#7.16.24

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7.16.24 / day 23 of romanticizing my life until i love myself again

forgot to eat today until i left for work (when i realized) and finally got chipotle after work

today was my first day relying fully on public transportation (no car fr since i returned my friend’s car i was borrowing yesterday)

it was kind of nice, living alone, i miss people now, and it often feels like i need a purpose to see people (or need to spend money, like at a coffee shop or something). i walked more today than i have all week, though i feel inherently guilty every time i walk somewhere without sweet pea. everything i do feels like it has to be for someone or something else, some other purpose. even when i had a car, i would tell my neighbor when i had to head out in case they needed a ride. is it that i compulsively feel the need to be of service? or do i just fear being alone that much?

i keep thinking about the conversation i had with my lyft driver yesterday on my way back from dropping off my friend’s car. i ended up talking to the driver about how i just lost my car and wasn’t sure if i wanted to get another one or not. he was telling me about how it’s good to have a car because it gives you independence, to which i agreed.

then, he went on telling me about how you can help people out, but to make sure you don’t putt much energy into people who wouldn’t show up for you the same. and just gave me all this unsolicited advice about how your energy gets drained from giving and giving to people who wouldn’t do the same for you, how you have to be careful who you give your energy to, and this is the most masculine car guy, driving a pimped out lexus, i have ever met. but these are the words i needed. he’s just gotten off of the phone with his girlfriend (i assume) who just go to his place, he’s let her know that this is his last ride and then he’s coming home.

sometimes i feel like my angels, the universe, or whatever, comes through random people that i intercept in my life to send me the messages i need. and maybe i’m just desperate for some comfort, some solace, that i take it from strangers, since i’m not getting it in my real life. i hear him, and i think about how the last time af reached out to me was because they wanted something, and how that always seems to be the eventual turn of the trend with them. how, even when i was dying with covid, they only popped in to talk once they needed comfort and support in their own moment of crying, and then for weed, and then for their party. they are young, i know, and they are going through their own turmoil. and i need to learn how to ask for help when i need it instead of going crazy until i come out the other side stable enough to be there for other people again.