April 25, 2019: Don’t deprive him of the opportunity to decide for himself
(previous play)
(Joint project from @riddikulus und @shakshuka-grandpasweaters, translated from @girlwholovesagirl, @divingdeepintothewater, @m-ger and @julerocks. Please find the first play here. Here is the timeline and the link to the original blog @unsere-zeit-ist-jetzt. If you would also like to help translate, please contact one of us.)
Thursday, 8:34 pm
David/ Laura:
*sits in his room at his desk with his phone in his hand and stares at the two blue check marks which show him that Matteo saw the drawing he send him two days ago*
*hadn’t expected an answer and basically doesn’t know what exactly he expected at all just knows that he misses Matteo incredibly and hopes that he is doing better*
*puts his phone away and stares at this sketchbook or rather at the drawing he finished two hours ago and uploaded to instagram - if someone knew him, if someone knew his secret, one could interpret a lot into this drawing. But it could also just be a normal drawing without any meaning*
*likes somehow that the interpretation is left open to the viewer*
*turns some pages back and stares at the drawings of Matteo he has next to his story about the fox and some other everyday moments he captured: Matteo with closed eyes, relaxed, Matteo laughing, Matteo with his wild hair which fall into his face, Matteo slightly absent, Matteo smiling, Matteo and his hands (even though he hates drawing hands and isn’t really good at it, but the moment he held Matteo’s hand was just too important and big)*
*barely notices that Laura enters his room and doesn’t look up when she puts a cup of cocoa on his desk, instead just mumbles a quiet “Thanks”*
*knows that she looks over his shoulder but doesn’t has the energy to hide the pages*
*eventually feels Laura’s hand on his shoulder and hears her quiet voice: “You are in love with him”*
*no question just a statement and he knows that she is right. That's why he doesn’t contradict her but just sights quietly once*
*she reaches over him and turns the page, he knows that she would stop immediately if he would stop her*
*that’s how she is seeing even more drawings of Matteo*
*hears her taking in a deep breath while she leans against his desk with her bottom to watch him*
*knows that she is currently looking for the right words and will probably find them eventually but he is not sure if he really wants to hear them*
*closes his eyes shortly when she starts talking: “Just tell him, David!”*
*shrugs and needs to clear his throat so his voice wouldn’t sound too hoarse, it still sounds pathetic and thin*
I will loose him…
*hears his sister now being more certain: “But this way you will lose him too!”*
*knows that she is right but still adds: “But this way he won’t think pejoratively about me”*
*hears his sister making a frustrated noise and feels her hands on his cheeks which forces him to look at her: “Now listen to me, David Schreibner! Nobody thinks pejoratively about you! And if someone does then only because his mental horizon is too limited to understand that there is more than what you get to see every day. And I don’t think that you would fall in love with a boy, who lacks the sensibility to understand what is going on inside of you! It is possible that he can’t or doesn’t want to be with you under these circumstances. But I don’t think that he will think pejoratively of you. If you lose him then because he has a problem. But that’s not you, you know! You are not a problem!”*
*has heard that frequently from his sister but unfortunately he also made the experience that sometimes it is just like that and regarding Matteo he couldn’t bear to go through that again*
*knows that it won’t make sense to disagree with her and therefore is quiet what doesn’t stop her to continue: “Basically you have two possibilities: Either you continue to hide in here, staring at these drawings and missing him - then you will lose him either way sooner or later because he will forget about you and continue his life. And to be honest I couldn’t blame him if he would think pejoratively that way because he never got a real explanation why you backed off…”*
*presses his lips together and feels a lump forming in the back of his throat*
*never really thought about the fact that stopping communicating could lead to Matteo thinking worse about him than he feared*
*is tempted to lose himself in his thoughts but forces himself to continue to listen to Laura: ...or you finally resolve things! Then you either will be at the same point at which you are now but with clarity. Or you have a chance to be happy with him. Did you ever think about that?”*
*sees her smile slightly and shaking her head probably because she knows him so well and continues to listen to her: “How I know you, you play out all possible horror scenarios in your head… But did you ever think about how it would be if he understands you? How it would be if he says he doesn’t care? How it would be if you really had a relationship? Maybe he needs his time to understand. Maybe he never heard anything about transgender in his life before and first needs to read about it or has a million questions. But there is a chance that you mean so much to him that he won’t care. There is a chance that you could be happy.”*
*he actually hadn’t given it much thought into the possibility that everything could be fine and is scared to get his hopes up just to be disappointed in the end*
*but now Laura had voiced this thought and it got stuck in his head and he somehow has the feeling that he should let it sink in*
*just shrugs and sighs quietly*
*doesn’t know what to say*
*Laura seems to notice that he doesn’t want to say something because he can again feel her hand squeezing his shoulders slightly*
*knows that that a final sentence is likely to come before she will leave him alone and that’s exactly how it is: “Don’t deprive him of the opportunity to decide for himself whether he wants you or not. You wouldn’t like it either if someone else would decide for you! If he really is that great that you fall in love with him in such a short period of time then he deserves to know!”*
*feels how she gives him a kiss on his forehead and then leaves his room*
*feels the thoughts racing in his head and stares at the drawings of Matteo in the meantime*
*at some point he has the feeling of being unable to grasp a clear thought, closes the sketchbook and lies down on his bed*
*is slightly annoyed by the fact that there are these pictures in his head now that pretend he could be happy with Matteo at some point*
*has the feeling that these pictures plant a completely unrealistic hope in his head which is fighting the fear that was so omnipresent so far*
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Tak Sekadar Membeli Beberapa kali saya membeli sesuatu, ada satu hal yang saya coba biasakan. Apa itu? Saya mencoba membuka percakapan dengan penjual tersebut. Meskipun tidak semua penjual yang saya temui saya ajak bicara, paling tidak saya sudah memulainya. Mengapa? Sebab saya selalu yakin bahwa ada sisi kehidupan orang lain yang tak pernah saya rasakan dan saya ingin mendalami perjalanan hidupnya yang panjang dan mengambil hikmah yang tentu saja akan sangat berguna bagi saya untuk menjalani kehidupan ini. Beberapa waktu lalu, saya berkenalan dengan seorang penjual domept kulit. Ah, sayang sekali saya sudah lupa namanya. Seharusnya saya sempatkan untuk meminta nomor gawainya. Tapi tidaklah mengapa. Semoga lain waktu masih bisa berjumpa. Saya ketahui bahwa beliau adalah orang Tuban. Ia sudah jarang pulang dan fokus bekerja sebagai penjual dompet kulit, tas kulit, sabuk kulit, dan lain-lain. Beliau begitu rindu dengan kampung halamannya. Saya hanya berdoa semoga beliau bisa lebih sering pulang ke kampung halamannya. Siang tadi, saya berbincang dengan penjual capcin (cappucino cincau) dan berkata bahwa saya begitu beruntung bertemu dengannya. Mengapa? Sebab saya sudah cukup sulit mencari penjual capcin hari-hari ini, terutama yang dekat dengan tempat saya bekerja. Saya ketahui juga ternyata beliau adalah pembantu di rumah belakang tempat beliau berjualan. Beliau bercerita bahwa anak-anak majikannya adalah lulusan MAN 2 Kota Malang. Saya pun terkesima. Saya lalu bercerita bahwa saya juga lulusan dari sekolah yang sama. Saya bangga dengan beliau. Beliau, meskipun sebagai pembantu, memiliki inisiatif untuk berjualan di depan rumah majikannya. Awalnya, saya kira malah beliau yang punya rumah tersebut. Beliau begitu bersemangat dan tampak sangat amanah. Tentu saja beliau sangat beruntung diizinkan berjualan di depan rumah majikannya setelah semua urusan rumah tangga selesai. Dari kisah-kisah tersebut, saya semakin ingin tahu kisah jatuh bangun mereka di bisnis yang sedang mereka jalankan. Sehingga menjadi pembelajaran yang begitu berharga bagi saya. #day115 of #365 #25042019 #HikmahKehidupan #latepost (di MAN 2 Kota Malang) https://www.instagram.com/p/BxWyuzngEBW/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1rk7chrs1amhc
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Every now and then, I find out that someone I know doesn’t know something that I always assumed was common knowledge, and I have to do a quick mental recalibration.Â
My first instinct, these days, is to congratulate, at least in my head, because of that one xkcd comic. I try not to make fun of people for admitting that they don’t know things. I think that’s rare, especially these days, and thus it’s a behaviour that needs to be encouraged.
However, sometimes it’s quite difficult. Like when you find out that someone you love doesn’t know where Nigeria is; or when the second world war started; or admit that they don’t know who Che Guevara is. To the uninitiated, that’s West-Africa, right after the Spanish civil war, and he’s the bearded dude with the beret on all the t-shirts.
Recently, my friend S asked me about some show on the internet, and when I told her that I’d never heard about it, she was shocked.Â
“Have you been living under a rock? Have you never been on the internet?”
But the Internet is not an IKEA showroom. There is no one path that everyone has to follow. In fact it’s possible for two people to use the exact same websites regularly, and not have any overlap whatsoever, as I’ve recently discovered with Youtube, and have always known with Tumblr.
“Did you know that Reddit has a NSFW section?” a friend asked recently.
“I only just found out that it has SFW sections.”
Knowledge is unevenly distributed. I guess it’s one of those things that’s obvious when you think about it. I rarely do, but now that I have, I don’t really know what to do with it except to say that when you find a gap in someone’s knowledge, help fill it up. And do so without bringing shame into the process.
