#4:31

Tonight’s not been one of those nights I’ll look back on and say I enjoyed. I’ve been reminded of a death I closed the door on because I was helpless when a person needed me, and slapped in the face with what I’ve lost through life. The other part, yeah well that’s for another story.

7 Years ago, during this month on the exact date of 6th February is when 15 year old me got lost and never found her way back to what emotions and feelings were. It’s when a few words squeezed my heart but made my mind say it wasn’t true. I lost the greatest friend I had ever had the privilege of knowing, and loving and that man was my grandfather. Being reminded of the most recent loss I’ve endured made me lay here in bed, and remind myself of the greatest loss I had to deal with. And in the same way, I closed the door on both because I couldn’t map out where my emotions were apart from anger and guilt.

I remember how at his funeral, I was alone. No one to hold me, no one to lean on when I felt every breath be taken away from me. I’d had experienced loss before, but not like this and I was still too young to understand what it all meant. But at 15 years of age, I didn’t have a soul to comfort me in the form of a friend or a family member. Instead at his funeral, I made the conscious choice to be the one who’d comfort the people mourning his death; my mother, my brother, aunts and uncles. I in that moment chose to always be the rock people needed, in a deal to lose out on understanding my own self and not grieve a loss but close a fucking invisible door to it. And even now at 4:21, I have no tears to shed even when my gut feels like it’s twisted over it all.

Looking back at my archive and seeing how far I’ve come, it amazes me and scares me.

I know I’m an emotional wreck from time to time, but honestly, I’ve never felt so  strong. To feel and actual see that God has really healed my heart in these last couple years, makes it unbelievable. 

No matter how much I feel lonely in my heart, the Lord finds his ways to fill it up, and right now, it’s overfilled with a whole bunch of things. 

Anyways, I guess I’m blogging this, because I say more typing than writing in my journal. But after going to confession Friday morning, I laughed at my penanced, that the father gave me, because of the irony. He told me to pray the rosary, and ask in my prayer, to Let Go. Being the name of my camp, i laughed at how funny God is. While I’m always overreacting over everything, allowing my past haunt me, getting into drama that I shouldn’t even be a part of, and of course the stress of work and school, has just put so much strain in my heart. I just want my heart to be content and steady. But I guess it was because it was hard for me to let go. 

But now, I feel ready. I feel that God is pushing towards my true heart’s desires. I feel that God is not letting me be scared and I feel God’s love through everyone’s support. I just found it funny, of how blind and stupid i’ve been. And i’m sure God is just as frustrated with me, but I think he knows I’m ready. It’s funny how I try so hard at Sac with these DBAGs, it’s funny how I’ve been throwing myself out there, and forcing myself to change, when honestly, I shouldn’t have been doing that. I was trying to force myself to fill this void in my heart, but in reality I was tainting it even more. But after everything that’s happened in the last couple weeks, I realized that, I’m done wasting my time. Wasting my time with temporary friendships, temporary feelings, temporary happiness, and temporary failure.