#8.28.19

Here is a list of reasons why I’m not feeling great about it:

The commute. I’m not living on campus this year, which I feel like will be good for my mental health, but I am not a fan of driving. The hour drive there and back is more like an hour long heart attack, consisting of me freaking out constantly about getting into a wreck. Couple that with random spirts throughout the day of playing the mental tape of my car crash last year in my head, along with nightmares every once in a while about it, the commute is not very fun. But I guess it’s a good music listening sesh tho.

Online classes. I’ve never been great at these, and I wouldn’t be taking them if I didn’t have a choice. So yeah. Stress stress stress STRESS.

Work. Working 30 hours a week while going to school full time, combined with the commute means feeling like I will not have any time to do anything. It gives me quite the bout of anxiety just thinking about it.

Ethics and psychology. Just, yeah. Not my thing. Insert politics, blah blah blah.

Depression. Yup, still around. It’s like the friend who is always over at your place that you really don’t want to be there, but you haven’t quite figured out how to make them leave yet. Depression for me most noticeably show up (in the perspective of other) during the school year as severe procrastination, which isn’t good for obvious reasons.

Extreme sleep deprivation. Yeah, pretty much every night I don’t get enough sleep. I fall asleep around 3:30-4am, and I get up at 9am for work. It’s not because I’m not trying to sleep (I usually “go to bed” at midnight) but I lay awake for 3 hours. I hear melatonin can fix this, which I may try sometime soon. But obviously this takes a toll on mental states and productivity and such.

Last but not least, nicotine. Yup. I’m gonna try to kick the JUUL on Sept. 1st, but I’m not too confident in myself on it. We’ll see if I’m back to ripping it on Sept. 2nd or not.

8 * 2 / 8 = |1 - 9|

Also:

8 + 2 - 8 + 1 = √9

Also:

[ rx Ace of Wands, rx Five of Swords, rx Five of Rings ]

She asked if the guy she’s been speaking to on and off for almost 4 years will ever open up and share how he feels about her. I asked if there was anything she could do to help bring that about or if it was likey that he would open up. 

He may not be sure how to go about telling you. He wants to, but he can’t commit to the ‘how.’ He may be waiting for the “right” way and/or time. He also needs to focus on what is is he wants, in life and in your relationship. It may benefit you both to be more explicit in what you want as what you want may not be the same things he thinks of. 

You both want to move forward after these last 4 rocky years. Separately and together you’ve both experienced hurt. There was conflict, disagreements, and you both have issues and old wounds that you’ll need to deal with and heal from. But you both want to, so this is positive. And it may be helpful if you guys work on this together. It’ll be bonding and informative.