#3am rambles

Okay, so don't mind me because it's 3 am (it took me an hour to write this :D) where I live and I'm still emotional from rewatching Basically I'm Gay yesterday and then them posting the tree video on patreon.

I have been on tumblr since I was 12-years-old (early 2013) and at the time I was so into British bands and shows that now I have a permanent British accent that refuses to leave (I'm so for real about this, everyone that has heard me talk in English knows that I sound painfully British despite never setting foot in that bloody country, even after trying to perfect an American accent in my years living in Boston, it would keep sneaking on me so I just fucking gave up) which means that while I wasn't a phannie back then, I knew of them. People who weren't in that era of tumblr and DnP don't understand how inescapable they were. I even remember having a slight crush on Dan, but still not daring to get into them. Similarly to Dan, I was going through so much internalised homophobia during that time and seeing people speculate about Dan and Phil's sexuality back in the day was lowkey triggering to me. I was also a Directioner during those days and I still remember avoiding shippers like the plague for those very same reasons.

Despite those triggering moments, I still have to thank to tumblr and the queer friends I made here, for helping me heal. So by the time I was 17 (2017), I finally came out as bi to myself. However, that didn't change the fact that I was in a very homophobic environment which got worse when I had to move to Colorado with my uncle's family to finish high school. I knew it was fucking me up mentally, but I didn't know exactly how much until 2019.

And here's where Basically I'm Gay comes to play. At this point, I was no longer the kid obsessed with British media (at least not to the same extent) and was now in kpop tumblr, but I still remember how the website exploded that day. I wasn't a phannie, I had almost forgotten about my crush on Dan, so I genuinely don't remember why I decided to watch the video (it was probably my nosy Puerto Rican ass) but fuck am I glad I did. 2019 was the same year I realised I was transmasc at the very least (I felt like I was too feminine to claim I was a trans man). It was also the same year I was finally diagnosed with depression, for many reasons, but internalised transphobia and scared of how my mum would react played a great part to that. This all happened months before Dan's video (I was diagnosed in late April, and I finally came out to my mum in May, which thankfully went good). So when I watched that video I just felt so painfully seen. I still remember watching the video crawled in empty bath since it was the only truly private place I had in our old shitty apartment. I don't remember if I cried, but I do remember feeling understood. The bullying, the internalisation of that abuse, the fear of owning your own identity, even the fear of not feeling enough for the community. I can't give all the credit to Dan, but his video did play a part to me finally saying fuck it and explore my identity in whatever way I fucking wanted. I slowly stopped caring if I got confused with a lesbian or if people thought I was too feminine to use he/him pronouns.

It's lowkey surprising that I didn't become a phannie after that. But that doesn't mean I stopped checking on them. While I didn't watch more videos, I still remember at least once every year or two when someone mentioned them online and me checking how they were doing. I didn't even cared if they were actually a couple or not, I only cared if they were still living their best lives. Then the hard launch happened and despite at first not daring to watch it because it wasn't my business and I just cared that they were happy, I still did about a week later and I'm so fucking glad I did. Honestly, I feel like I was meant to get into their content and I just kept fighting it for stupid reasons for the last 12 years.

And now after 6 years and a half since that video came out, I finally rewatched it. It has been on my mind for the past years, but even more so in the past few months since I started to watch their old videos and finally call myself a phannie. I held back because I knew how much it meant to me and given this new perspective I had, I was afraid of crying like a loser. Thankfully, one of my best friends who is not a phannie, reminded me it wouldn't be so bad to cry over something that meant so much to me. So yesterday, I finally did. And fuck, can I say how fucking proud I am of Dan but also myself? Watching that video remind me how far we have both come in our different ways. How years ago he was still struggling to call himself gay and how I couldn't call myself a trans man without years of bullying coming to haunt me, to today where Dan has a podcast with his partner of 16 years talking mad gay shit and to me fully owning up being a trans man, finally finding my chosen name (not the one I use on tumblr, that's for anonimity) and starting T.

Seriously, this rant could go on for forever, but I'm going to start to cut it off here. I do want to add something about Phil before I do, though. While back then I didn't pay much attention to him (I apologise, I was a delusional teen who was lowkey jealous of him), seeing his old videos and his now has been a great comfort for me. Despite watching those old videos for the first time, I am filled with a hug of nostalgia whenever I do, but not the type where I romanticise the past. Instead, it's the type that makes me see the era in a different light and finally allow that 12-15 year old closeted me to be forgiven and fully heal. Oftentimes, we think of our teen years with shame, but there's something Phil's kindness throughout the years that reminds me how much old me needed that in his life.

It's late when writing and I haven't researched a lot so be mice

This concept for deltarune states that there are two story's occurring simultaneously in this world the prophecy and disconnected the horror of the player

In the prophecy it appeared that either the cage or the girl whomever that is ks the main character seeing as susie seems very main character and along with noelle is the only ones who can choose things it appears in this world with substantial consequences to an extent susie joining lancer and being generally fck the rules and noelles connection to game breaking with snowgrave and dragon blazers info on spamton sweepstakes therefore one of them possibly depending on rought is the protagonist of the prophecy probably

However we are not the protagonist of the prophecy as far as we can see of it as kris or the gonner from the beginning fits the description of a cage with human parts but it mentions not the caged from what I have seen meaning that there is a non zero chance that to the prophecy our choices as said before don't matter meaning we are not the protagonist of that tale

However we are a protagonist specifically of krises horror show of soul beating and yeating as is evident by everything especially with the snowgrave wrought making it noelles and krises horror nightmare but also showing our actions do have major consequences however how this changes the prophecy is unclear as from what I have seen no prophecy is disrupted by it in any way ralsei seems to still know what is able to happen we have not broken anything important to the ending possibly meaning that while susie who probably breaks the prophecy as quote " you where supposed to be wearing the bows" meaning that susie has broken some minor facet of the prophecy whereas we who may be a side character may only change the details normally

Thesis i think it's possible that we are a side character to the prophecy more than lancer even possibly

I need yall to hear this morning story

yesterday when I woke up to turn off my alarm I stepped wrong, twisted my ankle and almost fell face first on the floor, I started thinking about VOICE OF THE BROKEN- AND THEN FELL ASLEEP FOR THE NEXT 3 HOURS

okok another story, this one is a dream, I woke up and felt IMMEDIATE NEED to write it down, it was a quiz from TOBY FOX that I got while A GUY WAS CHASING ME TRYING TO KILL ME. This is what I wrote down as one of the questions from the quiz:

Lately I have been feeling nothing but numbness and depression, as though I am treading on thin ice, threatening to break it with every step I take.

It worsened when, at least some five months ago, the therapist I was seeing at the time for well over a year called my immediate family members for an update, thinking it would help, to discuss how I was dealing with suicidal thoughts and putting a deadline on the actions I would take because she thought it had gotten to a point of no return.

Her wording was harsh and made them worried, even if I am an adult, since telling anyone that a person you love wants to kill themselves is unpleasant. Needless to say, it didn't aid in any way, and ever since I have felt guilt for worrying those around me and for simultaneously not improving at all.

I try to laugh or get any other emotion out of me, I simply can't. Usually I escape from these thoughts with my fast paced life and whatnot during the day, however I have always struggled with sleep apnea and I am left alone to wonder at night trapped by my own brain. Honestly, I feel lost.

I have tried doing the same few things everyday to keep a safe routine and I hope that does something at least. For now I am (re)watching every Steve Buscemi film I can find because I love that man and I can just relax for some time, even crack a smile. I have something to look forward to and I am grateful for that.

Everyone please take care of yourselves, I truly mean it.

Something something ripping each others clothes off as soon as they're home and spending their afternoon off almost fully naked, trying to do housework and getting understandably distracted.

Fucking on every available surface, Richard chanting something along the lines of 'lay all your love on me'-

it could just be the non-neurotypical crowd i tend to hang out with, bc i cant really say i have enough neurotypical friends to get a good sample size, alas. but even if it is, it turns out it's very easy to spread things throughout a (neurodivergent) friend group or three just by adding something to your own lexicon and letting it loose. i say this as someone who deliberately added a word to my personal, regular vocabulary partially bc i thought it was funny, and primarily bc i wanted to see if it would spread to everyone else, between my irl friends and my dnd server friends and my other online friends. this was a test to see if i could replicate my accidental vocab infection of saying "riperooni" instead of "rip" when something mildly inconvenient happened in dnd vc. and guess what! i was able to replicate it! i've seen n heard several of my friends in several different groups using it since i started, compared to once in a blue moon usage before. i am the reason. i did this to them.