#5 enneagram

I feel too much and what I mean by that is my emotions are very strong. But I find that expressing my emotions makes me extremely vulnerable and I already am vulnerable. I do not want to appear weak at all so I hide most of what I feel behind false smiles and the phrase, "I'm okay." I am constantly appearing to others as an aloof, cold person when in actuality, I am very warm.

I care very much about others but it is when others treat people in negative ways that I truly hate people. I cannot stand stupidity and selfishness. I am constantly seeking knowledge and trying to find ways to make myself more useful to others. I suppose in the process, I've made a very nice doormat for some.

I want to be close to people, I want everlasting friendships and good relationships all around. But I find myself unable to relate to a lot of people and I am always detached from it all. I am paranoid that whoever I may get close to, they will turn around and hurt me. I fear pain and betrayal and so, I barely have any relationships to speak of. I value trustworthiness to a very high degree and once I'm crossed, I can never forget it. I may be able to forgive but I definitely never forget but I think it best to be a bigger person and show them kindness. Their own guilt is their punishment and it is enough for me.

Right now, I am at a war with myself. I constantly wonder if I should trust a person whom I care about. But I am deeply terrified that they actually don't care about me like I do them and I'd really rather not have a repeat of my last relationship. I'm not sure what to do...

And this probably didn't make any sense to anyone. I apologize. :(