Moments like this and I realize just how messed up I really am and how messed up some of the people around me are.
I am prone to depression.
a. Sometimes I can tell you exactly why I am depressed.
b. Sometimes I can tell you what might have triggered it.
c. Sometimes I can't tell you anything because I don't know why I'm depressed.
When I am depressed some people in my life insist that:
a. I can't be depressed for no reason.
b. I need to stop thinking that way.
c. I wouldn't be depressed if -
I have what I call my burden complex.
a. I feel guilty if people pay for me.
b. I feel worthless if I can't pay for myself.
c. I feel guilty if someone has trouble paying for something after treating me to something.
d. I feel like I need to pay back everything, including gifts.
e. I may not remember the exact figures but I never forget when I 'owe' someone.
When some people in my life help me they:
a. Remind me why they needed to help me.
b. Give be advice on what they would do in my shoes.
c. Criticize me for not succeeding when taking their advice.
d. Accuse me of not trying or purposely putting myself into a helpless situation.
I let people put me through hell.
a. When they anger me I tend to punish myself instead of them.
b. I am well aware that I punish myself instead of others.
c. I forgive too easily and give others too many chances.
d. I do not forget the shit people put me through and get upset with myself for letting it happen.
What do I let people get away with too many times?
a. Forgetting me. I make excuses for them.
b. Accuse me of lying. Nothing pisses me off more.
c. Borrowing my things and not returning it.
d. Making fun of me. Example: Some friends of mine have a running joke where they emphasize the letter T in everything they say to make fun of me for doing it.
e. Lying to me.
f. Betraying my trust.
g. Talking behind my back.
I'm sure you can understand why some people in my life are making it harder for me to deal with things. The worst part is that I am well aware of how stupid I am for letting these people in. I know I'm in a cycle of self-inflicted psychological and emotional trauma but well, awareness doesn't always mean I can spot a way out.
So, you've learned a little more about the person behind the text.
I never did claim to be 'proper' and 'sane' now did I?
