#4.10.23

Durmalıyım.

Notaları yanlış basıyorum çizgileri taşırıyorum ve kendimden uzaklaşıyorum ben ölmek için nefes alıyorum. Tamam biliyorum ölmeyi hak etmiyorum çünkü bu kurtuluşa layık falan değilim ama...

i’m not sure what to do with her. i am not sure. this in itself is not unusual, because the only emotion i’ve had stronger than my hatred for her is that time i loved her. and now there is to be peace. i guess. god, you know, like--unburden yourself already. there’ll be no peace until you do. until she does, i mean. until you do.

i’m not sure how important the past is. maybe there is just the present, because reality is not comprised of patterns, necessarily--there is no promise of repetition. so the past is the past and the now is now and now is everything and tomorrow is blazing and bright and unknowable. and you like this. you love it! i think i am going to sabotage my whole life. i think i am going to ruin everything.

there is a sleeping boy in this bed. his face is vulnerable when he sleeps. and i wonder what’s lurking at his core. vulnerability, i’m going to stress, is not softness, although it’s so raw it sometimes feels like it. vulnerability, i’m going to vow, is not for me. he is probably dreaming. he is probably dreaming.

there is this: me at the center of the universe. the core of the milky way, the center into which--from which???--its tendrils meander, is made of hurt. so this hurt little creature manages to hurt everyone she loves (and hates) and still feels like the victim. you hurt me first, you know? the great fallacy of i was hurt first.

Eleanor Calder | April 10, 2023

Meeting a fan at The Spaniards Inn, Eleanor was wearing this Alo sweatshirt, Gosha Rubchinskiy jacket, Lululemon leggings and UGG boots ⤵︎

Gosha Rubchinskiy Blue Washed Denim Jacket with Faux Shearling Collar

— SOLDOUT

Alo Alolux Cozy Hoodie in Black

— £110 / $98

LuluLemon Fast and Free High-Rise Tight 28”

— £108 / $128

UGG Neumel Platform Chelsea Boots

I have decided that the topic I have previously written about (The history of the cellphone) will be my topic. Specifically, I am interested in how the technology used in the evolution of the cellphone has effected other technologies, like computers and monitors and so on. I will start my research by looking at Wikipedia (the bottom of the article has wonderful sources), the Wayback machine (to hopefully find the original advertisements, tech review websites (to find the original reviews of older devices), and ProQuest and/or similar sites. I will be conducting a literature search.

I need to start doing my research, I should start on that soon (this afternoon, probably). It has not been very long since my last progress report. I am hoping do get started on my research, but it has only been a few days.