An open letter to the local “alternative” station, who have not actually given themselves a name but only go by The New 96X.

Dear The New, I’m pleased that you took my suggestions regarding all the pop music back before Thanksgiving.  It was getting pretty annoying, the fact that you didn’t seem to have any idea as to what the word “alternative” was meant to be in relation to what it should be an alternative for.  I realize the genre is pretty nebulous, hard to pin down on the best of days, and I’m glad that you have entirely replaced the pop and Top 40 bullshit with oldies.  Can’t go wrong with oldies.

The problem lies in the fact that there’s already an oldies station.  The songs you’re playing can be argued to be “vintage alternative,” because it was all rebellious back in the day to have lyrics that suggested sex and drugs were going on, ever, anywhere.  How edgy! But there’s only so edgy you can get once the same song has been used in four different car dealership commercials.  It’s time to look to what’s available in the present day, or at least pick out some oldies which still fall pretty well into the edginess you so crave; I recommend some of the quieter songs for that, as they don’t get blasted very often.  “Long Cool Woman” by the Hollies is one choice, right next to “Take a Walk on the Wild Side” by Lou Reed. About that last one.  There’s some things mentioned in the lyrics that might make you nervous, such as the word “colored” and the implication that one of the song’s subjects is a trans woman.  Take a breath, because we’re about to plunge.

The whole point of alternative as a musical genre is to be experimental, to be true to the artist instead of the audience.  If what you’re looking for was wide appeal, my dear The New, you’re going to have to go back to playing pop music.  If you really want to see how far the rabbit hole goes with actual alternative, I have some points of interest for your study. 1. Did you know that many artists have composed more than three songs?  Green Day and the White Stripes and one or two others have even concocted whole albums! 2. Lots of incredible bands never make it onto the radio at all.  Spotify and Pandora are wonderful resources for discovering those bands, as well as asking anyone who listens to alternative, ever.  Next time you’re getting ready to throw a Van Halen record on the turntable, stop and consider if this is a good moment to instead put up the Decemberists.  If you’re feeling particularly adventurous, there’s even bands from other countries that would play nicely–I’m thinking of Les Breastfeeders and Korpelaani. 3. For goodness sake, train your DJs to stop talking over the music.  If you insist on keeping on the way you are, at least don’t make me listen to their chatter instead of what I actually came here for. 4. You’re a local station.  Act like it.  

A note on that last bit: I’m not just talking about playing music from our area that’s made it big.  There are at least two that I know of, likely more, but that’s not what I’m talking about.  There used to be a rich music scene in this city, and it died quickly with the fall of your predecessor, The Fox.  Largely this had to do with The Fox featuring local bands on weekends, advertising their shows and occasionally even granting short interviews to the members.  It got people listening to their neighbors’ art, it made the bands feel like they were really on the verge of something big, and it meant that (boring adult alert) local dollars were being spent on the arts whenever someone went to see the shows.  And you know what?  The music didn’t suck.  There was always a gamble, especially when the band didn’t have a clean recording, but more often than not, I was glad to know their name.  You could be doing this, The New, but you aren’t.  I sincerely hope this is because you didn’t know, because otherwise, it means you just didn’t care. For fuck’s sake, if you can give airtime to that one restaurant downtown every Thursday and call it a “cooking show,” but can’t to the people who actually create what will become your (metaphorical) bread and butter, you need to take a good hard look at your priorities.

Coming to you live from a world that has a lot bigger problems than the music scene of one small town,