#aceisace

Being Ace sometimes means that I am frustrated with the world around me. Before I had a label for this identity I was angry that the rest of humanity was so very lacking in self control. I hated the idea that humans allowed themselves to fall prey to their lusts. I hated having it thrown at me by the popular culture. Sexual attraction seemed like a giant hoax to me. It was so overblown, so ridiculous to think that anyone could be so overtaken with need that they would cheat on a spouse, have sex when they might be caught, or even sleep with someone they hated. This couldn’t be real life, I thought. But I have known people that fit this allosexual stereotyping. And now I can admit that it was always easy for me to look down my nose at people that made these ‘choices’ because the choice is so much easier when you don’t feel that want to begin with. It’s easy to be true to a lover, if your eye never wanders.

What I had been mistaking for lust in myself, was not sexual attraction at all but a myriad of other feelings coalescing into something I decided must be want. Must be ‘lust’, a ‘crush’, ‘love’. I always knew I was different, but I always assumed it had more to do with my higher-than-average intelligence (I’m not putting this in here to brag, I’m simply stating what is fact) than with anything in me being ‘broken’. Earlier this week, I wrote my coming out story, so I’m not going to go into those feelings too much more here. This is more about how I feel now, being Ace.

That anger and frustration has characterized me, most of my life. Somedays, even knowing why it all bothers me so much, it gets to me. I learned through years of struggle and self-hatred that when you get angry, you lose. It’s taken me years to learn to control that fury, and now I try and take a deep breath and get through it, when I can. Last night I went to a concert, for example, and a (for all intents and and purposes) heterosexual couple spent most of the evening standing on the landing, making out and generally being a nuisance. I cannot for the life of me understand why you would pay for seats to see a concert and then not only not use them, but barely even watch the concert for favor of making out with someone you can probably make out with some other time.

My queer platonic partner (Grey-A) was more than a bit uncomfortable with the display, and after a good chunk of time, I got up and asked them to move. Luckily for me, they did, and it didn’t become the fight I was fearing from drunken revelers. I am aware that this discomfort, this annoyance, is not specific to Asexual people. Most people, I’m willing to bet, would be uncomfortable with PDA, especially if it were in the way of something they DID want to see. My point here is that my lack of understanding in regards to this couple extends to how I view the rest of the world. I had an equally uncomfortable time watching Grimm the other night and seeing a couple have a passionate (and semi-violent) makeout session in one of the characters’ living room. Again, this is not true for all Aces, but it is for me. The way I experience (read DON’T experience) sexual attraction has led to a disconnect in me when it comes to an understanding of these things. I have never been comfortable with a lack of understanding in any area of my life, and that discomfort makes this feeling all the more vicious.

Now, if you have never felt this way, imagine it for a moment, please. Now imagine being uncomfortable with something that is considered fairly commonplace (in varying degrees) and then having to explain that discomfort... When more likely than not 99/100 people will be confused by your discomfort. If you want to explain it by talking about your asexuality, you are then likely in for an entire sexualities lesson just to get the person you’re trying to talk with to understand your vocabulary. So in effect I am a non-sexual person in a society where ‘Sex Sells’. And I do not even consider myself to be terribly sex-repulsed, though I do waver between sex-indifferent and repulsed, despite being politically sex positive. I know. I want less sex in media, and I want us to be less shaming about sex as a culture, especially in regards to female sexuality? I’m a contradiction that way. I’d love to explain it to anyone who wants to talk about this further.

My point is that society is confusing and uncomfortable a lot of the time for a touch-averse, aromantic asexual not-quite-cis female (who has cis privilege regardless of how I feel about my gender and I own that and I think it is important to acknowledge that). All of that aside, I am so happy to have my label. I am so happy to finally know that there are WORDS for what I’m feeling, and I can stack those words and unpack those words and own those words and love them or hate them on any given day, but they are there and they are MINE. Mine to keep and mine to share.

Compared to a lot of people, my life has been easy. Compared to a lot of others, it has been very hard. I’m not here to compete in the Oppression Olympics or to cry about a world that is never going to fit just right for me. I am here because somehow I lived my life well enough that I made it this far. I am here because I hope to help others make it this far, farther, if I can. I am here because I am Ace and Proud and FABULOUS. Even if maybe sometimes I get a little frustrated, with the world and with myself.

And in case you need the reminder tonight, YOU are fabulous too. Even if you think you’re broken right now. You aren’t. I know, because I’m not broken. Even if you don’t fit the societal norm. You don’t have too. I know, because I don’t, and I’m still happier than I have ever been, now that I know where I DO fit, and have the support net to catch me. You are valid and you are perfect as you are. If you look at yourself and don’t like what you see, look at why that is. If it’s because society is telling you that you are wrong and broken, you AREN’T. If it’s because you’ve screwed up... Well, fix it. Be the best you that you can be. It sounds ridiculous, but it’s so worth it. If you can, be the person you needed when you were at your lowest.

To me, that’s the most important thing about my identity as Ace. If I can help one person who is struggling like I struggled, it’s enough. it’s more than enough.