i'm in my 20s (so, please, Minors Do Not Interact) and a wanna-be writer. i've been on the tumblr scene a few times and no matter how many times i think i'm done, a new fandom pulls me back in.
if you wanna read what i've written, you can find my masterlist right here (it also details who i write/who you can request for)!
if you wanna be friends/wanna talk about OSI (our shared interests), here's a couple of things i'm loving right now (and always):
9-1-1 (abc, og)
the pitt (!!!)
steve harrington (<3)
pop music (specifically olivia dean and sabrina carpenter and laufey)
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I think Dean’s 16 affects his entire life after that period.
Dean convinced that he can’t have a serious, long relationship with other people except Sam, ofc included the girls and romantic relationship. He gives up, and obsessed to the hunter-family business, and his family because he thought he deserves only a few things, which allowed by his (fuckin)father John. ILLKILLYOUJOHN
He decided to be a shallow person, to protect his soft and kind instinct. The biggest reason is Sammy, though nobody, even Dean can’t, and won’t blame Sam about it. It’s Dean’s choice, and only the Sam blames himself about it, bc Sam also love his brother, protector, foster, and parental person. But sometimes when Dean’s tired about everything, for example in s4, he showed up his feelings a little bit. These Winchester bros make me so sad….
Then I recall the Cas’s line, still beautiful, still Dean winchester. Yeah Dean’s Thursday angel knows what kind of person Dean is. Wish all luck on you Dean
agape
1,778 words
cas & jack, destiel
summary:
“Why is it that you put Dean above everything else?”
Before Jack even finished his sentence, Castiel felt his smile dissolve and the muscles of his face harden. He knew the answer. Of course he knew the answer. In a second he felt the pressure of Hell, the warmness of Dean, the loneliness of falling, the relief of Free Will and a pressure on his human stomach and heart, sweat on his human hands and the need to look down, avoiding Jack’s eyes.
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“Castiel?” Jack’s voice sounded low on the quiet bunker. Dean and Sam had gone to sleep not too long ago, leaving Jack and Castiel alone in the darkness of the television room – or, as Dean insisted to call it, The Dean Cave, and Castiel would often refer to the room as that in thought.
So far, they had been in a comfortable silence. Jack browsed through videos on their new television (which was so complex that Castiel often found himself comparing its intricate system to the work of Angels), never really settling on anything, but actually watching a few seconds or minutes of each video and then moving on to another one randomly. Castiel watched Jack and mentally went through his memories of the last couple months, searching for things he could’ve missed that would help them with the current missions – faces, objects, waves, sounds, ideas, feelings, and thoughts.
“Yes, Jack?” Castiel responded, looking at his eyes and feeling his face relax into a small smile, as it always did. Jack looked back at him with the same openness Castiel believed himself to have. An openness he would only find in other angels and missed when communicating with humans.
Memories of Dean came to Castiel – Dean talking to him, explaining, telling, asking, joking. He felt glad that with Jack he could have a different relationship, more open, with less camouflages in the physical and spiritual sense.
Jack selected another video, this time, a 7 hour and 40 minutes of piano with rain sounds and let go of the remote “Can I ask you something?”
Castiel nodded, closing his eyes briefly and smiling a bit more, gesturing for Jack to continue.
“Why is it that you put Dean above everything else?”
Before Jack even finished his sentence, Castiel felt his smile dissolve and the muscles of his face harden. He knew the answer. Of course he knew the answer. In a second he felt the pressure of Hell, the warmness of Dean, the loneliness of falling, the relief of Free Will and a pressure on his human stomach and heart, sweat on his human hands and the need to look down, avoiding Jack’s eyes.
“I mean,” Jack continued, unaware of the cacophony of thoughts and feelings Castiel was perceiving, “I get it. Dean can be nice sometimes, he is funny, brave, he cares about his family and fights for what is right. I get that. But Sam is all of that too, and with Dean it’s like…” Jack had been talking fast, as if he had the speech prepared beforehand and was rushing through it so Castiel wouldn’t interrupt, but now he stopped, choosing his words, and hardening his look before finishing “it’s like you don’t care about anything else other than him.” Jack relaxed, as if accepting the truth of his next words “And you care about me too, I know. I just don’t understand why is it that Dean is so important when…you know.”
“When he has treated you the way he has?”
In the second between Jack finished speaking and Castiel began, countless thoughts were measured in his head. Castiel decided that maybe with Jack he could trust the truth. Relief washed over him as he sat back and fixed his gaze on Jack.
“Has anyone told you the story of how Dean and I met?” Jack shook his head and sat back as well, crossing his legs, and waiting for Castiel to continue.
Castiel spoke of Heaven’s Plan, his garrison, and the Righteous Man. He told Jack of Hell and of holding a soul, which is less like holding with your arms, but more like convoluted ties of energy that isn’t translatable in any human language, as it’s not thing humans can experience.
“But Dean wasn’t grateful. Of course, knowing him now makes it easier to understand why, but, at the time, I felt…confused.” Castiel shifted where he was sat, positioning his body in a way to show Jack he wanted him to pay attention “And that’s just the thing, Jack– ” a smiled creeped of his face before he could help it. He used to be able to control that before “I felt.”
Castiel explained to Jack about orders, the Divine Plan and how, even though he had broken the patten before, the only time it was unfixable was when he helped Dean.
As he talked, Castiel molded his words to fit his listener. Even though he had never had an opportunity to tell about his history with Dean so freely before, which caused him great satisfaction, he also felt the need to be careful. The things he and Dean have gone through have been hard and gruesome. The things he felt and thought about Dean were sometimes too great for Castiel himself. So he chose his words carefully.
He finished after telling in littler details the past few years, and Jack immediately said “You two met in an extraordinary situation and have formed deep connection because of it.”
Castiel held back the smile forming on his lips. He moved his hands to help him sit back once again, just now realizing he had been fidgeting his fingers against each other. Just another of the various human behaviors that have installed themselves into his routine.
“Yes, we did. And have been going through many other extraordinary situations ever since, which has made it only strengthened it. In more common terms, you could say he is family.”
Jack nodded and furrowed his brows, taking it serious – Castiel didn’t hold back his smile this time, thinking of Jack being raised by Winchesters.
“In other common terms” Jack asked, tilting his head forward “you love him.”
There it was again. The coldness in his stomach, the blood rushing just faster enough to make him feel the need to move his hands. The waves going through him changing course, turning upside down.
“Jack…” But Castiel didn’t know what to say.
“I’ve spent some nights reading the Bible” Jack began explaining “and I try to make parallels between the people in the story and people I know in real life, to help me understand them better. A lot of the times they mention love, it reminds me of what I see in you two.”
Memories passed through Castiel. Choices he made for Dean, time he has spent with Dean, conversations he has had with Dean. He understood what Jack meant.
Castiel joined his hands and leaned forward on his knees. He has wondered much about that as well. Love is human experience like no other – it’s so incredibly abstract, not alike anything else, not working in humans’ minds like other feelings like happiness or pleasure do.
It wasn’t until he became close to a human himself that he began to understand what they meant by love.
He recalled being with Dean on the bunker, Dean teaching how to work the shower and handing him clothes, promising the movies they would watch, and the food Dean would make Castiel eat. He also recalled seeing Dean once again months later, his anger, frustration, anxiety, and something else, that surged when Dean came into his workplace and messed with his life.
Reconnected with his Grace, Castiel had to reimage love, to remember what it was like and translate it to what it had to be now.
“I believe love is a name we give to what is actually many behaviors.” Castiel answered and Jack relaxed, looking at him. “It is not only about feeling, but showing that you feel it. For humans, love is not only one feeling, but a collection of them working together.” Jack nodded, showing he understood, and Castiel kept going “For me, it became easier to think about it as a collection of actions. Humans show the feelings through actions, so I believe it makes sense.”
“So, love is showing love?” Jack asked, unsure.
Castiel grinned “Yes, Jack, I believe it is.” He waited for Jack to pay attention to him again before continuing “Some time ago, philosophers in Greece studied love by tearing it in three – called eros, philia and agape. Maybe they understood love better than the English.”
“What do they mean?”
“Eros is, in reality, a name borrowed from the Angels. You remember them, the Cherubs” Jack nodded “Yes, well. The Cherubs make those who they pierce with their arrow experience sexual attraction and the need to be together. Eros refers to romantic love, physical attraction.
“Philia is considered the purest and sincerest form of love. It’s the love we share with our family and the ones we’re loyal to.
“Agape is…harder to explain, there are complex discussions involving it. But it is a connection to the universe, nature, humanity and, in some cases, could be the connection to God.”
Jack hums showing he followed the explanation and asks “The love between you and me is Philia.” He smiles, showing his teeth and Castiel feels what could only be described as love growing in his chest.
“Yes, Jack, it is.” He agrees, but wonders if he is capable of anything other than agape.
“And between you and Dean…it…is…”
Jack doesn’t meet Castiel’s face when speaking and Castiel wonders how long Jack has been meaning to ask if what he saw from him towards Dean was “is it Eros?” Jack finishes, keeping his head down but moving his eyes up to watch Castiel.
Castiel thought about Dean’s presence. The warmth of his soul. His hands on Castiel’s wrist, arm or shoulder. His smile. The way he said Cas. The feeling Castiel got on his stomach every time it was late at night, and he sat on Dean’s bed with him to watch a movie, their knees touching. The waves around him tingling. The need to protect him, to be close to him, to destroy the whole world so there was only them, to save the whole world for him. His thoughts, desires, fears and wishes.
He looked at his hands and moved his fingers.
“Perhaps it is all three.”
Jack hummed, agreeing.
“I get it now. Thank you, Cas.”
Castiel loved him and loved him. Jack showed his feelings with such openness, such desire to form connection. He was so proud of the being they were raising.
“Thank you for listening, Jack.” He took a deep breath and dared to ask “Jack, would you mind if we kept all of this between us?”
Jack nodded, this time with more energy “Of course. It can be weird to mention other people’s romantic feelings out loud. Sam though me that.”
Castiel wondered what prompted this lesson and grew impossibly fonder of all of them.
The thing about John and subsequently Dean’s relations with him is that, as bad as he could be, as angry as Dean could have been (and was) at his absences and his mistakes, as impossibly high the standards he held Dean to were…
Him being there meant the world wasn’t sitting squarely and solely on Dean’s shoulders. John coming home bought back the anger and the screaming and the absurd demands but it meant someone else was there, someone Dean could count on to protect them at the very least on a Supernatural level, someone else who could and would worry about things that he shouldn’t even know about yet.
He was one of the few people Dean was “allowed” to share his burdens with, by his own design. He parentified him to an insane degree into his overworked co-parent and Dean ended up seeing him doing the bare minimum of his job as helping Dean with his responsibilities. John being gone meant the mantle was now Dean’s and only his and there was no one else he could trust with his burdens (Sam, hunting, the whole world, you pick). I think it’s part of the reason why he misses him so much and, in Jensen’s words, will always need his dad and want him.
Jared: It was Dean’s success story. This guy gave his life for years and years and years and ultimately gave his life to have his No. 1 on the planet live as normal a life as possible.
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