#6:29pm

The earl grey taste is distinct, with the sharp citrusy flavour bringing out the sweetness nicely.

Winter❄

وحدها الحقيقة السائدة التي يجب عليّنا اِتخاذها منهجاً للحياة.

I've come to a habit of sitting in the car at night, letting the dark consume me while being "in" nature. It's like the car holds me in a sick unrealistic safety belt. I've been stuck dwelling over Markian and the men and women I want to date, to hold, to love, and it's poisoning me. I know best that love only comes along when you are not looking for it. So why am I torturing myself? Because i think i had flicker of love a day or two ago? Who knows what it was. Who knows what love is. Who knows what i am and why i crave the affection or love so much and the difference between the two. I think i desire love because it means happiness, the girl i used to be, the one locked away that's tired and defenseless or just completely gone or maybe is locked away to which was a figment of my imagination all along. I pursue love in someone in hopes of smiling again and i know it's nothing but worthless, time wasting, grueling pain. I've tried looking for it in myself and it's just not there. Im not a super hero or even just a kid in a movie who knows just what to do to stumble upon what's right and just. It's not in me. I look for love in god, which by the way has never fucking worked, god is a waste of time and it's a waste of time to capitalize their "name". I look in these people because im hoping to manipulate them so i can be that happy me when i want again. But that me is stolen from me forever. And the fact that im crumbling over it could mean that she was once there as my foundation, but who knows, im just a lost soul. If i even have one. Who the fuck knows or cares. And great my dad walked outside and threw all of my mojo off with the light. The light i so desperately crave with a smile, but hurts me every time. Is it because im too weak or because i simply dont belong? Maybe, just maybe, the control of my happiness is not something that is manipulatable, but in the hands of others that affect me, whether that be the people, the tides, the sun, the ground beneath me, the birds that fly above, or the grass between my toes (or hands rather, im begging in a poestic sense). And though i've come to realization that not even i can control my own happiness in any way, it has not hit me or sunken into my veins. Maybe i'll end up in a stockholm syndrome, i guess i am in my hippy phases of life, and i guess that makes sense because id rather be in pain with hope of happiness than completely numb and alone. I hope i keep fighting for something, for life, for answers, for me, but then again hope is just a four letter word.

What a beautiful sight that I will never get tired of looking at.