#7.3.18

I am terrified I won't be well enough to take classes this fall.

Physically, I have made progress. I am stable, back where I was when I was "doing okay." However, the reality is that there is a lot of work left to go—with food and with trauma—left for me to process, and I am tired.

As for processing the past, the worst has yet to come. The work is necessary. So necessary. And yet, when I face this work, I am scared I'll be back to ground zero, either unwilling to feed myself or paralyzed with urges to do myself harm.

I live in a state of shame, and though I attempt to contradict the beliefs deeply engrained within my past, my actions are feeble; my thoughts distant; and my body numb.

The drama already effecting the charts.