S was gunna spend the night, but my parents changed their mind or some shit.
That made me mad, and I don't handle anger well. I just sorta turned it inward. I had a strong urge to self harm. I faught it for a while, but then I didn't think I could, so I called S as a distraction for a bit. I fought with it for a while, but I ended up giving into my urge to self harm. Physically, I'm fine. It's not deep.
S was gunna come over for a bit. We were gunna go out for dinner, so that I didn't have to be around my family. Whatever. I hadn't told him yet that I gave into the urge.
Then like 15min after he said he was on his way, he asked me if I was gunna be mopey cos if so he was gunna turn around and go home. Which was???? wtf??? so I was like well um yeah I'm upset. And stuff was said. He said he normally could deal with my problems on top of his own, but today he was too frustrated with other stuff.
I am so overwhelmed with emotions right now, and I feel helpless. I'm mad at my parents, and I'm frustrated S isn't coming over. I'm hurt. I'm full of shame. And idk what to do with all of this. it's just so much. it's too much. I can't deal. and I def have urges to hurt myself more.
