I've been re-listening to the entirety of Ars Paradoxica. Just finished Carmen and Petra's introductory episode and it gave me some major feels.
I've been procrastinating on finishing this series for over a year now, and I think I know why. Podcasts marked my time on the road. I was so lonely, but podcasts gave me something to hold onto when I was just floating about. At Sherwood, I binged the Bright Sessions. My drive from Texas was filled with Alice Isn't Dead. Georgia was where Sally Grisam kept me company on quiet nights while I painted. Ben and Sammy from King Falls AM gave me something to laugh about in Colorado. All of them kept me somewhat sane in New York.
The theme music from each one drags up extremely vivid memories of how I spent my time in each of those places. With each destination my mental health declined. But at least I had podcasts, stories to remind me that there's a bigger world outside of the nawing, incessant anxiety in my head.
I'm so scared of feeling like that again. Lonely, afraid, broke, cold, hungery, rejected, pathetic, miserable, aimless, suicidal. In hindsight, I should have been hospitalized.
Is this the part where I pat myself on the back for getting through it? For traveling, working, maintaining a steady check?
I don't feel like it. I feel sad and lonely again.
Maybe it's just a phase. Trevor left almost a week ago and the subdrop is still a thing, my period is due any second, and my sinuses are mad about the constant rain from the past two weeks.
I know I'm verging on codependent, but I seriously miss him. Seeing him again, doing what I want when I want with someone looking out for me, just made missing him worse. I find myself thinking about running, running from him. "We accept the love we think we deserve." Ain't that the truth. I've always had a hard time believing I deserve to be loved, truly, deeply loved. I keep waiting. Since day one, I've been waiting for him to tell me to go home, give him space. But he just keeps drawing me closer, holding me to his chest when he can. I've gradually been introducing him to the depth of my mental instability, but he hasn't withdrawn yet. He listens and comments when appropriate. He reminds me that there's a bigger world outside of the anxiety in my head.
I can't express how much that means to me. I hope it lasts.
