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For you, I'd bleed myself dry

Written for @tumbleweedtech and for the flash fic challenge. Thanks to @glittering-git and @lohrendrell for bouncing ideas & for their eyes.

Grey ace Lambert - Looking at the stars, Lambert finds comfort in the idea that the world is big, and we are small. It gives him the confidence to share something important with Aiden. Vague references of sex, Lambert freaks out a bit, ace feels, it’s pretty soft. 1,751 words

- - -

Lambert lay in his bedroll, staring up at the sky. He’d been laying there for at least an hour, and sleep refused to come. His mind wouldn’t stop whirling, and after tossing and turning and fussing with the clothes he was using as a pillow, he’d given up and settled on his back, listening to Aiden’s soft snores and staring at the sky.

He finally decided to give up the pretence: maybe a change of scenery and some space would help. He carefully peeled back his blanket and rolled up to sitting, pulling on his boots. He walked across the clearing they were camped in towards a large boulder that thrust up out of the ground, like it was reaching for the stars. He climbed up onto it and stared out at the sky. It was a stunning sight. It was a crystal-clear night, the sky covered in millions of bitty twinkling diamonds, and splashed across the deep blue-black of night was an orange and purple glow. It looked ethereal.

It made him feel small and insignificant, but not in the usual way. This wasn’t a negative, misfit, outcast, unloved kind of feeling. It was seeing himself like just a tiny ant, in a hill, in a village, in a kingdom on the continent. Like maybe the things he’d been obsessing and worrying and mildly panicking over weren’t quite the end of all things, like they had perhaps started to feel like. He took in a deep breath and let out a long sigh, feeling tension leak from his shoulders. He let his mind drift, sifting through the last couple of weeks.

Something had changed between him and Aiden. It had started slowly, gently, quietly. They had been sitting in a courtyard outside a village market, eating lunch, laughing over something, and Aiden had reached over and tucked a stray strand of hair that had fallen into Lambert’s eyes behind his ear. Nonchalant, like he did it every day: not breaking eye contact or pausing his laughter. It had taken Lambert’s breath away, though he tried to hide it, acting like it hadn’t affected him. Their hands had seemed to brush against each-other more often, while walking the path, navigating through villages. When Aiden had passed him his lunch, when he had passed Aiden the water skin, the cat’s fingers had seemed to linger just an extra moment, sending sparks skittering up Lambert’s arm.

And then, three days ago. They had been sitting in front of their camp fire, shoulders touching, bellies full with the fowl Aiden had hunted and cooked for their dinner earlier. Lambert had been telling a story of trouble he had caused with Eskel and Geralt at Kaer Morhen the previous winter, and Aiden had been staring at him with fond eyes. It was horribly distracting, and so Lambert had been trying not to look at him while he spoke. When he finished the story, Aiden had continued to stare at him as Lambert looked down at his hands, still smiling at the memory.

“Lamb?”

“Hmm?”

Lambert had turned to look at him then, and Aiden had slowly leaned his head in. Lambert was transfixed, staring at his eyes, then down to his lips, looking soft and inviting in the gentle flickering firelight. Only at the last moment did his brain catch up and start to panic, and he turned his head at the last second, letting Aiden’s lips land on his stubbly cheek rather than his lips. Lambert had cleared his throat, announced the need to piss, and tried not to run out of the campsite in his panic.

He desperately wanted to feel those lips on his own, but he was terrified that that would lead to other things, things he was supposed to want but wasn’t sure he saw the appeal of. Things that surely a man on the path was supposed to be craving. He didn’t want to lead Aiden on, and was terrified of facing rejection at his hands. He didn’t know for sure that he wouldn’t one day want or enjoy those things, but the thought of a kiss inevitably leading to them the same night filled his stomach with dread, weighing him down like a sack of stones. He loved Aiden, had for a while: maybe longer than he realized. He couldn’t bear the thought of disappointing him, or worse, being rejected by him.

When he’d come back out of the trees, they had both acted like nothing had happened. Aiden hadn’t seemed any different than he always was, smiling and friendly and warm. But those extra touches had stopped. No more hair tucking, or fingers brushing. No more touches sending sparks. Lambert found he missed them sorely, like a part of him was suddenly missing. But he didn’t deserve them, hadn’t earned them. If he didn’t want to give Aiden his body fully, he surely hadn’t earned the right to have those.

It was fine. In a few weeks it would be like those things had never happened, and they’d be back to being friends and travelling partners, same as always. He hoped, at least. Travelling with Aiden with this faint ache in his gut was the quietest, mildest torture. Not that he couldn’t live with it. To stay by Aiden’s side, he’d put up with quite a lot, he’d found.

“Lamb?”

Lambert startled at the soft, groggy voice behind him. “Hey, you’re awake?”

“Mmm. Woke up and you were gone. Waited for you to come back from a piss, but seemed like too long, so I came looking.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I’m fine. You can go back to sleep. I’ll come back soon.”

Aiden ignored his words and walked up to the boulder. “Can’t sleep?”

“Mmm.”

“It’s a beautiful night.”

“Yeah.”

“Something bothering you?” Aiden asked hesitantly. And that wasn’t right. Aiden was cautious, quite often, but the hesitance was new. Lambert quickly decided that he hated it.

“No, everything’s fine,” he said, trying to be reassuring.

Aiden leaned against the boulder beside him and picked idly at a nail. “Look, I’m sorry. I… overstepped, the other night. I won’t do it again,” he ended in a murmur.

“You, no, Aiden, you’re fine. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

Aiden snorted softly. “You practically bolted out of camp”

“I, I didn’t mean to, I’m sorry…”

“It’s ok, Lambert. Look, I… I made a mistake, ok? You’re my best friend, and… I really don’t want to go back to travelling the path alone, so—”

“What?! Why would you do that??”

“I mean, if I made you uncomfortable, if you didn’t want—”

“No!” Lambert practically shouted, then tried to temper his voice. “No, Aiden, I don’t want that either. I sleep better with you beside me. Fight better with you at my back. The path is hard and ugly and fucking lonely as shit. You make it bearable.” Aiden snorted again. “I mean, I didn’t mean it like that! You, you make it so much better. I never thought it could be… like this…”

Aiden looked up at him with wide eyes. Before he could think about it too much, Lambert shot a hand out to grab Aiden’s.

“I don’t want to do this alone. I don’t want to do it without you,” Lambert said.

“Me neither,” Aiden whispered. “I’m sorry I did that. I wasn’t thinking.”

“You don’t have to be sorry. It wasn’t… it wasn’t that I didn’t want to…”

“Oh?” Aiden’s eyebrows shot up.

“I just, I won’t be able to follow through, and that isn’t fair, so… so I figured best to stop, before…"

“Follow through?” Aiden questioned, furrowing his brow.

“I’m...I’m weird, or...broken. I don’t want the things you’re supposed to want, that everyone else seems to want.” Aiden squeezed his hand reassuringly, and Lambert decided to get it all out before he could think better of it and shut down. “I don’t look at people and think about getting into their drawers. I don’t daydream about taking people, men or women, to bed. I don’t even understand what most people feel when they see someone and call them hot. I just… don’t get it. And, I mean, sometimes I, you know, um, to myself, and that feels good, but I don’t know if I want to do that with anyone else, and—”

“Hey, hey, Lamb, it’s ok! It’s ok.” Aiden came to stand in front of Lambert, looking him in the eyes, rubbing reassuring circles into the hand he was still holding with his thumb. “There’s nothing wrong with you, alright? Gezras was like that, didn’t have any interest in anything physical with anyone, even aerséy, I don’t think. And I don’t want anything you don’t want! If all you want is to sleep close at night when it’s cold, that’s ok. If you want to hold hands when we walk, that’s great! If, if you want to kiss me, I’d like that, a lot.” Aiden looked up at Lambert through his lashes. “But I don’t want anything you don’t want to give me. Anything you don’t happily want to give. Doing any of those things doesn’t have to ever lead to anything else, and doing something once doesn’t mean it ever has to happen again, ok? I, I feel safe with you, and I always want you to feel the same.”

Lambert felt like his breath had been stolen away by one of Eskel’s blasts of aard during training.

“I do. I always feel safe with you,” he whispered.

Aiden smiled at that. “Good. I’m glad.” They stayed smiling at each other a moment, in awe and wonder. “Come back to bed?” Aiden whispered. Lambert nodded and slid off the boulder, keeping hold of Aiden’s hand as they walked back to their bedrolls. “Is it ok…would you like to just, cuddle? Nothing more.”

Lambert nodded again. “Yeah, I’d like that,” he rumbled.

Aiden grinned, and Lambert felt his cheeks heat up. They shuffled their bedrolls together, pulled off their boots and crawled under the blankets. Lambert shuffled over and Aiden reached out, wrapping an arm around his waist and pulling him close. Lambert snuggled in, curling around the slighter witcher, tucking his head under Aiden’s chin. Wrapped in Aiden’s strong arms, surrounded by his familiar, comforting scent, Lambert didn’t remember the last time he felt so safe, so at home. Euphoric. It felt too good to be true, but he would hold on as tight as he could.

- - -

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