#ace groups

There is a new ace group starting up in your area!  If you’re interested in meeting them or just chatting online check out their Facebook group!

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Hello! Thank you so much for this space. Well, I’m 20 years and I’ve defined myself as heterosexual because the people I like always have been men, but I never feel sexually attracted to them. Talking with my friends about it, they always say the same, “you will feel desire to have sex when you’ll be with someone”, “after you have sex you’ll love it” (the last /and first/ time I had a boyfriend was 4 years ago + i’m virgin) and I feel like it was my duty to feel sexual desire but I just can’t, I think about having sex and I feel very, very scared. All this makes me feel alone because nobody I know is able to understand my fear and they keep saying the same, that I have fear because I never had sex. I started to feel like something is wrong with me. I feel really scared about the future and very insecure about myself, because I don’t want to be alone but I’m scared that nobody could understand that I’m not interested in have sex, just a deep and romantic relationship. I’m just very confused, I feel like they are pushing me to the “you don’t know till you try” thing, even when I’m sure that I don’t want to try. Sorry this is too long, confusing and not a question, I just wanted to share all this with people who maybe understand me. (and sorry for my bad english)

Your English is fine and I’m glad you found a safe space to share your worries! You aren’t the only one that feels this way and there is nothing wrong with how you feel. There isn’t anything wrong with you, you are just different in a way your friends aren’t understanding.

First off, have you considered identifying as asexual? The sole criteria for asexuality is not feeling sexual attraction, which you said you haven’t. If you feel more comfortable identifying as heterosexual, I would continue to use that label, but I would recommend considering asexuality as well.

Second off, your friends really need to back off of your love life. It really isn’t their business and their pressuring on you is completely unhelpful. You don’t have a duty to be sexually attracted to anyone. If you don’t feel it, you don’t feel it. It’s how your brain works and that’s really all their is. Your worry is a completely legitimate worry and it’s unfair of them to push you into facing a fear. It’s really about as helpful as throwing a spider on someone and saying that they’ll stop being scared if they just catch it. It doesn’t work that way and pushing someone to face a fear they don’t want to face usually just makes it that much worse.

Your anxiety about sex, what we normally call sex-repulsion, is normal and okay. Many other people feel that way. Sex isn’t for everyone, just like how bungee jumping, rock climbing, 5k running, or soccer isn’t for everyone. It’s an activity. Some like it, some don’t. I don’t have to go marathon running to know that it isn’t for me, so why should you have to have sex to know that it isn’t for you? I would suggest telling your friends that they need to stop ‘shoulding’ all over you. You are uncomfortable and don’t want sex. That’s it and that’s all that really matters. If you change your mind later, that is your business, not theirs. If you never change your mind, that’s perfectly fine as well!

I have heard a lot of people allosexuals and asexuals, say that they want to have a relationship without sex and that is completely and 100% okay! You are not alone in this. There are several places full of people that want to have sexless relationships. Many of them are for asexuals, but not all of them are asexual specific.

(These were taken from two previously answered questions: x & x )

Ace Meetup is a place were you can submit a profile and it helps you find other aces in your area.

Asexualitic is the only dating site specifically for aces that is currently running that I was able to find. They seem to welcome people looking both for platonic and romantic relationships.

There are also sites like Celibate Passions which would work well for ace people who are interested in specifically nonsexual relationships, but are not ace-specific.

Ace-Book isn’t specifically for dating, but it’s also an option! 

For networking in general you might consider one of the asexuality Facebook groups. Here are a couple options: x x 

I know there are others, though, so try a quick search if those two don’t appeal to you.

For the 18+/kinky aces, there is also Ace Fet, which is a similar concept to FetLife but specific to ace-spectrum folks.

There are several groups full of people that feel just how you feel. I would really recommend checking them out and seeing what they have to offer!