#abc bachelor

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I am a feminist and hate how society continually pits women against each other to compete for men. But two hours a week, for 8-10 weeks a year, I put all of that aside because I LOVE The Bachelor. Give me all the chaos, the drama, the make-outs, the heartbreaks, and the ridiculously sparkly dresses you have. I will watch every second of it and live-tweet the whole thing without an ounce of  guilt.

I’m very excited about this new season because there have been almost no spoilers (maybe they should do every season in a bubble?). Just to clarify, I never seek out spoilers, but sometimes they show up on my twitter feed and accost me without my consent. I am promising now; if that does happen for this season, I will not include them in my recaps. Anyway, let’s begin.

It makes sense to start by introducing the bachelor, especially because he’s completely new to Bachelor Nation, Matt James.

Matt James is the first actually hot bachelor in a long time. Colton and Nick Viall were both cute, and Arie and Pete were fine, but Matt James is literally gorgeous. He was supposed to be on Clare’s season until she called him out for using being on her season for clout. To clarify, the “clout” he was using was to get donations to the charity he runs, ABC Food Tours. And his clout did not come from being on her season as much as from being the best friend of the one and only Tyler Cameron. If you are new to Bachelor Nation, Tyler C, as he is (extremely) affectionately called, was the heartthrob of the second most recent season of The Bachelorette. He came in second that season but bounced back quickly by dating Gigi Hadid. Tyler did try to make it work with his bachelorette, Hannah Brown, during quarantine (Matt was also quarantining with them), but they broke up a few months ago.

Because Matt is new to Bachelor Nation, we really don’t know much about him. From the introduction package, we learned that he is mixed-race, and his parents separated when he was young. He also says he has never been in love before, which has made some audience members wary of his position as the bachelor.

His newness also means that he also doesn’t know a lot about the process, and watching him navigate through it with doe-eyed wonder makes him even more charming. We saw his nervousness when he asked Chris Harrison for a fireside chat before the girls started arriving. Chris gave some of his patented Chris-Harrison-advice about love, but they also had a very real conversation about race, which is not something usually seen on this show. Matt voiced his fears about what people will say if he picks a White girl or a Black girl, which was great because The Bachelor usually operates with a “we don’t see race” mindset, which is problematic for obvious reasons. The season of The Bachelorette that ended just two weeks ago featured a Black bachelorette getting engaged to a White contestant. I have not seen any commentary about this, but I’m sure it’s out there; I’m just lucky enough to follow good people.

This season had a record number of applications, and there were 32 contestants on the first night. It would be insane to go through every single one of them, mainly because I don’t remember all of them, so I am just going to discuss the five that stood out to me.

Katie

Katie’s limo-entrance was the cold open of the show, as she introduced herself to Matt James while holding her vibrator. To call this a bold move may be the biggest understatement of all time. I am all for female empowerment and being open about female sexuality, but this was a lot. Especially when she clarified that it had been cleaned, meaning it was not brand new as I had assumed. I don’t care how much she scrubbed it; that’s gross. Also, as another girl was talking to Matt about how the hurricanes had affected her family in Puerto Rico, Katie came up and interrupted her by tapping the girl on the shoulder with the dildo. Whatever the conversation was, that was a weird move. During that specific conversation, it’s rude. If you’re going to do something like that, you have to hold back a second and figure out what the conversation’s vibe is before you interrupt. Still, I like Katie. I think she’s cute and funny. She could go far in this show, as long as she does not rely on the dildo-bit too much.

Khaylah

Nothing about Khaylah blew me away, but she made her entrance in her truck and made that connection to Matt of both being from North Carolina. During the cocktail party, the two of them sat in the bed of the truck under the stars in an adorable moment. In a sea of 32 girls, I was able to remember her (though I did have to look up her name), which I think is a good sign for her with Matt.

Abigail

Abigail and Matt had a great conversation about her being hard of hearing and how it’s difficult for her to talk about when starting a new relationship. Matt, who had stressed his own difficulty with being vulnerable, appreciated her openness. Abigail got the first real kiss of the season, as well as the coveted first impression rose. This rose can be a great sign, as the receiver usually goes far in the competition, and three bachelorettes in a row ended up getting engaged to the person who got this rose. That being said, just last season, Tayshia’s first-impression-rose, Spencer, immediately faded to the background before being cut two weeks later. Still, I am going to keep my eye on her.

Kit

Kit is already a polarizing figure. She’s 21 years old, a self-proclaimed socialite, and the daughter of famous fashion designer Cynthia Rowley. She watched the premiere on Monday with Charlotte Lawrence and Kaia Gerber. For these reasons, plus her saying in a confessional that she loves being the center of attention, people are calling her spoiled, too young, and “not there for the right reasons” (a favorite phrase of Bachelor Nation). I like Kit, though. I think she is unapologetically herself, and I have to admire that. In addition, I think The Bachelor has gotten so big that we have to assume almost every contestant goes on with the thought that maybe they get engaged, but at the very least they’ll get a revolve sponsorship.  It’s also clear that she is not going to be the season’s villain, at least not at first.

Victoria

That title is going to go to no other than “Queen” Victoria. Yes, for her career, Victoria listed herself as a queen. She made poor interns carry her in, wore a tiara, and gave Matt a crown so he could be her king. During the cocktail party, she got way too drunk and tried to pressure a girl to talk to Matt by saying “literally” too many times. She also spoke to him three times, while others talked to him zero. This isn’t uncommon on the first night, but it’s still looked down on. Also, she interrupted Kit’s time by saying, “excuse me, princess, the queen is here,” igniting a feud that will be entertaining as all hell to watch. She also got the final rose of the night, signaling to the viewer that the producers made Matt keep her on for the drama. My prediction is all the girls hate her, and she fuels drama for the beginning, but ultimately gets sent home week 3 or 4, so that actual relationship drama can begin. After that,  we’ll see her for sure in Paradise.

Image from abc.com

This week picked up right where last week left off with Sarah “fainting”. I put fainting in quotation marks because based on how she acts throughout the rest of the episode, I seriously think she may have been faking it. (We all saw Bridgerton, sweetie.) I am not alone in this thought, either, as Anna and Victoria also indirectly accuse her of feigning her faint.

Sarah is totally fine and apologizes to the other girls for wasting time (her first apology of many). The rose ceremony carries on, and five girls are sent home; four irrelevants (Alana, Illeana, Kristin, and Sydney) as well as enemy-of-the-plastic-crown, Marylynn. Victoria’s talking head tells us that now that Marylynn is gone, she wants to get rid of Sarah next. Victoria is like a sniper picking the girls off one-by-one until she is the last woman standing (of course, she might meet a speedbump when she realizes Matt hates her).

Image from Twitter

The first date of the week is a group date, and to not-at-all-subtly advertise Chris Harrison’s new erotica-novel, the girls are tasked with writing self-insert fan-fiction about Matt. To top it off, they must read it aloud in front of each other, Matt, Chris Harrison, and previous contestant, Ashely I.,  as well as all the other girls who weren’t invited on the date. Katie, the girl who brought the dildo on night one, got really into it, as one would expect, and Victoria’s was so dirty that entire sentences need to be bleeped out. What we did hear included choking and hair-pulling (we do not kink shame here).

Sarah, who was not even on the date but was forced to watch from the sidelines, begins to fall apart. She says it’s hard for her to watch the other girls “be intimate” with Matt. By “be intimate” she means, “stand on stage while giggling over poorly written, nameless, third-person erotica.” I wonder if Kendall Jenner got jealous over fan fiction when she was dating Harry Styles.

The audience girls are dismissed, and we move on to the night portion. Don’t think this is the end of Sarah, though. No, she crashes the group date to tell Matt that him dating 20 other girls is hard for her. No shit. I love how every season, there seems to be one contestant who was not told the concept of the show before they started filming.

Unfortunately for Sarah, she picks the wrong girl to interrupt. Katie takes no shit. First, she goes to the other girls and lets them know what is going on so that they can all join her in being angry. Then, she returns and repeatedly checks in to make it clear to Sarah that she is not stealing all the time. As Sarah is (finally) going to leave, Victoria finds her out front and tells her that it was selfish to interrupt the date.

Image from knowyourmeme.com

Then, Katie comes out and much more eloquently explains to Sarah how her actions were rude. Rachael ends up getting the group date rose; I don’t even remember her and Matt talking, but I guess they did. Here’s her photo in case you (like me) forgot what she looks like:

Image from abc.com

 Anna (pictured below) then tells the camera that she has not spoken to Matt once since arriving and blames Sarah for this. It’s been three weeks though, at some point, it’s on you, Boo. She better get her time in at the cocktail party, or it’s curtains for her. 

Image from abc.com

The next day, Serena P. gets a one-on-one. When Matt arrives, he decides the best way to start a date with another girl is to go jump (literally) into bed with Sarah. Sarah then gives a class on Emotional Manipulation 101 and essentially makes Matt beg her to stay. To call her “needy” would be an understatement.

Image from abc.com

For the date, Matt and Serena (above) go horseback riding and then have a lovely picnic surrounded by nosy donkeys. It was adorable. Serena teaches Matt how to make the perfect charcuterie board, confirming that she is ready for the influencer lifestyle that comes from being on The Bachelor. Of course, based on his tweet last night, Matt might need another lesson.

Image from Twitter

During the night portion, they discuss past relationships, and Matt confesses that he doesn’t think he has ever been in love. Serena tells him that right now, she is “falling in like” with him but could see herself falling in love with him down the road. I like her, as does Matt, but this comment does make me worried that she might be too normal for the show. Matt gives her the rose, so she is at least safe for the next week.

Back at the chateau, Sarah, who had been hiding in her room all day, tries to sit down with the girls and apologize for the previous night. They are having none of it. When she remarks that she has made friendships with some of the women, Victoria asks, “who exactly are you talking about?” No one defends Sarah. She attempts to explain why she did what she did and how she is seriously considering leaving, but she also wants to pursue things with Matt. The girls tell her if she does choose to stay, they will make sure she does not feel welcome.

The next morning, Katie finds Sarah crying alone in a room (she put on a full face of make-up to do this). Katie tells Sarah that she needs to make a decision. If she is leaving, she is wasting Matt’s time that he could be spending with girls who are serious about the process. Katie also points out that if Sarah does have a strong connection with Matt, she needs to explore it until its end because Katie does not want Matt wondering “what if?” or to be Matt’s backup plan. Sarah opens up to Katie about how her dad has only a few weeks to live, and kudos to Katie for not asking her why she would even come on a reality show in the first place then.

Sarah eventually decides to leave, and Katie goes to the other girls to fill them in. Without giving any details, she explains that Sarah had other family stuff she was dealing with and that they all should have been nicer to her. If Katie doesn’t win this season, she’s my pick for Bachelorette.

Sarah goes to tell Matt good-bye, and he again begs her to stay (not good for the other girls). Despite her having assured Katie that she wasn’t leaving because the girls bullied her, she tells Matt that she was chased out by some “really nasty” people still left in the house. She doesn’t do him the courtesy of naming names, though, which means the next week or two will 100% be a witch-hunt. Matt then walks her out in the weirdest way possible.

 As she (fake) cries in the car, she tells the camera that she knows Matt let her go because he “sees her heart”. 

Image from abc.com

As I (and everybody else on the planet) predicted, Victoria made herself the center of attention for the entirety of this episode. We begin with Bri getting a one-on-one date, which causes all the other girls to mope about not getting the first one-on-on, Victoria included. One of the other girls who isn’t interesting enough for me to have learned her name yet tries to be friendly and comfort Victoria by saying, “It’s okay. We’re all jealous.”

Victoria then has an absolutely incredible response; “I’m not jealous; I just want what she has.” For anyone not familiar with this word, “wanting what someone else has” is the definition of jealousy. My jaw dropped at this line. And yet, that was somehow not the most shocking thing Victoria did in this episode.

Image from abc.com

Bri’s date was pretty boring; the two ride ATV bikes, and the rest of the girls watch them leave from 10 feet away. I live for this type of awkardness. They have a staged fall in the mud, then Matt chops wood shirtless, for some reason (I am not complaining), and I think there may have been a hot tub, but honestly, I was making myself a sandwich during the day portion of the date. During the night portion, the two bonded over both being raised by single mothers, and Matt gives her the rose. Overall, pretty blah date.

Back at the ranch (i.e., the “chateau” the women are staying in), the drama starts. Victoria, out of nowhere, decides to pick a fight with her roommate, Marylynn, for a reason I cannot figure out. From what I understand, Marylynn told Victoria that she wanted to get to know her better since they were sleeping in the same room. Victoria somehow interpreted this as “bullying” and decides to sleep on a couch in the living room instead of having to share a room with someone so evil as to ask her what she likes to do for fun. Marylynn will come back up later in the episode, so here’s a photo of her for those who may not remember who she is:

Image from abc.com

The next date is a group date of 18 girls. Usually, even at the beginning of the seasons, group dates max out at around a dozen people per date. Immediately, I knew this was going to be intense. The date begins with the girls getting into wedding dresses and taking fake-wedding photos with Matt. While this may seem insane to a bachelor-nation newcomer, this date actually happens every season. Victoria and Matt’s photo is laugh-out-loud funny and makes it abundantly clear that she is a producer plant:

Image from Twitter

While the photo shoot is going on, Chris Harrison emerges to announce the second half to the date; the girls are split into two teams of nine for a Hunger-Games-style round of Capture-The-Flag, and only the winners will go to the night-portion of the date. The producers clearly expected the girls to be a lot more vicious than they were; it was mostly giggling and flailing and over all boring.

Image from abc.com

During the cocktail hour, Lauren bonds with Matt because of the importance of religion in both of their lives. If you watched The Bachelorette last season, you will know that Tayshia broke up with one of her final three because their religious beliefs did not line up, so Matt giving Lauren the rose here seems significant.

Image from abc.com

The third date is another one-on-one with Sarah. The day-portion consists of them flying around in a bi-plane and landing in the middle of the woods. If it weren’t for the camera-crews and producers, Sarah probably would have been terrified she was about to get murdered. During the night portion, She tells Matt about how she quit her job to become a full time caretaker for her dad who is dying of ALS. This is a moving moment, but, as my mom and sister pointed out to me, it is a bit overshadowed by the fact that she is spending a portion the six-months her father has left to live on a reality show. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt and say maybe she is trying to expedite the marriage process so that he can be there for her wedding. That sounds believable, right? Maybe? Anyway, Matt deems her trauma-dump worthy of a rose and she gets to remain for another week.

The next evening at the pre-rose-ceremony cocktail party, shit hits the fan. While having some private time with Marylynn, Matt presents her with orchids because he remembers they are her favorite flower. (Note: it is not common for the bachelor to do things like this.) Marylynn then rejoins the girls who, obviously, ask her where she got the flowers. She politely and humbly explains, and Victoria’s brain breaks. She rushes to go sit down with Matt and tells him that Marylynn is “toxic” and “bullying” her, but does not give any proof (because she has none).

Matt then speaks to Marylynn to clear up the situation, and, I think, realizes that nothing Victoria said makes any sense with Marylynn’s gentle personality. Marylynn is, understandably, upset and then tries to take Victoria aside so they can discuss their issues. Marylynn handles the situation politely and maturely, and Victoria refuses to let Marylynn even sit next to her on the couch. Even in the face of this ridiculousness, Marylynn still manages to stay calm and collected. Marylynn is impressively nice and I will be truly pissed off if she gets sent home because Victoria dragged her into made-up drama. That being said, Marylynn may be too well-adjusted to be on this show.

Image from abc.com

The episode begins with Matt still coping with Sarah having left. I’ve been thinking about it for the last week, and Matt begging Sarah to stay even after he knew the situation with her father was actually pretty selfish of him.

We then cut to all the girls sitting around and talking about Sarah, the majority of them talking shit. Victoria says of her, “the trash took itself out,” which prompts Katie to tell her to shut up. She then tells all the girls off for talking about someone who is not there to defend themself, which is mostly met with condescending giggles.

Because of Sarah’s antics, the day portion of the group date must have been canceled because the second group date of last week (they cut these episodes so strangely) is only a cocktail party. With a temporary lapse in drama, Matt can actually talk with the girls and seems to be making connections with them. He talks to Chelsea (pictured below) about her having grown up as a black girl in a predominantly white community, the complicated relationship that created for her with her own hair, and her decision to shave her head. As a mixed-race man himself, Matt connects with the story and gives her the rose.

Image from abc.com

Back at the ranch, Victoria confronts Katie about telling her to shut-up and demands an apology for not being allowed to call people trash behind their backs. Katie, while remaining composed and mature, laughs in her face and stands her ground. It is becoming abundantly clear that Victoria is used to being able to intimidate people, and also that Katie is not someone who is easily intimidated.

The next night, the girls go to the cocktail party and discuss how nice it is to not have drama in the house - how naive! Matt and Kit seem to be clicking, as he comments on how he loves spending time with her. Then, as Victoria is sitting down with Matt, she gets interrupted by none other than Chris Harrison. The producer’s choice to make Victoria the one who got interrupted is why they are truly the best to ever do it.

Chris informs Matt that there will be five new girls joining the other contestants, and never has a man looked more scared and overwhelmed than Matt did at that moment. I honestly would’ve respected it if he had just been like, “no thanks. I’m struggling to remember the names of the women already here, I do not need to learn more.” The first woman that Matt meets is Brittany.

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Brittany introduces herself by “making up for lost time,” grabbing Matt’s face and sticking her tongue down his throat. The girls who were watching from the window did NOT like that.

Another new girl, Catalina, is Miss Puerto Rico Universe because we must always have at least one beauty queen per season.

Image from abc.com

She walks in wearing her sash and a tiara she actually earned and didn’t buy at Party Palace, which destroys any shred of decency Victoria had left in her body. Victoria tells Catalina that she is the “real” queen of the house. (Actually, Catalina is really a beauty queen; you’re just an insecure slob, Victoria.) Then Victoria SNATCHES THE CROWN OFF CATALINA’S HEAD. I gasped. Loudly. You do not touch another girl’s crown. In an effort to get Victoria to give the tiara back, one of the girls tells her that the tiara doesn’t match her outfit. Victoria agrees and then puts the tiara out of Catalina’s reach on the table, instead of handing it back to her as any normal person would have. Catalina proves the statement “she is beauty, she is grace” and doesn’t so much as bat an eye through the whole exchange. (I know she isn’t Miss United States, just let me have this.) The rest of the cocktail party ensues, and the original girls (“OGs” as they have unfortunately dubbed themselves) freak out that the new girls want to meet Matt.

During the rose ceremony, Anna spirals because she still has not spoken to Matt. She also displays the craziest crazy eyes I have ever seen, and I feel comfortable saying that because I, too, can have crazy eyes.

Somehow, she stays another week. The girls who get sent home are Khaylah from North Carolina (hand up, I called that one wrong), Kaili, who I swear I had never seen before, and one of the new girls, Kim.

Photo from Twitter

The first group date of the new week is an obstacle course, which leads to some funny (and some bitchy) moments. Magi gets stranded in the lake while failing to paddle a giant pumpkin across, and Chris Harrison had to confirm on Twitter that a producer finally went to help her.

Photo from Twitter

The course also involved dressing as a squirrel and finding an acorn with your name on it in a pile of leaves, and Anna hides newcomer Brittany’s because she knows people from back home who don’t like her. Mari “wins” the race, but it is not clear what the actual prize is.

At the night portion, Anna finally gets her chance to speak with Matt and has absolutely nothing to say. She blames this on being distracted by Brittany waiting in her peripheral vision. Mad that her time (which she was not at all using effectively) has been interrupted, Anna complains to Victoria and then tells her that she has heard rumors that Brittany is an escort and “entertains men for money.” The only evidence Anna has to back this up is that Brittany “knows rich men.”  Let the slut-shaming commence.

It made me sick to see women tearing each other down and calling Brittany a slut, a whore, and a disgusting mixture of the two, “slore.” I, of course, support sex workers and genuinely believe that that line of work needs to be destigmatized. To make matters worse, the rumor appears to be completely untrue. I genuinely think that crazy-eyed Anna mentally snapped and came up with this bullshit on the spot just to try to “ruin” Brittany’s life. The truly terrible part is that it will work, to some extent. While many people online are not believing the rumor and are saying it’s wrong to slut-shame whether it is true or not, not everyone in the world is so kind. Lies like this follow women for the rest of their lives, especially when made on national TV.

The group date rose goes to Bri, but because of the slut-shaming drama, the audience didn’t even see her and Matt speak.

The next day Anna tells Brittany the horrible things she said about her, admits that they were horrible, apologizes, but does not explain why she would say something so horrible. Nothing is resolved.

Image from abc.com

The one-on-one date goes to one of the new girls, Michelle, and she and Matt fall head-over-heels in love, and the show is basically a wrap at this point. The two embark on the world’s most romantic scavenger hunt. They start with zip-lining (I would’ve quit the show at this point), then pop balloons with questions to help them get to know each other and say they want three kids at the exact same time. Finally, they ride (and make-out) in a hot air balloon. The other girls watch them through binoculars from their balcony.

During the night portion, Michelle tells Matt about being a teacher during 2020 and helping her students cope with everything that happened. She relates this to his charity helping underprivileged kids. She then begins to quote Maya Angelou, and Matt finishes the sentence, as it is his personal favorite quote. These two just might make me believe in soulmates. She, of course, gets the rose.

Image from Twitter

The second group date is a literal boxing match. The girls go out to the woods (why are they in the woods?) to be trained by boxing champion Mia St. John. They only get a couple of matches into the fights, though, because Serana P gets punched in the face, and Matt doesn’t want to see one of the girls he actually likes get hurt.

At night, we see Matt and Rachel speaking, and he asks her what she needs from him to know he wants her to stay. That’s a great sign for their relationship.

We get a cutaway to Anna and Victoria back at the house, calling the other women stupid bitches and dumb whores. They are literal demons, and they need to go.