little smile as well. This was the one person she had let herself become attached to. She was trying her hardest to pretend she didn’t care. 

“Thanks for training me kid. It’s gonna be real useful when I’m out there.”

James smiled sadly this time.

“Come home safe, yeah? You can win, I know you can. I believe in you.” 

Aracelia nodded at him. “For you only. Don’t bring ‘em down while I’m out there, yeah?” 

Sebastian came in the room. 

“Time to go, sweetheart,” he said with a voice dripping boredom.

It didn’t take long. And they didn’t say much. Mali’s face was covering in large tears lolling down her cheeks as she entered the room. I stood up to embrace her, if only to make her feel better. My sister’s sadness was something I’d always had difficulty handling. Then another set of arms wrapped around my middle, and I moved my right arm to embrace Peru’s small stature with us. Oman put his hand on my shoulder and we stood huddled for several minutes. Eventually we released and Peru took my hand. 

“How are you doing?”

How was I doing? I was speechless for a second. Me? They were going to be the ones without my source of income. They’re have to learn to cook and sew for themselves. Mali might have to go to work in the mines without me there to bring in money. How could they possibly be thinking about me? 

Besides, I found it hard to feel anything but numbness at this juncture. 

“I’m doing all right, I guess.” I answered. I looked up to see Oman, smiling sadly as he stared at me. He was always the one who knew what I was thinking. 

“Don’t worry about us, Ben,” He said matter-of-factly. “Now’s the time to worry about yourself. The biggest favor you can do us is getting back home in one piece. And alive, ideally.”

I nodded my head and let go of Peru’s hand to embrace my older brother. “I...”

For a moment I was lost for words, and a lump welled up in my throat. Was I scared? I was getting involved in everything I’d sworn against: the government, the Capitol, leaving my family, becoming a spectacle. 

“I can’t do this, O,” I whispered to him so that Peru and Mali couldn’t hear. “I have no chance. Just promise me you’ll keep going after I’m gone. Don’t lose each other. I don’t want you guys to wallow.”

He chuckled quietly. “Don’t worry, buddy. You’ll be back here. And life’ll go on.”

Doors opened. Peacekeeper told me I had three minutes. Then mother and father walked in. Stopped caring about how childish I would look and ran to them, into their arms, let them hold me. Did not cry. They were both crying, had probably not stopped since Dollie called my name, but I did not cry. They didn’t need to see that. They didn’t need to worry about me more than they already were. Mother apologized over and over, for so many things. Could barely keep track. She was sorry that I had to grow up in an environment like this. That they had me join the fight five years ago. That they couldn’t get to me sooner when…

Told her it was okay. She didn’t need to apologize for anything.

Father took my face in his hands, brushed my hair behind my ear. "Listen. If they know about what you did in the rebellion... tell them about how we put you up to it. You didn't know what you were doing."

Shook my head. "They could arrest you."

"So be it."

"Won't compromise like that--"

"Yes," he cut me off. "You will. Let us take the blame, please. Promise me you will." Stayed silent, so father persisted. "Promise me, Seraph."

"Promise." That was a mistake, but nothing to do about it now. Always keep my word.

"Good," father said. "Good." My father is brave. Both of my parents are. Have always looked up to them. Should have told them that more often, too.

“Love you…” told them, and the way my voice cracked mad everything worse. “I love you with my whole heart.”

It wasn’t long before tears rolled down her eyes. Nonetheless, she got closer to me and sat on my lap. “You... don’t deserve this,” she claimed, sniffling. “I know many people might say other wise, but you would have been a great king.” Anastasia wrapped her arms around me. “I would have been your queen, and together we would have ruled...” She whispered seductively in to my ear. Then her lips crashed with mine.

I pulled her closer to deepen the kiss and ran my fingers through her blonde locks. I leaned back and stopped her when she began to pull my zipper down. “No. I-I can’t do this, Anastasia. I don’t think I’ll be able to wed you either.” It mostly had to do with not wanting to. I preferred not marrying a rich girl like my father did and have her worry about ruling a District once I’m gone.

Anastasia got off me and shook her head. “Of course you can’t marry me, you’re about to die.” She fixed her hair and adjusted her bra so that it revealed enough of her cleavage. “I just thought that you would want a quick handsy during your last minutes here in Five. Guess not.” She wiped the red lipstick off my face with her thumb and went out the door. Yeah, not the girl I would marry. Women like her loved a throne more than the man sitting on it. 

My next visitor was actually promised marriage by me, and just like Anastasia, he too rushed over to hungrily devoured my lips. Cyrus hugged me tightly. His suit was covered in the blood of the people him and my guards slaughtered with their guns. “I know you can do it, sir. Win and come back to me, please...” It seemed Cyrus and I switched places. Right then and there, he was the one crying in my arms as I tried to comfort him. 

A sigh escaped my lips. “Twenty four of us enter the Capitol and only one comes out. I don’t think the odds are in my favour, Cyrus. Find a woman and start a family. Your life shouldn’t be dedicated only to protecting me.” He was a few years older than I am. I often had to remind him that so he would stop calling me ‘sir’. My robotic body guard deserved to be happy. Eventually a Peacekeeper had to unlatch Cyrus from me. Visitors only had a limited amount of time. 

“I taught you how to use a sword and blade. Show them your skills! Keep a part of me with you in the Capitol!” Were Cyrus’ last words to me before the door closed.

The queen herself entered after Cyrus left. “I... heard what happened during the Reaping.” She began. “I didn’t know it would be so out of hand.” My mother was talking about the law she passed that gave us the right to kill anyone who threatened our lives. “The Capitol can’t do this to us. After all we’ve done for them! I’ll prepare something to help you out of this,” she assured me.

She didn’t expect me to believe her, did she? “In case you didn’t know mother, even though we’re royals, they’re deities. They can do whatever they want.” Father once told me that a king is nothing compared to a god. District had mayors that served as kings and queens. The Capitol housed gods and goddesses. “You can’t stop this execution...” 

My mother pursed her lips, and began crying. That was the first time I’ve seen her weep. She didn’t even show any emotion when Jacob died. “What am I going to do? The nobles will surely overthrow our family, and we’ll be left with nothing!” Of course. She was worried about losing her crown. 

Here I thought she was actually sad because of me. “Can I ask you something, mother? Had you birthed peasants instead of royals, would you have abandoned us for a crown, given the opportunity? You lost a son. Your husband is a ghost to you. Now, I’m going to be die as well and all you can think about is your hold on power?” I couldn’t believe this woman. “Do you value a throne that much?! Then why don’t you sit on one! I won’t be having use for mine anymore, you can have it! You obviously will do anything just to safeguard a crown on your head. Surely the people of our District will revere you more as a fucking queen!!!” I was basically screaming at her during that moment. 

She stood there, speechless. I was expecting her to slap me so hard I would see stars, but she just... looked at me. Finally after a few minutes of silence she began to talk. Your father worked hard to get into the position he was in. Sovereignty meant a lot to him. It was my sworn duty as his wife to protect his legacy...” She explained to me. My mother walked over to me and placed a hand on my shoulder, her eyes locked with mine. “I wanted all of District Five to kneel at your feet. I hope with all my might that you will return to make my wish come true.”

“Lay down your cares, mother. I want you to take care of District Five. Be  regent, you have my permission and you obviously won’t have trouble with my signature. Earn the respect of people rather than their fear. That’s the way to rule properly.” I couldn’t help but snort. “I know I shouldn’t be giving you advice since I myself wasn’t a great king, nor did I have enough time to be, but it is my request. No more death, please.” 

I handed over District Five to my mother. It wouldn’t be stable without me, and the people needed someone to rule, even if that person was the reason so much blood has been spilled during my reign.