#838pm

It happens

This won't

It does

God why the fuck do I believe anyone

Why do I put trust into people.

So looking back at my previous blog posts I sound like one sad ass mothafucka. Honestly I still probably do feel that way deep deep down inside of me but at this point I feel as if my life as accumulated so much adrenaline that I really don't have time to care about any of the little mundane things as well as the bigger picture. For some reason, I've been a little more careless... Or a lot more careless but at the same time I feel like this "life adrenaline" can be put to use!

3 weeks has passed since my last post and I feel like in those three weeks I've realized many things. Again, my life goes in a very fast pace, somehow. Because sometimes it feels like my life isn't going anywhere but. Those three weeks helped me realize a lot of things. It's just things that I've realized, don't really feel like typing them down.

 Also, I met Love. It's weird I know, it's kinda like I just met him but I want to try. Maybe I don't know. He's a good guy. And in all seriousness I can see him help me be a better person. Now in my communications class w e did this activity where we gauge rewards and costs and predict an outcome for the relationship of whoever the rewards and costs go to, and honestly I feel like Love has a lot more to offer for me than for me to him. I don't know what to do and I'm not much of a sentimental person so, even me devoting a little of my time to him seems soo much to me though he probably wouldn't be able to see that. It's normal for people to do what I do, but it's a big deal to me. I guess it kind of just makes me realize that I am a selfish person and because I'm so selfish I have so many doubts. It sucks thinking this way, like I'm always on my toes when in reality I might not even have to be that way. Everything might just be perfectly fine but because I have these doubts it's totally ruining to bigger picture for me which I don't really know how to feel about.

I hate being on this lock down shit. I should be out right now. I didn't intend on spending the rest of my summer stuck at home not doing anything. And I'm feeling sooo distant from kg, it's ridiculous. It's even ridiculous how much I like him. And my brother doesn't have my back, once again. I mean if he just told my parents that he and I are going to his girlfriend's house, my parents wouldn't really hesitate saying yes. I feel soooo suffocated, the more I stay here, the more and more suffocated I get. I feel like my head is about to explode. I have nothing to do here but go online and read about how exciting other people's lives are. And I absolutely hate it when kids complain about not going out for one day. ONE day, come on, I can't even go out at all. It feels just like sophomore year of high school. Or actually every year of high school. I so can't wait till Sacramento starts. I can't wait to get out of this HOUSE! This CITY. I should just prepare for the failure of kg and I. I don't think it's going to work out, it's pretty much going down the drain at this point. I need to get over it fassstt. Okay, from now on I don't care. Nothing matters between he and I. I have a feeling I'm going to go back on this, but I'm just preparing myself IF "our thing" isn't working out. Man I sound like a psycho, but this is just how I get over stuff internally. Because I don't really talk about this at all. To anyone. So, shit, we ain't working out so I should just move along now. *shrug. 2 and a half weeks more and I can go mingle with Sacramentans...? Idk what are people is Sacramento called?