#7.13.19

"Recovery And Visitation"

When i was about... hm 14ish? I became really obsessed with dreams and dreaming. Of course as part of that I also studied lucid dreaming, and tried really hard to have one. It’s a lot of work, keeping a detailed dream journal but more importantly doing reality checks constantly and enough to where you’d end up doing them naturally in your dream.

But my hard work actually paid off. I was in the bleachers at a school basketball game. Some old couple that i knew irl sat in front of me, and then the man reached down, turned around, held out his hand and asked, “is this yours?”

In his hand was the model top that i had from the movie Inception, which of course i had seen. I thanked him and took it from him, but the tip of the top... was all bent and askew, at almost a 90 degree angle. I took it and bent it back into shape, and then i realized that i shouldn’t be able to do that in real life, and suddenly my consciousness surged and i was aware in my dream. It didn’t last very long, though, because i got too excited and accidentally woke myself up. I’ve been unable to lucid dream since.

It’s so weird, though. Despite not being able to lucid dream, i still am able to control my dreams?? Like i’ll be dreaming and then something will happen in the narrative of it that i don’t like so i’ll stop the dream, change the situation, then continue on dreaming. But it lacks the lucidity that it should have. 

Other interactions that come close to lucid dreaming is when i talk to spirits in my dream. This has only happened twice; the first time is when my raven spirit mentor came to me, introduced itself, and told me to meet it in the astral. The other time is when a large tree spirit came and gave me some kind of advice and wisdom, which i didn’t write down and am still regretting it to this day. But both times, i was dreaming, and then suddenly... the dream kind of like surged around me and zoomed in into my person and then suddenly the spirit was in front of me, talking to me.

Anyways, this morning i was dreaming and i thought about it, and i wanted to try and make it happen... and i couldn’t make it happen... I don’t know if i’ll be able to tbh, I think i’m just too detached from myself and my thoughts?? I think i need to try doing something like i do when i astral travel, somehow bring my consciousness into my dream body?? Or maybe i can ask one of my guides to help me, although i feel that might be a little bit difficult.

But I’d really like to try. I see a lot of potential for me in terms of working in the astral realm through the dream realm, as well as experimenting with reality and consciousness in general.

Anyways, this has been on my mind for a while and especially today, so i wanted to get my thoughts on paper. We’ll see what happens.

Tonight I can’t help but remember the dizzying pleasure of melting into your warm arms wrapped tight around me & the golden hue the world turned when I caught you smiling at me.

I am a thousand kisses  deep in memories & wishing. Darling, could you smile now?

Do you remember how I called & you answered, how you came to hold me & laugh my fears away? You covered me in kisses & brought the sun out again.

"Color Story"

After skipping Thursday and Friday, Kristine and I decided we needed to finish Week 4 a week late, but early on Saturday morning. I am always so thankful when she agrees to get up at 6:00 or 6:30 on a weekend morning, and I was equally thankful when she liked going a downhill route better than the uphill route we had originally started training with.

There was an intense hill right at the beginning, but then it was downhill for the middle portion of the run. And, as usual, even with me anticipating it, the anxiety that hit during that first run made me want to lay down and cry in the middle of the road. My pace slowed to a walk as Kristine pressed on past me, over the hill, and around the corner. I shook my head, trying to maintain a fast-paced walk, as I breathed in through my nose, out through my mouth, trying to talk myself down from the anxiety gripping tight in my chest. Why? I thought angrily. Why do I do this?

We decided to go over another street to give ourselves more ground to run, and as soon as the terrain changed to a slight hill, I slowed my pace way down. Again, Kristine pushed past me like a champ. I told myself I couldn’t quit this time, and even though my running was more like a speed walk, I made it through those five grueling minutes.

The next two runs, I would do the same thing I did on Monday. I would slow down or wimp out, but I only let myself stop long enough to catch a deep breath, and then I would pick it up again. My mind wanted to look at Kristine and tell me I’d never have her mental strength to push through the things that sucked. My thoughts went straight to the negative when I quit before a hill that I knew had been coming, and it seemed helpless to train my brain to be tougher.