#300421

Louis performing 'Back To You' at iHeartVillage in 2017! - 30.4.2021

Germany’s group H for the WWC 2023 qualification:

Germany

Portugal

Serbia

Israel

Turkey

I sent her that email with some explanation about the past month. So, we basically talked about (most of the) things that i wrote in there.

We started by talking about home: the fights and the moving out. Or well, not moving out. Ti would really want me to move out, bc it's a very toxic relationship or sth and pretty bad for me apparently. Yeah well, too bad, it's not happening anymore. Although i actually think she tried to change my thinking about moving out by explaining certain behaviors at home, but i talk about it later in this post.

We talked about my work. Bc i now have 2 jobs where i can start working full-time. And i have to make choices. And i'm freaking out bc of it. She gave some insights, and i still gave myself a week to decide. I just really don't like letting people down.. And i'm just really scared to make the wrong choice...

Ofccc she asked about my eating. When i told her that i didn't eat or only ate 1 thing when i was home alone last week, she suddenly had mixed feelings about me moving out and living alone. She thinks it's dangerous to live alone with this behavior. Sooo, she wants to check my eating or sth and keep an eye on it (she got a very un-enthusiastic response back from me, lol). Which i kiiinda understand from her point of view. But i still think it's fineee and no problem. She gave me a lecture about getting depressed when being malnourished. But tbh, i don't think i could feel any worse than i do now...

And sporting. I swear, it was an entire confession last friday. She kneww i had to confess, and i knew i had to, but only did like half of it. Sooo, she didn't believe shit from what i told her: sporting being better and stuff. But yeah idk. Stay critical Ti, stay critical, it may be good. I know i minimize things, she sometimes starts to know as well. That's good actually.

We discussed how i handle frustrations. At some point she said: ''you never learned how to talk, did you?''. And she's so damn right. I never did.

The last 15 minutes or so, we talked about passive aggressive behavior. Which is really toxic or sth apparently. She basically explained a lot and gave a lottt of examples. I wish she didn't, bc i recognized like 95% of them. Ti thinks my mom did that a lot to me. It's ''passive, but very aggressive'', according to her. Very very toxic according to Ti, but she doesn't think my mom knows she does that. *That* apparently makes me doubt myself in the end. And yes i recognize what she said, and yes i doubt myself literally all the time, but no it's not possible. My mom didn't do that. I am just difficult to deal with. And that's that.

Everything flowed kinda into each other, so it actually was a nice conversation. We covered quite a lot of stuff, i just feel like it were the wrong things? I just had this weird feeling afterwards bc we didn't discuss what i think was the most important thing... Panic attacks and being (dangerously) suicidal... I think that's just kinda more important than the things we talked about now? Bc it's kinda critical or sth?

Which is why..... I'm probably gonna send her another email later today. A few thoughts about last time, more detailed about the panic attacks, physical consequences, last summer (alcohol), suicide. And i'd tell her in there that i always minimize things when i talk to her, but that my emails are truth. And that i need to go and see her quicker... Bc i now have to wait for 3 weeks again, and i can't keep on doing these long periods of time in between sessions. It's just difficult to send, bc it's really fucking concrete and it's scary to open up like that and i don't want to scare her away. But i somehow also knowww that this will be the only option if i want her to know how bad it is... So, yeah, that's where i currently am and why i'm currently struggling...