#494th

96-0204 LN F-15E 494th FS by Jason Grant Via Flickr: LFA7 (2025) © Jason Grant - All Rights Reserved unauthorized use is strictly prohibited.

01-2002 LN F-15E 494th FS by Jason Grant Via Flickr: Animal flight - LFA7 (2025) © Jason Grant - All Rights Reserved unauthorized use is strictly prohibited.

96-0204 LN F-15E 494th FS by Jason Grant Via Flickr: LFA7 (2025) © Jason Grant - All Rights Reserved unauthorized use is strictly prohibited.

You don't need to make efforts to enjoy something. Nor should it be about forcing yourself to forget someone. It's meant to come naturally. When it's time to forget, you will just forget. And you just happen to enjoy things, for it need not be planned. I think I have been mentally exhausted then physically wearing me out for a week now. Because I desperately desire to self-approve that I'm enjoying Life, that I'm finally having my own Life back, that I can forget him completely (again... lol) that I can cheer, smile and have fun without thinking about him at all, and that..... etc. I'm MAKING EFFORTS, as if I HAVE TO enjoy, in order to show him I have my own Life, not just all thoughts revolving him.... Ah it's all like 'trying' again. Not just being chilled and letting it be, letting it go when it's time.... Why am I so not chilled and relaxing? Sometimes my heart just aches... I think... I'm still scared that one day when me and him really have no chance meeting whatsoever I would miss him so much I no longer have a Life (￣^￣)ゞso I'm subconsciously training myself to be emotionlly and physically independent of his existence. Again, my body is fast forwarding to the future time when he will never be around and I would miss him, and so how would I live? Yeah like now, what I'm doing right now exactly: keep busy, travelling all around, always on the move, accepting any meeting chance, reverting mentality whenever it inclines to go down somewhere not... too encouraging. On 20th I helped Ngọc carry luggages to Haneda, chatting, being hyped. Then on 21st I worked and met my professor. On 22nd I ran; on 23rd I hung out with Din; on 24th I flew home, unpacking; on 25th from early morning to night I met people and ran errands. On 26th since early morning I went with Mom to apply my new Identity Card, visiting a temple with Sun later, hanging out then back home right away for flight to Siem Reap, trying Angkor beer before another flight to Phnom Penh on the same day, and met relatives living in Canada for the first time. I was completely exhausted that midnight after the 3rd flight in 3 days. No I was already worn out after the flight to Siem Real and felt like a mental breakdown in any minute, that was why I ordered a beer lol like feeling pretty fucked up I need... more fuck-up (￣^￣)ゞ Because I'm pretty introvert, and trying so hard to be extrovert to self-prove I can enjoy Life without him undermined me graduatlly, till the point I just... stopped energising myself vigorously any further. I finally slept more than 8 hours today, waking up at noon. I had a shower to refresh my mind after long sleep, eating fruits then got two of Vietnamese must-eat checklists done 'Bún Cá' and 'Cơm Cá Kho'. Then I just went for a walk alone despite my mother's hesistation of letting me go strolling alone in Cambodia. That was when I finally came to realise that I was, again, making efforts to enjoy, instead of just... enjoying casually. I'm not casual nor chilled nor relaxing, I'm still too worked up, too serious and too... well, too overdramatising. To be able to acknowledge it, i reckon it contributes to a healthier growth yeah? Then I went back to the hotel, doing some exercises before swimming. It felt so much better, and made me realise I seriously need to take care of my figure, especially my... belly lol damn I don't have nice body as I always thought :-P it's true that you will always find out self-truth that brings you down to the ground instead of keeping your fantasy floating on air. I think I have just, again, faced some more difficult realities about myself: girly and clingy 'emo' person with a fatty belly body lol My brother just told me I'm such a failure.... Verbal abuse continues on in this family whenever I come home. Therefore, I still want to just live by myself lol I think someone who can only smooth-talk to outsiders and always spend harsh words on his closest members is a pain in the ass, a pretentious hypocrite who takes family for granted. Anyway no matter what I'd still rather care my closest ones and spend time investing in them at the expenses of ignoring outsiders or mid-outsiders completely, than having so much better social skills yet still become shitty at dealing with close ones. WORDS HURT. And it always hurts most if from the closest to you, because you feel the weight so much more.