Being ace is growing up not wanting to talk about sex because it makes you feel uncomfortable and gross. Itās wondering why everyone else had this switch turn on in them that was off only a short time ago. Itās feeling that you just donāt want to be part of that life, and assuming everyone else is right that youāll grow up one day and understand.
Being ace is having your friends censor what they say around you because it makes you so freaking uncomfortable to talk about that kind of stuff. Itās feeling happy that your friends are nice enough to do their best to not cause you discomfort, but kinda wishing you could be like them.
Being ace is, two years later at the age of fifteen, simply being acclimatized to all the sex jokes and conversations, but still feeling a pang of discomfort every single time it happens.
Being ace is having a friend say to youĀ āBut youāll want to have sex someday, wonāt you?ā and replying yes because you donāt have a better answer.
Being ace is discovering the word āasexualā and having it resonate so deeply within your soul that you have a feeling of āthis is meā.
Being ace is then proceeding to panic at the thought of the wordĀ āasexualā because who ever heard of someone like that?
Being ace is remembering a time when you were uncomfortable calling yourself straight becauseĀ āstraightā meantĀ āheterosexualā andĀ āheterosexualā meantĀ āsexualā and thatās not what you wanted. Itās being relieved at the discovery of romantic attraction, because there was no disputing the fact that you liked guys in a romantic way. Itās realizing that the separation of romantic and sexual attraction has been one of the most important things to you in discovering that you were ace, because once they werenāt bundled into the same definition, you finally felt free to describe yourself as asexual.
Being ace is finally being happy with yourself and who you are. Itās figuring out that itās okay to be uncomfortable with the thought of having sex, and itās okay to not want it. Itās knowing that youāre still ace on the days where you actually find jokes about sex and things similar to it funny. Itās being okay with not having a clear line between things that make you uncomfortable and things that donāt. Itās having a super fun time playing Cards Against Humanity with your friends, and having fun watching them laugh at the cards that you may never fully understand.
Being ace is having it be your senior year of high school, and while you want nothing more than to tell your friends about this discovery about your sexuality you had, but being really super scared. Itās giving yourself a deadline to tell someone before graduation, and then not meeting that deadline because of poor time management skills and also being terrified of having this identity be rejected. Itās knowing that, even if the first person you want to tell doesnāt understand asexuality, that sheās going to support you no matter what, because she fully supports the LGBT+ community and has never expressed disgust with the mention of asexuality. Itās being scared that sheāll hate you regardless.
Being ace is finally working up the courage to tell her. Itās sitting her down when itās just the two of you alone and saying,Ā āIām asexual.ā Itās giving a super long explanation of what it is, how youāve come to identify with it, what it means to you, and just feeling so relieved to get all these feelings off your chest. Itās her being happy for you, that you found this word for yourself, and just her being proud of you.
Being ace is calling her up months later because you tried to hang out with some new friends you found at college and leaving early because you just couldnāt. Itās being angry because you just canāt enjoy hanging out with people in college because college is just so sex obsessed. Itās trying to play Cardās Against Humanity with your new friends, only to find that itās not the same fun game you played with your squad back home, but now an anxiety inducing terror of a game that gives you your first experience of āI canāt be here I want to get out of here I want to leave I canāt do this.ā Itās her helping you remember why youāre happy to be ace and that itās okay to not like the concept of sex. Itās her being there for you when youāre hours away in college. Itās her being so supportive of your sexuality and who you are that you honestly couldāt have hoped for a better friend.
Being ace is coming home from college to visit, and having a mission to tell another friend. Itās letting her know that you have something important and good to tell her later. Itās her asking, in front of a bunch of other friends, if she can hear the good thing. Itās you making an awkward attempt to steer the conversation far away from that topic, and somehow succeeding. Itās driving her home from a late night out at Dennyās, sitting in your car in the dark, and having her turn to you and sayĀ ācan I hear your good thing now?ā Itās you giving her the same conversation you gave your other friend months before, but this time with a little more confidence. Itās her having the same response, that she fully supports you and she loves you and sheās proud of you!
Being ace is calling her up weeks later because youāre a nervous wreck. Itās having deep anxiety about being asexual that youāve never had before in the two years of identifying with this term (or for that matter, and deep anxiety that youāve never had ever). Itās letting out all of your darkest fears about being ace and telling her how mad you are that youāre not normal - why canāt you just be normal? Itās her being the voice of reason that you canāt be for yourself right now.
Being ace is, a day later after she calmed you down and made you happy with yourself again, seeing a post on tumblr that says that asexual heteroromantics are just straight people making up sexualities. Itās feeling your self esteem instantly plummet more than it ever has in your entire life.
Being ace is her letting you know that she and the only other friend youāve told about being ace are so so so so soĀ proud of you for figuring out who you are, and that theyāve got your back no matter what.
Being ace has meant some very recent anxiety for me, but itās also meant finding people who understand and feel the same way I do. Itās meant finding a way for me to be comfortable in a world that always makes me uncomfortable, itās meant support and love from some of the people who mean the world to me, and itās meant understanding myself in words that make sense to me.
Happy Asexual Awareness Week everyone!