#27042019

(previous play)

(Joint project from @riddikulus und @shakshuka-grandpasweaters, translated from @girlwholovesagirl, @divingdeepintothewater, @m-ger and @julerocks. Please find the first play here. Here is the timeline and the link to the original blog @unsere-zeit-ist-jetzt. If you would also like to help translate, please contact one of us.)  

Saturday, 11:05 am:

David:

“Call me… if you want... “

*stops at the door for a moment and everything in him begs for Matteo to stop him, to ask him to stay, but he just sees Matteo nodding slightly and feels how the lump in his throat gets bigger and bigger so that he finally leaves with a heavy heart*

*is glad that he doesn’t encounter anyone in the flatshare, that Hans and his date apparently found the right room and nobody is staying in the living room or the kitchen*

*has the impression that the way through the living room and the hallway seems longer than usual - probably because he is walking slower than usual, hoping that Matteo changes his mind*

*reaches the apartment door and it sounds a bit final when it closes*

*makes it to the first stair landing downwards but notices that the lump in his throat got so thick that tears are now running down his cheek, suddenly his legs shake, his heart hurts and his head rushes*

*holds on to the railing slightly staggering and finally slides on the steps*

*tries at first to hold back his tears, to swallow them down, but gives in eventually, thinks that they maybe just have to get out - just a bit, only a small break because he knows he can’t stay here*

‘I lost him!’ - this single thought circles through his head non-stop and it’s difficult for him to not sob loudly and thus to draw the attention of some house occupant to him*

*just wishes to make it home, to face no one and to hide there in his bed, but the way back home seems to be light-years long and the thought that Matteo is just some meters away but still unreachable doesn’t make things easier*

*after a while he hears a door and some voices upstairs, he jumps up in panic - nobody should see him like that*

*wipes away the tears in a hustle and desperately swallows down the ones which still want to follow*

*stumbles down the last steps until the front door and leaves the house*

*unlocks his bike outside and pushes it to the curb*

*suppresses the urge to look once again up to Matteo’s window because he doesn’t want to feel the disappointment that, for better or worse, is brought by the hope that Matteo could be up there and stopping him*

*gets on his bike and drives off*

*notices after a few meters that tears come back into his eyes and tries to somehow organize his thoughts but can’t do it because he has to concentrate on the traffic and tries to avoid eye contact with by passers so that nobody sees how bad he’s doing*

*is glad when he finally arrives at home and locks his bike at the hoarding*

*runs his hands one last time through his face and takes a deep breath in case Laura is at home and sees him*

*doesn’t want any questions or a conversation right now, he just wants to pass her and have his peace*

*unlocks the door upstairs and immediately hears Laura sing in the kitchen*

*quickly closes his eyes when he realizes that Laura already noticed him and comes to the hallway, soon hears her cheerful voice: “I assume you have been at Matteo’s? Like always when my brother disappears overnight without a trace… Next time you could let me know…”*

*hears her stumble and opens his eyes only to see that she takes a step closer to him and asks: “What happened?”*

*automatically takes one step back towards his room door and shakes his head*

*feels the lump in his throat again*

Not now, okay?

*pushes his door open and disappears into his room, closes the door and leans against it from the inside*

*feels again tears in his eyes and how his sister knocks lightly against the door: “David?!”*

*shakes his head vehemently and says as strongly as he can and slightly angry*

Not now!!!

*then turns the key in his door lock and tumbles to his bed*

*buries his face in the pillow and at that very moment has the feeling of being able to relax and to finally cry freely*

*is almost scared of himself when he once sobs loudly and then cries bitterly into his pillow*

*somehow only has a few thoughts in his head that keep repeating themselves, that he has lost Matteo, that he should have told him earlier, that he should never have fallen in love with him, that it was predictable that Matteo wouldn't understand, that it was stupid of him to get his hopes up, that he shouldn't have gone to him last night and over and over again that he lost him*

*feels that at some point the big sobbing subsides and there are no more tears, but remains lying on the bed in the same position for a moment, reviewing the last 14 hours*

*when Matteo’s text came, he hadn't really thought it through - of course he wanted to be together with Matteo - how could Matteo think that he wouldn't want to*

*just the thought that Matteo could still feel the same way, that Matteo also still wanted to be with him, had made him get on his bike without thinking and ride over the short way to Matteo in record time*

*the doubt and fear had only come when he had already pressed the bell button and so he was quite happy that Matteo had asked him to wait downstairs for a moment*

*only at that moment he realized that he _had_ to tell Matteo, that now was the moment, right or wrong, but that Matteo deserved to finally know the truth, that he owed it to him, and that Matteo deserved to finally know the truth and an apology for breaking off contact so suddenly, because only if Matteo knew what it was all about they did have a minimal chance of actually being together*

*hadn’t the slightest idea how to explain it all to Matteo and would have loved to turn around and go back home when he heard the door handle*

*had nevertheless pushed the door open and heard a soft murmur at the top of the staircase, which briefly reinforced his flight instinct*

*just the thought of being able to see Matteo again had made him climb the stairs*

*and when he finally faced him, all the words had been gone, there was only the longing for Matteo and that big lump in his throat*

*had tried a few times to start, to give him at least an apology, but the sudden closeness to Matteo and the look in Matteo's eyes, which had radiated so much pain and confusion but at the same time also trust, longing and love, had made him forget all the words, so that he finally gave in to the ever increasing urge and simply hugged Matteo*

*had the feeling of finally being back where he belonged when after minimal hesitation Matteo had returned the hug and after a short time his racing heart calmed down a bit and his body relaxed*

*could not tell how long they had been standing in the hallway and just hugging each other, but at some point his thoughts and his bad conscience had become louder so that after a while he had slightly separated from Matteo and put his forehead against his*

*the words in his head still weren't in a logical order and besides there was a longing in him to live at least a little bit in the illusion that everything was good because they were together again, to live a little bit in the illusion that they were just two boys who liked each other and between whom there wasn’t this huge secret that could ruin everything*

*had at some point pulled himself together and started in a low, fragile voice, he got out: "Matteo, I'm so sorry that I..."*

*had not gotten any further, had stuttered another "I..." twice, hoping that some logical sentences might follow, but didn’t known how to begin*

*closed his eyes shortly for a moment when Matteo had at some point detached himself from him, but opened them again when he gently and carefully felt Matteo's finger on his hand and Matteo said in a low voice: "If you don't want to now, we can talk later... "*

*at that moment the lump in his throat was swollen again, because Matteo was just so good - good and understanding and patient and considerate - and he really deserved to know the truth and not be hurt again*

*but still he only nodded and followed Matteo to his room as if in a trance*

*there they laid on his bed - for what felt like hours - facing each other, Matteo had run his hand through his hair several times, stroked his cheek, held his hand and was silent, not pushing him*

*didn't dare to touch Matteo because he didn't want to give him any more false hopes, because the pressure to finally tell him the truth was so heavy and powerful that he didn't want to give in to the longing for more closeness to Matteo*

*can't really remember that he fell asleep at some point, only knows that he woke up once in the middle of the night and Matteo had his arms wrapped tightly around him from behind, as if he didn't want to let go of him - as if he was afraid he might have disappeared the next morning*

*hadn't dared to move and for a short time just enjoyed this feeling of security until the thoughts of his outing came back in the foreground*

*had nevertheless fallen asleep again at some point and woke up the next morning without a hug, since Matteo had probably turned away in the night after all*

*got up quietly and stepped to the window to sort his thoughts*

*had made up his mind to really get it over with, to face his fear, and suddenly had Laura's words in his head that it wasn't fair to deprive Matteo of the opportunity to decide for himself*

*was suddenly so sure that he wanted all of this, that he wants Matteo, that he wants to fall asleep in his embrace every night, that he wants to be close to him, the conversations with him, the security, the feeling that he was important to Matteo and knew that he only had the chance to get all this if he finally tells Matteo the truth*

*but when Matteo all of the sudden stood behind him, hugged him and tenderly kissed his neck, all of the fear and the thought of escape were there again, he had used Neuhaus as a reason and was ready to postpone his outing*

*the fact that Matteo had gotten angry, that he had gotten loud and accused him of wanting to fuck off again had been the deciding factor in the end - then he knew that he would lose Matteo if he put it off any longer and suddenly the words he had prepared had come back and he had told him so*

*is interrupted in his thoughts when he hears a soft knock on the door and shortly afterwards hears Laura's voice: "David?"*

*doesn't react and feels bad about it because he knows that Laura is worried, but he just can't talk yet, has to sort things out himself*

*hears Laura sigh and saying through the door: "I have to leave soon, I am meeting someone... but I can cancel if you want to talk..."*

*turns on his side, stares out the window and has to remember that he was in Matteo's arms when he looked out the window tonight*

*feels the tears come back to his eyes*

*longs back for that feeling and forgets for a moment that Laura is still at the door*

*hears her soon: "There's cocoa in the kitchen. It's still warm. If you want to talk, text me and I'll come right back, okay? - See you later!"

*hears the front door of the apartment shortly after and notices how he relaxes a little at the thought of not having to talk right now*

*would like to pick up on the thought he just had, but can't really concentrate or remember*

*attempts instead to exactly remember Matteo's reaction during the outing and can only now realize in retrospect that it was not as bad as he had imagined - Matteo seemed confused, overwhelmed, disappointed that he hadn't told him earlier, but he hadn't reacted pejoratively, hadn't judged him, hadn't insulted him, hadn't looked at him full of disgust or anger*

*only now realizes that Matteo didn't throw him out, that it wasn't Matteo who had ended the "conversation" - he hadn't stopped him, but he hadn't told him to leave either*

*realizes that maybe Matteo was just completely overwhelmed and wonders for a moment what would have happened if he hadn't left - would they have talked more? Would Matteo have had more questions? Would he perhaps have thrown him out at some point or would he perhaps have understood everything eventually?*

*feels a tiny little spark of hope building up inside him when he thinks that maybe Matteo just needs time to understand it all*

*is pretty sure that he means something to Matteo - why else did Matteo always sought his closeness, why else would he have broken up with Sara and stood outside his house after his text message, why else would he have been so miserable in the last few days and why else would he have challenged him with his message last night and implied that he wants to be with him - but can't really judge whether the fact that he is transgender changes Matteo's feelings for him or not*

*thinks that this is probably not only about feelings, but probably also about sexual attraction, logical thinking, the reputation among his friends, and much more - and that Matteo will probably not only think about this, but also about the fact that he didn't come out to him earlier, hurt him, and pulled away*

*hasn't the slightest idea if feelings alone can be enough to mask all the other stuff*

*closes his eyes at some point, because the view out of the window reminds him of Matteo's closeness again and he can hardly bear the thought that he might have lost him*

*clings to the tiny spark of hope that Matteo just needs time and maybe everything will be okay in the end*

“Where’d you say you’re from?” she asked me, excitedly.

“Nigeria.”

“Oh, he’s from Nigeria too,” she said, pointing at her friend who was sitting a couple of seats from her.

“I know,” I said. “She told me,” pointing to a mutual friend, the person who invited me to the party.