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[20210426] Youngjae’s IG story 

You’re ranting to me about something you care about for the 10,000th hour. I listen. I pick up the phone when you call and I listen. This is what I do. This is who I am. You’re telling me about your struggles and I encourage you. I believe in you. Try everything you want to do, there’ll be a way. It will work out. I won’t clip your wings. And if it won’t work out, I’ll be here. I’ll listen.

But today something is different. Because you talk about leaving. You say: we have plenty of time, let’s redo last summer. And I chuckle, saying: let’s just do half of the stuff and leave the other half out. You say that’s okay as long as we keep the fun. Silence sets in. I briefly wonder, I know we have two different definitions of fun. „What are you up to?“, you ask. For the first time in a long time you ask about me and I hate it. I take a breath. I don’t want to answer. I tell you that I plan on enrolling again. You ask what for. I tell you. And there it is. Your surprised gasp. „Why would you do such a thing? That’s completely different from what you’re doing now?! Who wants to teach bratty children?“ You sound disgusted. There it is. Judgement. I don’t defend myself. I tell you my reasons, that I think it would make me happy. I based my decision on thinking long and hard about myself. You still measure my decision with your own standard.

I can’t stop thinking about how much I hate telling other people about myself. Judgement is always awaiting, sometimes silent, most of the time noisy. I hate how people are unable to measure someone else’s decisions by anything than their own standards. More than anything in this world I want someone to see me. Someone I tell what I plan to do, who says: I see how that’s you. I know you’ve spend a great deal thinking about this and I can see why you see yourself there, I see it too. Or maybe: Babe, are you sure you’ll be happy with this? Have you considered everything else on your mind? I see the parts of you fit for that, but I guess it wouldn’t fulfill you completely.

god i love strawberries