Sometimes i think about Mugeuk's past. And i end up thinking a lot. And that brought me to wondering, did Mugeuk ever hate himself in the past? Honestly the answer is too obvious. He did, and a lot. Even in the way he now recalls his past there are traces of a deep-rooted guilt which comes with the acknowledgement that his fate was his own and he couldn't see past that. There are traces of a self-deprecating sigh in the way he remembers his simplest mistakes, like the way a parent looks at you and you can tell that they are disappointed, except it's something you see for the first time so you can only smile nervously. I think that's how he views his past at times. Like a parent, incredulous that you couldn't do something so simple, understanding still, regretful nonetheless.
But that's how he is after years of wandering and thinking and thinking again. I wonder, at exactly what point in his life did he understand that there was no person in his life who could know him better than himself, absolutely no one? And tbh that's a devastating realisation on its own, but then you add the tragedy he went through and the utter bewilderment he must have faced searching for answers all alone.
I also wonder if that realisation came before the idea of regression was set in his mind. It makes sense it would be after that, considering he met Seo Jin at a time he had almost killed himself, but like. The impact completely changes now. Acknowledging that he's alone was only a sort of closure before, but now it would be a reality. Mugeuk had lived only considering the future where he'll regress, and hoping of that, he must've understood that he truly would be 'alone' after it succeeds. What did he feel then, when offered a new beginning, with no support to grab on?
I wonder if his hatred towards himself didn't fade, but rather dimmed into a hollow resignation, one that was more of a 'let's start over' than 'i give up'. I wonder if he recalls those times now with a wry smile, watching himself live the future that he had both yearned for yet feared.
I wonder if he realises how far he has come (he does) and how proud he should be of himself now (he is).
