#3.30.20

a blend of memory issues is anything but something i’m grateful to have i can remember facts and numbers and the way something feels inside but i cant remember your face or what we had for dinner last night every time i lay down to sleep, our bodies parallel and the warmth from our blood combining into one comforting thought, i make an effort not to remember the way you feel. it feels sweet, it feels nice, it feels like love. i will not remember your hands or your back or your breath on my neck. i will not remember the sounds you make in your sleep, if any. i will not remember the exact curve of your chest or if it fits perfectly against my back. i do not need to, i feel sweet, i can fall asleep. flash, back and forth. was that today? was that just happening? was that months ago? years now? only an hour? some questions used to sound out and echo back and drive me mad, now it’s quiet, now i don’t mind to not mind and for your mind to be at ease are very different things. it may have been months ago, but despite all my efforts you were just here. in the mornings i wake up alone. i’d like to wipe the sleep out of my eyes but when i see the sun i’m already crying out. i don’t want to feel the tears on my face, the ache throughout my body, your skin on my hands, your kiss on my shoulder. i am still alone. i’ll only hear your voice when i replay the way you called for me in my head, i’ll only see your face if i break my bones with pictures of us, i’ve been spared with forgetting your taste, i’ll feel you every morning when my night terrors turn to light, and if i ever turn my head just right i can smell you in the air with me anywhere i go i’ve got trivia on my hand, but only my own feelings in my head. have you accused me of stupidity before? nevermind that, i thought you’d be nicer than this. if you’re going to leave me could you take your fucking cologne with you?

i just BINGED sugar cookies all day , im gonna gain at least a pound

i just shoved my face with homemade sugar cookies