today is my birthday!

i turned 31 this morning at 8:20am.

according to tradition, i took that minute to screech as i am allowed my annual birthday screech during the minute i was born. i am very proud of the static noise i made that confused the absolute shit out of my coworkers.

when i got into work this morning, meredith surprised me with my starbucks order and a cake pop 🥹 she's such a sweetheart and she's so kind and fun and i just adore her. i want to keep her as my daughter. at the end of the shift, artemisa brought me a gift in the form of a fancy notebook and a bag of kit kats, without having the knowledge that i hoard notebooks AND that i love kit kats. the girl is psychic. she needs to give herself more credit.

i just adore the both of them. so much.

so many people wished me a happy birthday! it was so nice. i have also partly gotten past the hesitancy of telling people it's my birthday, so maybe next year i'll be able to tell people "hey! it's my birthday!" wouldn't that be fun??? it's kind of cool.

i like birthdays.

they're here to remind us of our humanity and our growth from day to day, month to month, year to year. 21-year-old me had no clue what this would feel like. had no idea what having my depression under control was like. had no idea that i had, never mind could be treated for, adhd. had no idea i was autistic. had no idea i wasn't a girl all the time. had no idea the depth of the trauma she had and had no idea the joy that comes with recovery. the pride that comes with overcoming issues inside despite external forces.

31-year-old me is far different. she knows what all of that is like. she knows what unconditional love actually is. she can stand up for herself and others. can make jokes and not be afraid to be herself. is comfortable being only autistic and not masking in places where she doesn't have to. is in a secure relationship with someone who loves her for who she is, not for what she can do for them. has friends who are the same. has another place to call "home" where she doesn't have to worry about "overstaying her welcome," as linda would put it. is happy to have a place where people like her. takes on responsibilities because she knows her limits. finished not one, not two, but three degrees. got a big girl job in the city that she loves. is working through trauma and mental blocks and works daily on getting through them. doesn't sleep enough, but is more excited to go to work than she ever has been before.

31-year-old me is happy.

and that's saying a lot.

when i started keeping track nine years ago (HOLY SHIT), i didn't know any of that. i didn't know what any of that felt like. but those of you who have been here or those who had read any of these posts know that the journey to get to this point has been riddled with pain and suffering. but every time something happens, i don't let it beat me. i keep getting up. i keep moving forward. i straighten my spine and stand up tall, and 8 keep going.

resiliency and confidence like that have been very hard lessons for me to learn. i've always been soft hearted. thin-skinned, too. a pushover. someone who was easy to take advantage of.

but now, if you ask my coworkers and my bosses, you'll see a portrait of a very different person who is confident and competent in everything she does. i stand up for what i need and what others need. i have gotten better at thinking on my feet and rapidly synthesizing solutions. it's good for my job. but it's good for my mental health, too.

as i make my way another year into my fourth decade here on this planet that is catching on fire, i can be confident knowing that i'll be even more different in another ten years, so much so that despite looking the same since i was 14, i will be a much different person.

and yes, i have looked the same since i was 14, except for changes in hair and glasses. face shape, smile, crinkles, details, all of them. copy and paste.

(no wonder i get asked if i'm old enough to drink all the time.)

anyway, i'm happy. it's been a good day. i love my coworkers. i love joel's friend. i love joel's family. and i love joel so much. i love my friends, and i'm grateful for those who have helped me find community here.

i managed to avoid an anxiety attack today by being sassy. our supervisor sent a teams message to the three of us on shift saying that the link he was sending us was a new requirement but that if anyone scored higher than he did they'd be fired.

it was an IQ test.

editing to add that this was all in jest; our supervisor is a funny guy and i'm confident he was laughing as he sent it. there was no real requirement, he's just silly.

i was like "can i not" and "nah" and when asked why instead of saying "it's a major trigger so please don't push about it" i said "then i'd get fired" without even knowing the score he got lmao

"damn here i was thinking you'd be embarrassed for scoring low but you were just trash talking"

"me score low on an IQ test? never"

and then i hit em with:

"we're gonna ignore that i have a score from an actual doctor which i'm decidedly not going to share BUT i just wanted to let you know i'm like this intentionally"

badda bing, badda boom

and just like that, the conversation was over.

i succeeded. but it put me on edge all day. tons of anxious energy kept me making noises and moving all day and it was so annoying. this is why we don't do this, buddy. no.

anyway, today was pretty quiet.

i ended up not having a real lunch for some reason but i DID end up texting both lisa and joel if they were going to be home tonight, and the answer for both of them was no.

so instead of planning for dinner with them, i asked john when i got back if he had eaten dinner. he hadn't, but he was planning on eating a pizza that had been in the oven for a long time, so he went to check on it. and.

it's black. charred. i couldn't recognize the toppings on it.

i said "well it's good i was planning on ordering indian food," so that's what we did.

i watched some episodes of my hero academia while i was waiting and then when i was eating. usually when i go to this place they don't add enough spice because they figure since i'm white i can't handle spicy. but this time they just made it to order and it was PERFECT. it was ACTUAL spice in it and i was so happy to get the flavor and the heat, instead of just the flavor. i'll have to order indian food over doordash more often, even though it's full price. at least the spice level is right.

i stayed home again.

tomorrow i can stay home and not work. i'm happy about that.

i'm a walking furnace. i have this fleece bathrobe that i can't wear for more than 10-20 minutes at a time.

i was wearing a sweatshirt, leggings, socks, AND the bathrobe, AND i was eating hot soup. and i was comfortable.

that's when you know something is wrong.

i went to the doctor today. she said i have sinusitis, aka a sinus infection. technically it's sinus inflammation, but an infection will cause it. so. sinus infection.

i told joel and lisa and everyone else about my con plague. thankfully it's not real plague. that's all i can be thankful for about now.

my poor new friend sam didn't escape it, either. i definitely gave it to him as we talked for a few hours on saturday night. so while we commiserated we shared pictures of our pets. simon is so photogenic.

today was less world-fally-aparty than yesterday was. and thank fuck. because i was NOT about to do that again.

meredith and i ended up making more snowflakes to put on the windows.

our favorite supervisor brought us more paper, too.

today during the day i ordered food and cookies, but the cookies got here first. insomnia cookies has gluten free ones, so i got a bunch for meredith because she deserves good things. i was craving chocolate. win-win.

but the buffoon who was supposed to bring my chinese food to me parked in a lot not meant for the public, walked half a mile, went to three wrong places, and left my food outside because he didn't pay attention to the instructions i gave.

i gave the same instructions to both the cookie delivery guy and the food delivery guy. only one read the directions i gave. it wasn't the one who brought my lunch.

eh. i got my food eventually. it was still relatively warm. it was fine.

after work, i stopped at home depot for a few things, and upon my return to joel's, lisa and john had gone out and gotten pressed cafe food. we got back about the same time.

good lord today was chaos.

you'd expect it to be quiet, right?

only in the US. and even then, we dealt with two mass shooting claims, both of which were false.

however, that didn't stop dublin from going to absolute shite. stabbings and hospitalized children to a riot in the same place a few hours later, it's been quite a day.

and in the time between fissures in our sanity, meredith and i made paper snowflakes. we put them up on the windows. we'll make more tomorrow.

i made it back to joel's exhausted but in record time - when everybody is heading back home to their apartments in boston, heading out of the city is pretty damn calm. it was nice. i was home in 45 minutes.

and then i sat down and dissociated for a bit. lisa heated me up some dinner in the oven - whoever decided to put things in the oven to heat them is a fucking genius - and i was so happy to eat hot food that was a real thanksgiving meal because the food the company gave us we ate cold and it wasn't great.

i think my favorite part of today is going to bed. partly it's because i'm fucking exhausted but most of it is because i have joel by my side.

two more things from work today:

1. i went through all the characters for hiragana and i know all of them! next is katakana and that will be fun.

and

2. if you want delicious hot chocolate and have milk, a microwave, and a toblerone, heat up about 8 or 10 ounces of milk and melt the entire toblerone bar into it. it's fucking amazing.

today was a BEAUTIFUL day. cold, rainy, with four inches of snow on the ground when i woke up. just beautiful. my favorite kind of weather.

got to work and got my usual parking spot right by the door on the first level of the garage. loved that.

and then at work we had a new guy shadowing and we had the explosion on the rainbow bridge to handle and then an elevator entrapment to deal with, so it was a pretty busy afternoon.

i was, however, able to stitch the remaining four stockings during my shift. i think i cut the time down to like, half an hour or something, because i wasn't working for more than half of my shift on them.

we were really busy today.

we went out a few times and went to the grocery store and ocean state and kfksjdhkrnfkwns and it was a lot and i'm so glad it's sleep time because i'm fucking exhausted.

also?? i got paid early. like today, instead of tomorrow. which is nice! but i can't pay my bills quite yet. student loan payment is next.

but at the end of the day, mom and i sat down again and stitched more stockings together. i intend to finish them this week at work. and then comes decorating for christmas after eating thanksgiving dinner. which i'm VERY excited for. i gotta find my ikea bag so i can bring in everything in one go.

also it's snowing. i'm very happy.

and i'm so excited to see joel. gotta tell him i got a new set of sheets for our bigger bed, which was thankfully only $25 because it's scratchier than most people want but if it's not 300 thread count or less i can't handle it.

love my scratchy sheets. i need them to sleep.

bed comes in next week, i think. all of the gifts i got come in on saturday.

today was a good day! mom and i spent most of it crafting. i wanted to make stockings for the idiot squad. success! all of the fronts are done but now i have to stitch the fronts to the backs.

it's a cute project.

anyway, i'm fuckin beat.

tomorrow is not crafts but it is a lot of thanksgiving stuff.