#24.1.18

.. I get up, gather my things. Do the casual “….by the way … “ as I stand up. 

She looks at me. I look at her, clearly oblivious to the fact that what I have said is concerning. 

She says "I think we should sit back down”

Things are going better. I feel better, and I am trying to remind myself to take it day by day. I have come to realize and accept that things take time, and this is my main fault when it comes to starting new experiences. I have become accustomed to pick up things that were already initiated, and the history gave these situations entirely different trajectories. But this is something new. And just because feelings are there does not mean they are cemented in the ways I am used to. And that is okay! 

It takes time to build up foundations, and it takes time to build the types of things I want. So that is what I am focusing on, taking my time. Not only to learn about myself, how I feel, and what I need, but also to understand this other human being and get to the level that we are both striving for. 

Rome wasn’t built in one day, and neither are human connections. So for now, I am enjoying the ride, enjoying the conversations and the getting to know him. But I am not going to rush. Because, tiempo es lo que hay, and rushing things has never really worked out for me. 

If I were dead the mortgage could be paid off, the house could be rented out. Dogs have their paperwork to travel (not sure about kitty though) and He could move to his sisters or go back to the UK; rent or sell the current house - no rush to decide.

She says there is being organised and there is planning and she need to know which it is.

I think it’s a bit of both. There is no immediate plan or intent but should something go horribly wrong I need to know I’ve sorted out what I can.

She tells there is a lot more to it that just the paperwork; that having it organised is one less thing to worry about but there is a much larger impact that you can’t quantify and that you can’t just put a monetary value to a life like that.