Oct 6, 2019
"En son hangi acı seni uykusuz bıraktı, en son hangi coğrafya için gözyaşı döktün?.. "
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"En son hangi acı seni uykusuz bıraktı, en son hangi coğrafya için gözyaşı döktün?.. "
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sevgili 23,
senin gelmene şurada çok az bir zaman kaldı. şayet sen gelene kadar bir yerlerde yitip gidersem, beni mazur gör. çünkü bu hayatı farklı bir açıdan ele alsam da kendimi sevmezken yaşamak zor, çok zor.
ölümü düşünmeden edemiyorum artık. ya ondan kaçmak ya da onu kucaklamak istiyorum.
aslında korkuyorum da ölmekten. her şey gibi bunu da betonlaştırdıkları mezara girmek istemiyorum. toprağa gömülmek sorun değil, ama ölüyken bile dört duvara hapsedilmek istemiyorum, yaşarken zaten kendi duvarlarıma hapisken.
içimde ölürken 22im, sana yetişemezsem affet beni 23.
They suggested I add an applesauce to my meal—which I already felt like was more than enough. But I didn't argue. I didn't debate. She said it was optional since it was my first day, but I did it, because it's not my first time having a first day and I know the drill. However, usually I'd argue. I'm proud of myself. I need to own my own recovery. I did good. I finished the meal. Including the apple sauce (which I wouldn't have initially agreed to if I'd known it was sweetened, but since I'd already agreed, I stuck with the challenge—because yea having sweetened applesauce was a big challenge for a multitude of reasons most of which being my mom's food rules from when I was a kid.) Anyways, I didnt rely on support to coerce me. I ate the food. I focused. I pushed myself. I used the fact that there was accountability to push myself, but I didn't wait until someone else had to coerce me—which I tend to do. My therapist was reluctant about me going to IOP bc she didn't want me regressing and relying on treatment staff to push me along, so I'm going to prove her wrong. I need support, but I've also got to lead my own journey.
YALL IM COMING CLEAN.
Fursona: the Loch Ness
"Pop Up"
(6.10.19)
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6.10.19
I’m going back to IOP tonight...in an hour. ugh so many emotions today!!!! the actual assessment went really smoothly until near the end when I actually had to make a decision about (a) IOP starting thursday (b) starting tonight (c) no IOP, followup next week.... and I dissociated and started convincing myself that I didn’t need IOP and that I’d go home and skip lunch.... which is..... not a convincing argument to say the least (rolls eyes at my ED).
Somehow I always manage to have really coherent assessments where I’m a-okay. Of course, I get in the car and immediately start crying. Of course. And then I cried over lunch (and it took an hour, me running into the other room, a page and a half of journeling), etc.
Snacks? haven’t been happening. and they need to be.
The woman I did my assessment with said that if it’s all I need, then maybe this could just be like a quick 2 week IOP stretch. I wouldn’t mind that. It’s super important I stay in charge of my own recovery and not fall back on my team to hold me a float.
S said he thinks I could be trying harder. And I feel like absolute shit hearing that, because I feel like I’m trying SO hard. truly. But... ah.. sigh. I don’t know.
argh
things are hard.
but hey I guess IOP is what I need right now.
also classes start today. I have two online classes. they’re 7 week courses. one is a stupid requirement...it’s two credit hours but so much work. the other is a upper level math class and barely any work....but I know it’ll take just as much time bc the work will be HARD. So it’s critical thinking... a basic logic course (which is going to be a redundant stupid course for a math major but hey whatever) and then “Special Problems and Solving Strategies”.
So I spent an hour crying over how overwhelmed I felt instead of doing work. that’s one way to exist i suppose. blah.
I've been in treatment so many times. Let's not talk about it. I learn more every time tho tbh.
Idk if I consider this a fresh time either. I never relapsed. I just struggled hard to keep up my progress. I slipped. But I was fighting the whole time. I'd only been discharged like 2 months.
"Dreary Morning 327"
(6.10.19)