#24f

I’m sorry to hear that things haven’t improved or gone in a positive direction for you! ): that’s really frustrating for you, and I’m mad on your behalf. 

it’s absolutely not ableist to not date him, not at all. this isn’t about his disability, it’s about him crossing boundaries (that he may not be aware of) and making you uncomfortable, he’s showing romantic interest in you when you aren’t even attracted to men?! like right now his disability doesn’t come into it -- you’re lesbian and not interested in men, him acting on his feelings for you makes you uncomfortable because you don’t have any romantic interest in him or men in general.

not wanting to be friends with someone who has a disability can be ableist? but again in your situation, it’s not. you’re pulling away from the idea of being friends because of a constant pressure to spend money you may not have, or because of a pressure to be social when you’re not always wanting to be social. you’re pulling away from the friendship because of actions and behaviours he’s doing that don’t sit right with you, not because “he has a disability and he’s weird, he’s not normal, I don’t like that” (and that’s not even touching on the religious re. the aspect of harm inflicted on the lgbtqia community). 

there’s two things you (really) need to do, it won’t be easy but it’s gotta be done. firstly? kindly but clearly reject this guy. say thanks but you only see him as a friend, ask him not to give romantic gifts in future, keep things just as friends. second thing, is to tell your mum to shove it! maybe in a nicer way, but still, same sentiment. 

your mum needs to acknowledge and accept that you’re 24 yrs old, an adult! you’re free to make your own decisions about friends (and especiallyyyyyy romantic partners...), let her know you love her a lot but this isn’t something she can decide for you or pressure you into. it might result in an argument, it probably will? but this is a step too far for her, she needs to know that this isn’t ok and that his disability truly has nothing to do with it. if she yells at you? then so be it, but stand your ground on this. it won’t be easy and it probably will create conflict at first, but when the dust eventually settles? it (hopefully) will be worth it. let us know how things go friend, good luck <33

AIO about telling my(24f) boyfriend(24m) that he’s finding any excuse to get mad at me?

Okay so long story but here it is:

so my partner and I have been fighting nonstop lately. He has been hanging up the phone on me constantly and telling me he doesn’t want to talk as a bid to get me to beg him to talk to me(this was said verbatim btw). I have been feeling really unwanted lately because it’s like I’m constantly begging for attention tbh so I am pretty checked out from this whole thing. Now onto the current fight, starting off the day today I called him and got sent to voicemail with a text from him saying he doesn’t want to talk to me. I then tell him that all I want is to talk to him and that I’m constantly being rejected and how excited I get to talk to him.

I then ask him if he loved me and he answered it by saying yes, and when I didn’t respond back to his yes text, he texted me that I ignored him. I for one, didn’t think a yes or no answer needed a response and for 2, I was on the phone with someone dealing with a serious situation. As soon as I saw the text saying that I ignored him, I responded back(it was 40 mins later) by saying “hey I’m dealing with things” and he never texted me back. After getting off the phone with the person going through something, I start feeling extremely anxious and overwhelmed to the point where I am shaking from multiple other situations that are also going on in my life, and I also just wanted to talk to him so I called him. I tell him hey and that I am feeling extremely overwhelmed etc etc, and he responds back with , “so you’re not going to apologize for completely ignoring me or telling me what you were doing, you’re so disrespectful” and without even giving me a chance to say a word, hangs up on me.

I didn’t even think I needed to apologize! He believes he has every right to be upset, but it’s not just this he gets upset about… it’s everything.. I really feel like I’m going crazy because he forces/expects me to apologize for very very minimal things and things I wouldn’t expect someone to apologize for the other way around and if I don’t do it I’m getting ignored. I do feel like I’m constantly being nitpicked and walking on eggshells all the time. Photos are the aftermath of said conversation.

Reddit consensus: NOT OVERREACTING (NOR) (75% confidence)

Top comment: “NOR. It sounds very much like you are being abused and gaslit. Your partner shouldn’t be starting fights, being mean to you, or giving you the silent treatment. This is extremely abusive and toxic behavior, and it makes sense why you are feeling so confused and awful.”

Notable explanation: “NOR. I had a friend do this to me when I was around 21. He would get so mad at me for not responding, say he never wanted to talk to me again, and then apologize and say he didn’t mean it.

I didn’t stick around long enough to figure out why he was doing it.

Something it took me until almost 30 to realize, you don’t actually need to understand or talk through anything. Honestly the more you talk about it, the worse you’ll feel. I know that we’re told that communication in relationships is important and we want to feel like we’re being good, healthy people by talking through things with our partners.

But talking through unhealthy behaviors just encourages them. You’re validating his feelings by not nipping this in the bud immediately. You need to set firm boundaries like yesterday. And he’s going to have a very negative reaction. Enforce them anyway.

Like “hey I don’t think it’s healthy that you think I’m ignoring you for an hour. I don’t feel comfortable with that. I think you need to consider therapy. As for me, next time you do that, I will not be responding because it’s not healthy or good for me to engage in those kinds of conversations. They are unproductive and harmful to me” and then the more he does it and lashes out, you ignore him. You keep ignoring the bad behavior and distancing yourself. Either he learns and grows, or you break up. But if you do nothing to change things, it will get very unhealthy and toxic, even abusive, very quickly. Trust me, you do not want to go down that road. Especially not at 24. You’re still so young. You should be trying to enjoy your 20’s. Not defend your decisions to a partner.”

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24F & 25M AIO by responding this way?

a little context: we’ve been together over 6 years, he’s always been pretty insecure and controlling. we took a brief break earlier this year because of a similar issue (i didn’t include those texts, but everything has gotten worse since then) but recently during arguments he’ll single in on my responses to whatever he’s said/done to “trigger” said response from me. i just want to know AIO for beginning to openly respond “disrespectfully” when i feel like he’s being too much?

also the texts aren’t all from one day/situation/instance. it’s ongoing

View on Reddit

Reddit consensus: NOT OVERREACTING (NOR) (96% confidence)

Top comment: “What would compel you to keep dating this weirdo loser? He's not going to change. It is good for once to see someone stand up for themselves in texts and not take shit. Unlike many people who post here you do have a backbone which is very commendable. But you might as well use it to draw the logical conclusion, this goofus is always going to be an absurd person. Why tolerate this in your life at all? NOR.”

Notable explanation: “This is messed up. You are getting abused and even though you’re probably used to it after 6 years, THIS IS NOT NORMAL. He obviously has some issues he hasn’t been able to work through on his own. He needs therapy, not a girlfriend. You should leave, let him know when he gets help you guys can talk, and move forward. He is attempting to make sure you have little to not relationships outside of you two. He is spending time fantasizing about dudes following you or asking for your number instead of being a partner. If you continue to enable this or allow to to happen, he won’t get better, it will just get worse. No one deserves to live in a situation where they are walking on eggshells. You’re not over reacting, but you should definitely kick this dude to the curb.”

as far as I am aware of? there are no legal avenues for you in the event you get kicked out, as you’re over the age of 18 and considered an adult. link2home could be a good resource if you feel like your mum would threaten to kick you out? it’s an information & referral telephone service for homeless people / anyone at risk of being homeless. they have a hotline (1800 152 152) that you can call 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week. there’s also the caretakers youth refuge directory (there’s a handy app if that’s easier for you to use) which could have some helpful information for you too. 

if you’re not already, definitely apply for payments from Centrelink such as job seeker (previously newstart allowance) or jobkeeper  -- as you’re over the age of 22, you can apply for this without your mum’s income affecting the eligibility criteria.

it’s not a nice situation to be in, but I can kinda understand why your mum might be upset over you not selling the childhood dvd’s to her ): did she ask to buy them off you, and you decided to sell to CeX instead? maybe there was a sense of being let down because it felt to her like you weren’t being very thoughtful towards family members? maybe she felt like you were being dismissive over your childhood and something that held sentimental value? idk there could be a range of reasons as to why she took offence, and why there’s now tension over it all. 

is it possible to have a sit-down conversation with her about all of this though? does she know that you have less than 1K in your bank account, does she think you have more than then that and sees it as reasonable to ask for board? ask why she’s asking for rent -- even if you think you already know, it’s good to hear it from her. is it because she’s very much struggling financially herself, or more based on “principles”? ask if there’s any others ways you can “pay” instead, offer your time maybe? you could offer to cook dinner twice a week, or do the washing / cleaning on a weekly basis? you could offer to pay for a portion of the weekly food shop, or offer to buy things like washing detergent / toilet roll / soap when they’re needed? that way you’re still contributing financially, but it’s much less than a monthly rent sum and possibly more reasonable for you to be able to do. 

I had the worst relationship with my mum growing up, it was incredibly angry and aggressive and we’re both stubborn, I honestly can relate to something like this! but centrelink can help, and apply for as many jobs as you possibly can with the goal of being financially stable enough to move out. try your best to keep the peace with your mum in the meantime, take it one day at a time, see how things go. xxx

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if you genuinely don’t have the money or energy to always go out to eat, it’s not rude or mean to say that. boundaries are so important! even though I’ll be first to admit that I find it hard to say no to others (#serialpeoplepleaser) and I can relate, it really is important. you don’t have to keep refusing if that would make you feel really bad? but start to reply back with phrases like “I can’t go out today, but maybe next week instead?” or “I can’t afford to go out to lunch today, maybe we can just grab a coffee and go for a walk instead?” or something along those lines. 

it’s nice to be friendly! but not at the continued expense of your well being. given that he has an intellectual disability, it’s all the more important to set boundaries because he’s less likely to understand concepts like that. 

on the subject of him possibly asking you out? you absolutely you can reject him, his intellectual disability isn’t something to factor in. most western societies are pretty misogynistic and patriarchal, there’s so much pressure placed on women to placate men when it’s not our responsibility to! you deffs don’t have to come out to him if you’re not ok with that, you don’t need to say “sorry but I’m lesbian” as a way to justify why you’re saying no. if it ever does come up, if he does ask you out? just say thanks but no thanks, you think he’s kind and you see him as a friend :) that’s it, that’s all you need to say. it’s tough!!! and there’s been so many times in the past I’ve felt the need to come up with excuses as to why I’m rejecting someone, it does take practice. just know that you don’t “owe” him anything when it comes to this, you can say no, you can reject him without needing to justify yourself. 

I’m not sure what your parents are like? but I’d possibly be a little more assertive on expressing that you’re not ok with them pressuring you into dating this guy. it’s pretty disrespectful tbh, and takes away a lot of independence. if this guy ever does express homophobic views or beliefs, then you have every right to end the friendship, no matter what your parents might want. 

at the end of the day? you’re 24, you’re an adult! even if you live with your parents, being an adult does change the nature of the relationship and it does give you a lot more freedom and agency and independence. if you don’t live with them and you’re not ok with them pressuring / dictating who to be friends with, then (gently) let them know that. if you do live with them and you find yourself wanting to ‘keep the peace’ at home, try talking to them and maybe finding a compromise. all the best <33

Cyberbullying and Language

Hello, I hope you are all well. I am going to try and keep this appropriately summarized without it being too lengthy. I sincerely apologize if this turns out to be a long wall of text. In case if you need to know, I am a 24 year old female.

To start with, an incident occurred in September on Twitter, my friend had tweeted an unpopular opinion on a matter that is related to KPOP (for context, what he said was how the KPOP industry are not aware about cultural appropriation and that they’re not going to stop anytime soon because they think they are being welcoming to their international fans by adopting their elements and thinking it’s appreciation when it’s appropriation). Someone who I will call A, replied to my friend insulting him. It was upsetting to see that my friend was being spoken that way but what really triggered me is how A was consistently talking down on him in another language and using abusive terms and phrases which he obviously won’t understand, even when he was being polite and civil.

Because I am familiar with the language that A was using, I jumped in and I told A that it is understandable where their anger is coming from, but there is no reason for them to speak in an abusive manner and that too, in another language because 1) aside from it being cowardly, I think it’s ableist and 2) I think it is micro-aggressively racist. I had mentioned those two points in my tweet and A’s friend responded me in all capital letters and in mockery tone that I was wrong for telling A not to speak in her native language and for using the word “racist”. Everyone from A’s side collectively replied calling me shameless, a dumbass, fake woke, and what really got to me is how they still spoke in that very same language and used vulgar phrases like “she can go lick her own ass” thinking I wouldn’t understand. I never got to explain myself because of the number of people writing damaging things all at once. This affected me badly to the point I had physical symptoms like my head wouldn’t stop hurting, I couldn’t eat or sleep properly and because of the stress, I didn’t get my period like I was supposed to.

A even screenshotted my tweets and said, “when you have a humiliation kink” which was really nauseating to see because I have social anxiety and humiliation is one of my biggest fears and it happened. The other triggering thing about it is that I am Half Black Half Indian and I had faced a lot of bullying and discrimination in school where my classmates would unknowingly switch to another language whenever I was around and indirectly say a lot of things like they would call me “Kaali” (means Black in Hindi but with a negative connotation in this situational context) and it instilled a lot of anxiety. That is why I had called it microaggresively racist because I didn’t know how else to call it. I blame myself for getting involved in that community because there is a lot of aggression and I am just too sensitive for these things, but I also couldn’t bring myself to stand back and see someone behave demeaningly to a friend.

I do have to add that my other friend actually spoke to A who explained their perspective and said they felt invalidated and hurt that I accused them for being racist and ableist in some way when they have been a victim to it racism which is why their friends targeted me all at once and got abusive because they were furious. They also said they spoke in their native language out of habit. A was also told that I was affected from this just as much and they explained to my friend saying I shouldn’t engage in KPOP stan Twitter in the first place because it’s not meant for sensitive people. I later reached out and apologized to them and they also apologized back saying they were sorry for hurting me too. I thought this would give me some relief and it does in a minimal way but my mind would just not stop replaying those harmful words and it always brings me to tears and triggers a lot of other bad memories.

I am dealing with two issues right now. One — It’s almost the end of November now and I feel ridiculous that this hasn’t left my mind. It traumatized me and I can’t even bring myself to enjoy the simplest things or be happy because my mind keeps taking me back to that incident. Two — I don’t feel that it was wrong of me to call A’s action subtly racist and ableist. Even though I haven’t fully comprehended it yet, I don’t deny invalidating A’s feelings because they feel strongly about cultural appropriation and I was somewhere wrong with my approach. I just find it awful that someone would suddenly switch to another language you are not fluent in and use that tactic to degrade you. This is not to say that people shouldn’t be conversing in their mother tongue. I find it concerning when you’re conversing WITH someone NEGATIVELY in a different language or indirectly speak about you in your presence and there’s nothing you can do in your defense. I just believe I am not entirely irrational about this because I always felt invalidated.

This turned out much longer and I know I have exceeded the limit, so I am really sorry that you have to read all this but thank you for taking the time to do so. Please take your time in responding to this. I am grateful a platform like this exists because I genuinely didn’t know where to go with this.

some people can just be bloody awful, can’t they? ):

A sounds like a really mean spirited and cruel person -- if they’re not a friend then block all communication with them, if they are a friend then end the friendship and then block all communication with them anyway. they doesn’t sound like the kind of person you need in your life at all, not worth the energy. 

even though “social media is what you make it” and you can control your social media experience in terms of what kinds of people you follow and what content you see? I think twitter is one of the worst social media platforms, it’s almost like people become even more emboldened and brazen by the lack of anonymity in expressing negative attitudes and toxic behaviours. 

I think it’s understandable that you still feel traumatised by what happened on twitter, a whole lot of people ganged up on you for no reason. even though I don’t know the specific kpop band you’re talking about? kpop does have a long history of racism and cultural insensitivity, I feel like you were probably right in the things you said to A regarding micro-aggressions and ableism. however!!! you gotta pick your battles, know when it’s the right choice to fight and when it’s a better choice to walk away and fight another day. if someone is already using racist / ableist language? chances are that they’re not going to listen when they’re being told that the language they’re using is racist / ableist, especially if it’s being said publicly. 

honestly? A (and associated friends) sound like pretty negative and aggressive people, and definitely not worth wasting a second more of energy on. know that your own feelings about this are valid, and that you didn’t do much wrong. all you can do is learn from this for the future -- avoid engaging in a conversation (or argument..) with people who already display racist and bullying attitudes. it was so kind of you to jump in and defend your friend, but next time maybe just tell your friend to block any future online attacks like this and avoid engaging. take care xxx