There was some love for Head Music-era songs last night and I videoed this one. I've liked this song but didn't think much of it. Last night, hearing the lyrics so clearly, I was really moved at its sense of loss and loneliness - definitely big feelings I can relate to as of late. Lyrics that rang out like, "Tears on a pillow, eyes on the phone / you pour all the love that you keep inside into a song.." really hit me.  

A beautiful moment I captured here. I don't know if 'Blinded' is a new song that's not been recorded yet, or if it's been recorded as part of 'The Blue Hour' sessions and could technically be described as a 'b-side'. I've not seen available anywhere. I'm so glad Brett sang this to us as it was on a set list in Manchester and he didn't. We get these sort of rare gems and previews in Suede's own shows - how precious they are. 

Date : 28 April 2019

Duration : 31 minutes at bedtime.

Depth :

This time it was Tibetan singing bowls. A recording of chiming bowls played in my ears while I meditated last night. I have got to stop this with immediate effect. ‘Can’t afford to depend on a device to cut myself off from my environment. This surely is some kind of substance abuse ! Paramhansa Yogananda wants us to use our will to interiorise our minds.

The will got to be such that one can calmly dive so deep in meditation that the senses get cut off. The meditation muscle got to be strong enough to induce a state of deep sleep at will. I am getting there. However, dependency on a device isn’t the manner in which one cuts off the sense of sound. Since I put the volume at high, the mental chant had to be uttered mentally, louder than the volume on my phone !

By the time I finished, I had added a mental pitch to the meditation technique. My mind was uttering the chant rather loudly in my head, prior to sleep. Fortunately, the depth of quality of this session was reasonably good. There were suspended breaths, suspended for long.

It's 11:15pm.

I'm currently sat against a gate on some tiny road somewhere. Everything went to shit and I walked out.

B came up at about 8:15 saying for me to come down for dinner and she'd heat it up for me. I said I was still in bed, she said she'd bring it up, I said no, she offered takeaway, I said I don't know, she said text her if I decide, and left.

At 8:35 I texted her (after working out with M that I'd quite like Chinese and working out what to say) saying I needed to eat but didn't know what. She didn't reply until 9:30. She said she'd get pizza, but I didn't want pizza. I had it on Friday. I said sorry no, and that I'd be fine. She asked what chinese I like but I was beyond answering. I was too stressed. She sent a member of staff to ask (I recognised his voice, but I don't know his name. All I know is that he's short), but I said I didn't want anything. It was all too much when I had spent the day in bed and seen a person in real life for less than 5 minutes total in the whole day.

I was really upset because it had taken a lot for me to text B, and then she'd just been worse than useless. You'd think after her talk on Thursday, and explicitly telling me to text her, she might bother to reply. Then when she did she just asked questions I couldn't deal with.

Then at 9:40 she came back to my room with a grated cheese sandwich. It sounds stupid but that just pushed me too far. I haven't eaten a sandwich since I've been here, or for months beforehand. I had a chip roll at some point in memory, but that's it (actually, I've just remembered when I last had a sandwich- when my mum was away I had chilli dorito sandwiches). I don't really do sandwiches. Some supermarket ones I'll eat, but very rarely. I don't remember the last time I ate a cheese sandwich. It will have been years ago. I don't like them. The textures are weird, and just no. If my mum ever gave me them for school lunches or whatever, I'd eat the cheese first then the bread. The bread would taste of cheese which wasn't great, but it would be slices of cheese that were easy to remove. B had to make one with grated cheese! And it was squished down so the cheese was pushed into the bread! All of the staff know that I don't do mixed up food. If she had asked me, she'd have known that I didn't want a sandwich at all, definitely didn't want a cheese one, and especially didn't want it with grated cheese.

Then she expected me to know where to put it (in the end she gave me the plate (it went on the floor)) and was asking whether I wanted the light above my stairs that she turned on left on. Then told me to text her if I wanted another sandwich!

Well if anyone's ever trying to get me to get dressed, ask me questions until I want to cry, give me a cheese sandwich, then ask more questions until I actually cry.

I got dressed in yesterday's clothes (and started bleeding, thanks shark week. There had been tiny bits for a few days but this was more) and walked out with just my phone and headphones. Not my coat or bag. I left at 9:50.

And now I've been gone well over an hour and no one's noticed. Well, that's based on the assumption that at this time of night if they did notice they'd try to contact me. And I can't go back because now it's the night staff in and they won't know I was gone and will see me go back in and aaaahhhhh no. I don't know what to do. I'm almost certainly going to be in deep shit when they find out. I can't tell my mum because she won't get it and will phone the house and nope. D is unlikely to be checking his work phone at this time. I don't know who would be checking their work phone. If it gets to 11:30 I might text D just in case he picks it up.

The plaster I had on the friction burn was stuck to the burn and I pulled it off (I knew it was stuck). Now it's bleeding/weeping so I can't pull my sleeve back down and it's freezing out.

devonwerkharder “sunday. be free. ••• shot by @scottsimock some years back while we created the photo series for my Here & Now EP. I still love those songs. I still love those shots. ••• sometimes you just gotta get naked with Nature.

It's 5pm and I'm still in bed. I did my T gel at 2, and that's all the time I've spent out of bed. Literally nothing else. Nada. (which also suggests I haven't drunk enough recently)

You may have been an Anglican Christian, and a Bishop’s daughter, but you made me remember my role as a Muslim. Whenever Ramadan rolls by and I tell you I wasn’t fasting, you’d always scold me as if there is no tomorrow.

I can almost hear your voice saying, “Hah! Sik posa!” (Hah! Not fasting!) And you will go on and on about how I SHOULD be fasting when I’m supposed to.

We were supposed to go break fast together this year, but He loved you more, and I thank Him for lifting the pain off you.