#3.12.18

Glückskatzen auf der Fensterbank wackeln mit dem falschen Arm

der große grüne Vorhang rafft die schweren Falten hinterrücks zu einem Vorwand zusammen

ein Vordach bei der Veranda beschattet die Fortsetzung der Nachbarschaft mit anderen Mitteln

ein Zaunpfahl winkt mit bösem Grinsen zur Grundstücksgrenze hin

nichtsahnende wirft sie aus dem alltag zu boden und schleudert ihnen ohnmacht entgegen

Earlier after I posted, I quickly spiraled into shame, which got significantly worse after eating. As I ate, I started dissociating. In the car on the way back to my house, I tried to ground myself, but to little to no success. When we got back to my house and went upstairs to my room, I grabbed a big fuzzy blanket and wrapped myself in it and laid face into my bed and started sobbing. I was so full of shame. I don't even know exactly why, but S just wrapped himself around me. At first he kept asking why I was crying. And eventually I managed to mumble that I hated myself or something like that, and he managed to get himself under the blanket with me and just laid next to me, one arm wrapped around me, one hand against my face. His presence was really soothing then. I was a wreck, just sobbing, but I started catching my breath, and I just started talking. I'm not sure all that I said, but I was talking about how I was struggling but not struggling enough that I was doing bad and how I've been doing so much worse before so I didn't know what to make of it. IDEK I said alot, and I was quite upset. He was very sweet. He didn't say a ton, but I could tell he cared alot, as he was holding me and stoking my face or hair and making eye contact the entire time. I do remember, at one point he said to me "Molly, you're allowed to feel things."