Apr 3, 2020
Some space bisÂ
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Some space bisÂ
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Wait for It
Date: 4 April 2020
Duration: 31 minutes at 11:05 pm
Depth: Here is the diary entry from this night-
‘The quality of meditation was so-so. I didn’t fall asleep after the first 15 minutes. That’s a big plus for tonight’s session. I did consider skipping the session altogether. I didn’t skip it only for the sake of another starry milestone on Insight Timer. It was totally worth it to be motivated by the desire for another star on an app. The desire pushed the meditation agenda. That’s the best kind of desire, if you ask me.
My body swayed (and not quiver or shake) a lot. It was constant. I would catch my body moving voluntarily to the beat of my heart and I would observe this until it would stop and resume meditation mentally. It would start again and I would observe some more. In short, I never really got myself to the ever waking, constantly refreshing part of the mind that Paramahansa Yogananda refers to as the ‘super conscious mind’.
In fact, I barely heard my purely mental chanting voice utter the Hong Sau as I sat practising the technique. I watched my inhalation and exhalation but I couldn’t hear myself chant the corresponding syllables. I missed the uninterrupted super conscious by an inch. Next time things will improve. And that next time is tomorrow at sleep time. Cool.’
Covid-19 Easter
[I hate to tell you this, but]
Jesus is dead. This year he isn’t coming back.
We’ve all been hiding in our graves for 25 days, cutting up our Easter dresses to make face masks because he can’t protect you if he can’t protect himself.
There’s no Easter because we’re all being crucified.
you’re sending peace but where are you sourcing it from
‪I didn’t realize it would hurt to look at Harry Styles... I didn’t realize I wouldn’t be able to not see my dad looking at him. Maybe it’s why I always wanted Harry’s love -I put my dad’s love into him and made it unobtainable. but my dad loves me so much. loved me. forever ‬
I keep seeing 71 texts and all these messages and comments and I don’t get it. I am in shock. I don’t get it. It comes in small moments like above. or seeing kasey musgraves’ nose and realizing I’ll never see his nose again. or that we won’t talk about shows again. and won’t go to red rocks
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April 4, 2020 - Day 289
On one hand I didn’t need more tea, but on the other I did in fact need to add to my collection.
Pine pitched rocky ledge
Into the woods softly step
Onto the peat mossÂ
To be completely honest ... I’m not worried that you might not come back. I already know you won’t. I’m scared because I feel like all my trust issues, my insecurities, my walls ...... I feel like I’ve closed myself off so much that nobody is going to have the time or patience to love me.
It’s been 2 and a half years. 2 and a half years since you cheated on me and I get mad at myself all the time for still letting it play with my mind. For letting it get to me. I’m mad because I fell for your lies. I’m mad because you didn’t have the decency to tell me until you got caught. I’m mad because I allowed myself to keep loving you and take you back. I’m mad because I gave you everything that I had and let you walk all over me ...
I don’t think I’ll ever understand why you did what you did, or what I did to deserve all that pain... But I guess I had to go through it all to see and realise that one day, when my person walks into my life, the relationship that I have with them will be nothing like the relationship I had with you.
So I guess I should say thank you. Thank you for showing me how weak boys can truly be. For ruining me and leaving me to pick up the shattered pieces of my heart, because if you didn’t, I wouldn’t be the woman that I am now.