#31in31

Vampires v. The Bronx

Directed by Oz Rodriguez

Released 2020

Vampires v. The Bronx works well on two levels, both as a kids rule feel-good movie and as an allegory for gentrification.  We recommend this family friendly Netflix original!

We rate Vampires v. The Bronx 3 bodegas out of 4.

Candyman 

Directed by Bernard Rose

Released 1992

Candyman has always been known to me as the movie that scared one of my brothers so bad that he had to sleep in the hallway outside his college roommates door in the house that they shared because he didn’t want to be alone.  

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, Mike, which brother was this?”  I don’t want to throw anyone under the bus and I will always be completely honest with you, dear reader, when it comes to my opinions of these movies.  I still feel obligated to protect this brother from any justifiable embarrassment he may feel, or completely understandable ribbing he may get for being that scared over an early 90′s mid-card slasher flick while on a date with a girl he was trying to impress. That said, I only have 2 brothers, so you got a 50/50 shot and, quite honestly, if you know them you’ll easily be able to decipher which one can’t handle his scares.  

I never saw this movie because on paper I didn’t think it sounded particularly interesting. It seemed to just steal from the Bloody Mary urban legend, it didn’t have anyone I was familiar with, and outside of my brother, I didn’t know anyone who’d seen it (or if they had they certainly hadn’t recommended it). 

After watching it I will admit I was pleasantly surprised. For starters, Virginia Madson is an easy 10. How did I not know this? I was rocked to the core and a little disappointed in my 12-year-old self for not knowing this at the time.  She plays University of Illinois graduate student Helen Lyle who, along with her friend, is conducting research into urban legends. She stumbles across stories of a mythical serial killer named Candyman who has been tormenting Chicago’s infamous Cabrini-Green housing projects. What should terrify Madson actually fascinates her and her quest to uncover this legend leads her to become the object of Candyman’s desire. 

A little backstory on Candyman - he was the son of a slave who became rich and accepted in polite society. Candyman was well educated and a talented artist who did portraits of fellow elites. He eventually fell in love with the daughter of a well-off white landowner. The affair led to her becoming pregnant and her father hired men to cut off his hand. The lynch mob then smeared his body with honey and covered him in bees. Not since My Girl have we witnessed death by bees quite like this.  The mob then burned Candyman and scattered his ashes all over Cabrini-Green.

I can’t help but feel this movie is kinda racist and probably would not be made the same way today. Candyman is ultimately a tragic figure, but the audience is never made to feel that way.  The poor guy fell in love with a white woman and was tortured and murdered for it - of course he is pissed off in the afterlife!! Looking at it through the lens of a 2019 audience, I see a “boogieman” who is black, dressed 100% like a pimp, and hunting a white woman. 

Candyman, like all undead stalkers, is a spirit of vengeance and quite honestly, I don’t blame him. 

We rate Candyman 13 Snickers bars out of 17.

Verónica

Directed by Paco Plaza

Released 2017

Here we have it, another Ouija board-centered movie. I swear this wasn’t intentional. It’s almost as if something else is pushing us to watch these types of movies this year…

Written and directed by Paco Plaza of Rec fame, Veronica is based on the “true” paranormal events of Estefanía Gutiérrez Lázaro and her family. Set in Madrid in 1991, this is a story about Veronica, a dutiful, responsible teenager taking care of her younger siblings while her widowed mother works long hours tending a local bar. This makes Veronica as ripe as anyone for possession. Verónica decides to play Ouija with her friends Rosa and Diana in an attempt to contact her recently deceased father....

...Whoa whoa whoa, Mike. Check your notes again, I think you have them mixed up with Ouija: Origin of Evil. That’s the exact same setup...

Wow, dear reader, first of all I’m relieved you’re actually reading my posts this year. It really makes the time I spend bloviating about these movies and sometimes semi-related topics all worth it. Second, EVERY movie about a Ouija board is going to involve teenage girls and their friends. They’re the only ones with enough neurotic energy to unknowingly push the little triangle around, and gullible enough to believe it’s not the other person(s) doing it. I remember one time when my buddy Dan and I were hanging out during summer break. We were probably 13-14 years old at the time. Our friend Rob brings over a Ouija board. I have no idea where he got it because he only had an older brother. Anyways, we bust it out and even at that age we’re laughing at the idea that somehow the toy company Hasbro has channeled the afterlife and is now marketing this portal to children. As we’re getting ready to play my dad walks in and becomes visibly nervous, commenting that he doesn’t think it is a good idea to be meddling with these things. He then insists that he and I go first and that both of us do the sign of the cross before laying our hands on the board. We proceeded to awkwardly sit there, hands on the little triangle, while my dad asks the air if anyone is there. After a couple minutes of nothing happening, he gets up and says, “The sign of the cross must have warded everything off”.  Yup… that’s what happened. 

Maybe our mistake was not taking advantage of a total solar eclipse. Veronica & Co. knew about the power of the solar eclipse but they didn’t know what they were getting into.  When the total eclipse hits, the board breaks and Veronica immediately bends backward, convulses, opens her mouth and all sorts of black demon juice goes pouring in. Her friends run off to maybe get help and then ghost her for the remainder of the movie. Again, a total teenage girl move. Verónica returns home and starts to feel a strange presence inside the house. This quickly escalates into physical attacks against her and her younger siblings. With nowhere else to turn, Veronica seeks the advice of one of the school nuns (pictured), Sister Death. She is Veronica's version of the Cigarette Man from the X-Files. Sister Death seems to know everything about the spirits that stalk Veronica and how to get rid of them, but instead of telling her how she just gives Veronica some cryptic advice.

I don't need to rehash the whole plot.  It is definitely worth a watch and if you already have couple possession films under your belt then you know what you are getting yourself into.  Overall, I think the movie works well because of Veronica’s relationship with her siblings. It feels very natural and you believe it. It makes her psychological decline and the concern for the safety of the children she is responsible for that much more traumatic when it goes south, and boy oh boy does it go south.   

We rate Veronica 24 creepy nuns out of 25.

I’d like to say I’m posting this because I’m outrageously lazy, and don’t feel like reviewing anything on this High Holy Day of Halloween. And while that’s partly true? The fact is that this is an absolutely incredible series of stories. ABSTRACT is a YouTube channel that describes itself as “just a gal who likes telling you stories from our strange world.” And these three stories pack a wallop.…

“I’ve got the best news! Sally just came out!” Story: Two sisters grow up in a perfect life, with loving aunts and literal magic. But when they get older, they realize the family curse is no joke. But what’s a little curse if you’ve got magic? Well… Scares: A few chilling moments. Splat Factor: A dead body. Some SA that gets lightly bloody. Subgenre: Magical Mayhem Year Released: 1998 Remake,…

“WHO’S SMILING NOW, YOU INFERNAL SON OF A WHOOOOOORE???” [God I love Adam Scott.] Story: Twin boys, Bill and Hal, find out that their deadbeat dad has a closet full of “weird stuff” he picked up on his travels. Their mom says it’ll be theirs one day…but they can’t wait. So naturally, they pick a weird monkey toy to check out. They wind it up, and it works, kinda. But when their babysitter is…

“Don’t worry about the reason behind all this, what’s important is a solution!” Story: When the head of Wani Waras herbal treatments tries their new elixir on himself, it works. He’s younger! But those side effects will kill you. You, and anyone unlucky to be in biting distance. But good news – you won’t be down for long. You won’t be alive anymore, but you won’t be down. Success! Now, to let his…