One of the hardest things for me to cope with is the past. Every year looking back seems to get easier, but it never really does. In the past six years I've learned methods of coping with mental health, all of which have made me a more outgoing and personable human. I'm calmer, less anxious, and honestly happier than I've ever been. Which is great.
However, one thing I've found is that it only takes a small thing to slip back into a hole. A very common one for me is the replay over and over of my car accident in my head. I could be doing anything and then *BAM*. The replay of the accident happens. My heart rate spikes. I begin sweating. Panicking. I'm scared, shaken. I feel like I'm exactly in that moment. And with it I feel myself slip into a dark place. But I always catch myself.
Today a new "small thing" happened. While using a machine at work, I just so happened to look towards my left wrist. And somehow, some way, in some kind of perfect lighting I saw numerous perfectly straight lines across my wrist. Scars I haven't seen in six years. Just....there. To me, clear as day.
I had to do a double take, moving my arm around. Trying different angles. Holding my arm close to my face. Far away from my face. And in any angle other than the absolute perfect angle of picking up dough to put into this machine they're nonexistent.
And then, just like the car accident- panic. It was like the flood gates in my mind opened with a billion different fears and thoughts. I felt like I couldn't function. After an hour or so of trying to clear my head with calm music and some water, I realized what had happened. I immediately was back in that headspace I was in six years ago. Trying to subconsciously justify self harm just like I did back then, despite refraining from it for five years.
Usually with these kinds of "flashbacks" I'm perfectly fine again within a couple minutes. But it's been 13 hours since this happened and I'm still thinking it over. This kind of extended anxiety over this specific thing is completely foreign to me, especially nowadays. Even with other, more blatantly obvious scars nothing like this happens when I look at them. It scares me- I'm afraid years of working to get to where I want to be, to where I am right now, is going to go down the drain. I really don't want to lose the relaxed, easy going and open personality I've worked so hard within myself to achieve. I don't want to become the loose cannon, anxious, and unpredictable person I was in 2015 again. But I'm afraid it could happen without me even realizing it. All because I saw a some faint scars for the first time in six years.
I may be overreacting. Part of me however believes I'm not. I don't know honestly.
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One of the coping methods I've used extensively is writing music. I take my thoughts, shove them into a stupid melody I have in my head, and very recently fit them into an overarching theme/story.
The 2014-2016 period in my life, however, I'm not sure I want to write songs about. I honestly want to move on, forget, and let the past be the past. But maybe it'll help with this. I'll give it a shot and see.
Once again, thanks for coming to my TED Talk.
prguitarman
origamiaround
izzy806
discoholicmusic
annaxmalina
theartofmadeline
