#8.2.18

Alright, so in the past 24 hours a lot has happened. 

Last night I self-harmed, and food has been terribly difficult lately. I had another urge to self-harm (or purge--the urges serve about the same purpose to me in the context of food.. self-punishment) after lunch today, but instead I used a DBT skill so that’s cool I suppose.

This afternoon I also went and met with Ms. G, my favorite high school teacher who I visit quite frequently. She’s like a mentor to me, and in high school I used to go to her when I was panicking, and she would also hold on to a box of protein bars for me so that when I needed to have a snack and had purposefully not brought anything or thrown something away I could go to her to get something. She also would always give me encouragement, etc. She’s just been a really big support to me over the past (5??) years. I had emailed her in June to tell her how poorly I have been doing and again when I got switched to IOP. Today I told her I was still doing horrible, and that I was probably going to go to residential treatment. She was really supportive and told me she believed in me even if I didn’t believe in myself and reminded me that (in her words), “in between perfect and failure is beautiful.” 

I texted my case manager earlier and asked her if I could meet for a couple minutes before or after groups, and she said yes. I brought in my blade to her, and I told her I self-harmed. Thank you to @my-adventure-begins-here for the encouragement to text her. I’m glad I gave her the blade, bc getting a hold of a blade usually satisfies the urge without actually self-harming if it takes a lot of effort....usually all that effort gives me time to reflect and decide not to self harm (the places I find blades are incredibly creative and not something I’m going to write here bc I don’t wanna give anyone ideas). 

Anyways, I was also supposed to hear back from Monte Nido about whether residential was their recommended level of care for me. As of 5:30 (when groups start), I hadn’t, but I got a call in the middle of the group, and I talked to someone, and they approved me for residential!!! I’m so relieved bc I really had in my head they’d tell me I wasn’t sick enough to need it. (IDK why). I still need to get medical clearance, but I’ll call my dr to make an appt tomorrow am. 

Anyways, the after dinner group this evening was motivation to change group. I honestly spent a lot of the group crying, but I think by the end of it, I actually did end up feeling a bit more motivated..... bc I went home and I HAD MY EVENING SNACK!!!!! which means today I’ve actually had ONE HUNDRED PERCENT OF MY MEAL PLAN!!!!!! I haven’t gotten to 100% in 2 weeks, so I’m pretty proud of myself tbh. Also kinda guilty feeling, but I’m trying to focus on the proud part of it.

hello i know i’ve been Very inactive tumblr hasn’t really been something i use a lot anymore i might come back semi-actively soon but maybe not because i start college soon

follow me on twitter to keep in contact with me: @artisticwltch

but uh yeah anyways hey i’m tyler (or ty or tj whichever), pls use he/him or they/them thanks

Today on Chocobo’s Instagram (8/2/18):

Camellia: Does Gorta count as a step parent if you and my mom were never married? [deleted: I am none too fond of this.]