thinking a lot lately abt like, identity as a description of the way the world sees/treats us, vs identity as an assertion that carves out the space that feels necessary for us to breathe
and why do i feel perfectly comfortable with the latter when it comes to sexuality—though of course idk that sexuality can ever be perfectly legible but maybe gender can't either—but so uncertain when it comes to gender
the world is going to see me as a woman 99% of the time in this body unless i take more drastic steps than just binding and dressing masc, bc i'm so babyfaced; but also the world is similarly inclined to read me as straight and i don't feel pressured by that to identify that way
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at some level—at most levels—i read my own femininity (or what i identify as that; who knows whether others would agree) as the product of coercive/traumatic socialization/restriction, which alienates me from it even more
an old tag of mine that tumblr likes to autosuggest is 'what is femme without fluttering anxiety' and for me personally i stand by that, like, femininity feels to me like being desperate for approval—my own? my mother's? hypothetical partners'? though of course i wouldn't actually want any partner who wanted me to be more feminine than i am, but nonetheless the spectre is there
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the ways i want to care for the people i love, to accommodate them and look out for them and go to great lengths for them, feel pathetic-girl sometimes
and like, that's internalized misogyny, i suppose
but of course it is, i'm steeped in that, this is the culture i live in & i can't get out of the water, i just gotta figure out how to navigate it as best i can & not drown
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i would love to go a long time without having to consider the question/structures/strictures of gender at all but unfortunately gender is a thing that happens to me/to all of us every day
