#3030s

every thanksgiving for the last twelve years, i've had a panic attack.

i did not have one today.

i didn't force myself to do things i was too overwhelmed for when there were people around. i cut off some stimulation when i felt one was coming on. and then i was snapped out of it because i was asked to read a book to the family. doing that puts me in a different headspace than what i usually am in at family occasions like this, it's more of like a work mode than anything. it was a nice change of pace.

and i was actually able to enjoy my food this year.

of course, every year it ends up being my job to clean up the table and put things away and do the dishes before the end of the night, but this time my papa was asked to do so.

he has bad legs and has been having problems managing his pain lately, so i told him to go sit and i was able to take over for him. i put away the food, i cleaned the dishes, i ran the dishwasher twice and hand washed everything else, i took out the trash, i cleaned off the table, i put the aprons and the table covers onto the washing machine, i swept the floor, i scrubbed the counters, i hand washed and dried the silver, and i put away everything that i could and organized the things i couldn't put away.

i was cleaning for four hours.

but the kitchen is spotless. it doesn't look like it's been in use since before 6 this morning, and it certainly doesn't look like it's been the center of cooking and baking for almost a week. there's no external evidence of a 35-pound turkey or 15 pounds of potatoes or 10 pounds of green beans or three pies and two cakes or 12 people. no evidence except for stacks of clean dishes that are waiting for their companions to be put away.

the one bad thing is that i had to take my brace off. i don't like doing that a lot. i like to take the brace off for a minute or two to let it breathe, and i often get barked at by my mother about taking off my brace too much, but not a single goddamn thing is said when i take it off for hours and do lots of manual labor. nothing. silence. it's like she expects me to only be disabled when it's convenient for her and to not be disabled when she needs help.

but also, my poor dad was going to suffer because of her inconsideration, so i bit the bullet and let my papa take a break. he watched the football game.

someday i hope my kids are kind to me when i'm old and in pain.

anyway, the day was long but it was fine. ultimately, i was okay. the exhaustion is real, though, which is expected. i'm excited to pass out.

god i'm tired.

i didn't take a nap today! and i didn't get a ton of sleep last night, either. but i made it through the day conscious and i even got to see and spend time with joel.

also.

i told my mom today that i'm autistic.

after the "no you're not" "no, you're not!" and the "who said you were?!" commentary, i showed her a picture of allistic and autistic synapses and something must've clicked for her. because after she spent some time in the drug store looking for mucinex, she came out with stuff and asked me how to phrase a three-part instruction so it would make sense to me and not make her angry.

which, yknow.

is a big deal for linda.

so i was pretty impressed.

and then i got the opportunity to show her exactly how my brain works in action at the craft store. she was freaking out over something but i said "i got this" and i took over and solved the problem eloquently. so having first-hand examples of it are helpful for her because she can't picture things in her head. i didn't really imagine that it could've affected her thought processes.

it was sparked because she said something in the line at starbucks about me running over to rite aid to grab the mucinex and i said "can we at least pick up the starbucks first?" and she said, "well yeah, i didn't expect you to jump out of the car and go over now" to which i replied, "that's what it sounded like." she said "dad would say that too," and i was like it's now or never babey so i settled for now and i'm honestly really surprised. so that's good.

this is the same woman who asked me yesterday why i couldn't help her if i could lay down and read. she is wildly off the mark on some things but somehow gets close to others? on this one at least, she gets this:

yeah.

also i went to see wakanda forever tonight and it was really really good! the good news is i only cried for like a sixth of the movie. the bad news is that still equates to about half an hour.

but it was good. it felt like it kinda dragged in a few places, but grief tends to be like that.

two of its major themes are grief and loss, so it may be acutely painful for those who have lost a loved one recently. it was hard for me.

but it's good. it's like. it's really good.

we went to the museum of science today!

it was lots of fun.

we got breakfast in town before leaving, and we made it down around 1 and parked there. we made it through only about a quarter of the museum in the time we were there, but we also caught a planetarium show and went to the gift shop before it closed.

after that, we went to get food, and we found a pub relatively close by that had parking near it, so we parked and got food that was surprisingly delicious. i'm definitely gonna go back to visit just so i can go there.

we also braved the one-way residential streets of the north end so i could get some pastries from bova's.

after that last stop, we brought james's mum to the airport. her flight back to england left about an hour ago.

we got back around 8:30, i think, and i immediately came upstairs. i'm honestly really tired and i'm glad we didn't end up taking the T all over. it was raining and dark by the time we got out of the museum, so driving, while annoying, was a better choice anyway.

parking was expensive as fuck, though. which next to the buffoonery from drivers is why i don't drive in boston. it's safer to take the T.

also joel messaged me today while we were down and he asked me how the museum was and if i was having fun.

a good thing i can say is that my mom finally understands that if i say i'm tired, it means that i'm tired and i need sleep.

makes sensory overload worse and far easier than normal.

i don't sleep well, and i got less than four hours of sleep last night, so that would've sucked if i stayed awake all day. but i didn't - after getting up, going to two grocery stores, getting joel to open a lockbox that wasn't actually locked but was stuck, and a bunch of other things, i said "i'm exhausted and i didn't get a lot of sleep," and mom said "can you chop celery and then take a nap for an hour, and then do something else and nap again?" and i said "it's better if i nap all at once." and she walked away, i set my alarm for 3:30, and i got to sleep.

when i woke up, i felt much better and there weren't so many noises as there had been three hours earlier, which was part of why i needed to be away from everything.

but i got up and helped. i chopped celery and washed dishes and cooked and cleaned and assembled and organized and cleaned and washed and a million other things, almost all of which i had my brace off for, because i didn't want to get it wet and i needed my hand for it. it ended up hurting a bunch, so i put it back on for a couple hours and took advil again for it, it then i had to take it back off again to finish making the deviled eggs and to wash the sock inside it.

but that takes me to just past midnight, minus a few details like picking up a magazine because it's all about space stuff and welcoming james's mom and helping her set up her space and doing math for how long the turkey should roast. but i got to see joel today. and i wish i could go see him and his family tomorrow. but can't drive. so, sad. :c

but i'll see them for christmas, so that's not bad at all.

also i was so busy today that i had notifications from 9am unread until i got into bed.

yikes.

good god my hand hurts.

my everything hurts. but the good news is the bone in my hand is more or less back together. if i poke it, it doesn't act or hurt like it's broken. sure it's tender there, but it's still healing, of course it still hurts. so back on with the brace and still no using it until next tuesday's appointment.

i washed my laundry today. it was much needed.

i realized that just wearing a sweatshirt probably won't cut it for most of the winter. i need to figure out what i can do to avoid that.

i mostly did things at home today. we pulled up the christmas boxes and started decorating today too, but christmas music wasn't playing so it was mostly okay. i'm grateful for the one station here that doesn't play christmas music yet. i owe them my life.

we put up the tree, the new window candles, and the wreaths inside. we moved the living room back together, and planned out how things will be arranged for the christmas party which is rapidly approaching. i have too much to do before that happens.

i have to call the doctor tomorrow to reschedule an appointment i have this week.

i also had class this evening - we talked about what our sections have in them to the head of the company, and i also ended up sending my professor and update email about my hand and stuff.

i also grossly overestimated how much strength and function i'd have left in my fingers after the brace time was up. as it stands, i can barely move my pinky (which makes sense) and my ring finger hurts like hell and gets in the way too much when typing for it to be useful. so i am going to struggle, likely, with writing my essays on my phone. a deadline is a deadline, and i gotta get it done soon. like, tomorrow. so i'm hoping to get a bunch done tomorrow, if not all of it. i think i'll need to find my battery pack so i can keep typing throughout the day. and if i can get my bluetooth headphones charged,'i'll use those and the cable charger to deal with things.

but i need time to myself first. so i'm hoping to get some of that tomorrow, but it's not seeming likely.

and in the meantime, i overdrew my bank account because a charge took a month to go through one account that i used yesterday, and im Displeased. so im also waiting for my refund to come in from the school, so i'm not a sitting duck when it comes to paying my bills this month.

im such a mess.

today i slept in and did basically nothing. i went out with my mom for a bit and we came back and watched tv and had dinner eventually and around quarter past 8 i came up to bed.

hopefully, to my knowledge, i may see joel on monday or tuesday. this is something about which i am very excited. i need to actually get some shit done, but my existence is never so simple, i guess. because even with a broken hand, my time is still monopolized by my mom, regardless of the fact i have work to do. like for real???? why.

smh.

i have so much i need to do but i am having a hard time with any of it because i've been really bad at keeping up with my meds and i've been getting bad sleep and i can't write and it's hard to type but i feel like im going to go batshit if i can't do anything that i need to do soon, like write papers or apply for jobs or something. debts are coming due soon, and i can't afford to not have a job to pay for those.

mdjsjfodj.

i'm tired. i woke up and my eyes hurt. my whole body has been hurting all day.

mom and i went to lunch not long after i got up. everyone else was already gone.

we came back and dad was working on fixing an old computer in the living room. eventually mom and i went upstairs and took naps.

i woke up around 8pm.

i had a bunch of random crap food and then a big bowl of green beans.

about half past midnight i came upstairs.

i'm so exhausted all the time. i wish i could be not exhausted. that would be nice.

i ordered some stickers from redbubble a few days ago and they came in today! two of them were badly printed, but the rest are wonderful and i love them. i'm very excited to put them places.

today was a lot. i waited for a call from the health insurance department at the school and never got one, so i was awake at 8 for no good reason. i got up and showered and went out with mom to look for things and get a few things, and we stopped at starbucks before making it back home.

aunt wendy had arrived already and we were still waiting for the guy to come and frame in a new door set inside the extension, but we've been waiting for him for a week now, so we were disappointed he still wasn't there. but we took aunt wendy and we went to wilton for lunch and to pick up chocolate turkeys for the table, and we went to order flowers for the table, too. and when we got back the door guy was finally here! hooray!

he was working on stuff all day, until about 5pm. he's coming back tomorrow to finish up.

in the meantime, i wanted to work on school things, but i was once again caught up in thanksgiving preparations, like setting the table and figuring out what food goes in what dish. the usual. at least we were able to get that sorted out.

the rest of the day is kind of a blur, but i've been helping and eating bad food and having a bad time but still being okay without having done any schoolwork today, which isn't ideal. but i cut out some stickers and put them on my laptop, and i took pictures of others and submitted a request to get the bad ones reprinted, which they got on really quickly.

around 4 or so, a lady came over who usually works with the guy who's framing the doors in, who cleans up once he's done. mom asked her to clean parts of the house, and she worked all evening, until 10pm, to get them done. she's a wizard. the house looks wonderful, and i didn't have to do it. that was nice.

anyway, tomorrow's plans include getting up early again and not doing anything i want to until i can go see joel around 10 or something to pick up some needles and have him undo a lockbox we have that doesn't have a key anymore. i have yet to hear back from him.

it's fine.