#223rd

No don't stop you are not allowed to stop just keep doing you will find out

It's true that you just need to keep trying isn't it she is really right, keep yourself busy because once you spend a minute to think you will certainly feel so down and depressed because of those rejections. But if you get carried away with others things occupying yourself then the rejections turn out to be something light enough to be... to be.... something blah blah blah sorry couldn't find the words :)) 

What the heck is that? :))

Well because you want to keep writing without spending a moment to think or just halt for anything that's why :") and for a moment I couldn't find any word to fill in the blank so oh well just say 'something something' you automatically feel what I mean right? :))

This is certainly the most crappy thing you ever did and to think that after a crisis you came back here and make this one, way to see how you yourself change :)) 

I said to myself I need to start, and so I just start because the moment I will stop and think I will immediately click another link or open another tab and then in a flash! You see yourself doing something else. Besides I don't really have concrete ideas of what to write at the moment, well okay I need to say something about me this past few months. No actually is that one month for more exact? 

Yeah yeah yeah it's a lot of changes! :) To be honest, right now everything seems really clear. Actually is that because you already live in fears? You are ALREADY worried, scared, wondering and exhaustively fear of something and that's why there is nothing more to worry, to be scared or fear about, because you have already done it, already living in it at this very moment, when thinking about that you just realize 'oh well, I am already in it, then what's the point to be scared!' :)) You know what I mean right? If you are 'already' scared, if it's already happened, then there is nothing to be scared any longer :)) You know what I mean right right right?

Shut up, are you repeating words because you are trying to find yourself time to think about something else to write while still keep writing because you said that you will not stop touching the keyboard until this whole thing is done :)) 

Touche. Haha. How cunning of me =))

So yeah I get it, it is so fearful that it turns to be fearless because you have already experienced the fear, gone into it, into it, deep into it, and therefore, out of it.

Well let's just say, you already know what it's like the fear itself, yourself in front of it, you see, you are always just scared things you don't know. That's why you fear. Now you 'know' what fear itself is like, you are in it, feeling it, then after that there is no longer fear.

I think you are repeating the whole thing again please talk about something else or just go to bed :))

Oh well, you see there is a lot going on with me and the reason I didn't really write is because I thought there are too much that I think I should organize my thoughts before throwing all out, and also, you know what I mean, wanting to leisurely spend great amount of time carefully writing.

I.e. time to 'prepare' to write so that you could write 'better'

Exactly :)) that explains how I haven't started any.

And now, again, to another extreme, as you spent so long preparing and not yet writing any, you ended up writing the whole chunk of stuffs here without preparing :)) Well done extreme nut :)) And sorry to point out AGAIN, you are fucking extreme again

Oh my goodness, you are fucking right!!! :)) You just help me articulate what this whole writing is about. Okay fine, I admit it. But right now I will conclude something that I learnt so far, I hope I could do so before running out of energy and go off somewhere else :)) Okay first, governmentality!

WTF :))

Well as I have to keep writing without stopping for a single second, whatever comes to my mind will be written out :))

-))) Yeah whatever. Oh rather, you just need to spot on a clearly-defined problem from which you could develop further, get a fixed point :))

Anyway coming back to Governmentality, we have realized recently a painful, yet, ... something something (no time to think lol something relating to 'grown-up' mature way of thinking I guess) truth that WE DO NOT WANT FREEDOM.

Oh certainly we never do. But we thought we want freedom so so bad. And the whole thing going abroad so far is to crave for certain freedom. But firstly you realized you are governmentalized for so long that we are automatically imprisoned. 

And gradually, we just realize that we are governmentalized too deeply that we actually do not want freedom at all.

Yeah, give me an institution. Please institutionalize me. I want to be institutionalized. Full stop.

And I have had a moment of sadness when realizing what's-already-there - This philosophy by the way, the philosophy of 'the invisibility of everything that is already clearly visible' is damn right :)) Anyway, it's sad because you just realize you actually can't be an individual :)) 

Oh well, as you haven't had skills to be an individual ... yet. I mean, come on, life is still all about process. Building up skills now and it's not too late as you are not going to die next few years yet so just let yourself be govermentalized properly and you then can turn to a proper individual :))

True hah. Realizing it is not so bad after a while, or rather, when you already feel sad what's else?!!? :)) when you are already sad, it just happens that you come to feel happy. Similarly, when you are already scared, it just happens that you come to be fearless :))

Anyway one thing is settled! Being institutionalized is a MUST it is, you just need to find the very good institution. Allow me to stress the 'very good' - PROPERLY GOOD - SERIOUSLY GOOD ;)

Yeah yeah what's Mom saying again? "Birds with same feathers flock together"? or 'Goods birds choose good land in order to grow'?

Don't know but what you said is obviously lame by the way, but to carry on rather than checking Mom's letters to find those exact quotes again, I will say 'You are still free in a sense that now you can CHOOSE how you want yourself to be institutionalized' :) Seriously you can decide whatever you want as your future now, what kind of institutions you want to go to ;) Doesn't that sound fun?

=)) Except for the fact that it doesn't mean that particular institution may want me =)) True story. Reality. Cruel world.

At least you can TRY, you can LEARN how to decide, you can DECIDE! And if you failed, at least you try something you want. At least you do not just... wait for whatever comes, relying on whatever's available. You actively search for something. You make a difference already :) So just have a go :) And you will see how controlling your own life could actually turn out to be quite fun. It must be interesting and entertaining!

Yeah! After all, ALWAYS HOPE FOR THE BEST AND PREPARE FOR THE WORST :)

And be PATIENT :)

Absolutely utterly patient and of course, PERSEVERANCE! 

You will find something. You will find where you belong. "There is a will, there is a way". If you seriously desire it, you will certainly find ways to get it ;)

Okay. Done! One thing is settled.

There is more? :))

Yeah actually I don't know. I kind of need to stop writing now as I run out of whatever could suddenly pop up in my head. I think I should stop to think for what else, or the whole writing just might be full of craps. Oh oh.... on the second note, my skin is stupidly sensitive :)) 

Is that what you come up with to keep writing? =)) Oh dear

But seriously! I went out under that sun, and later at night my skin got increasingly itchy :(( 

Yeah remember the rash period when you find yourself unconsciously scratched non-stop at night, to the extent your legs got burnt and reddish like a filthy sick creature? 

I even got panicked thinking I got ringworm,  or meningitis, or whatever seriously scary :)) luckily it's just skin irritation. And later I kind of concluded that it might be because I didn't use Comfort to soothe fabrics when washing clothes, and I used Daz for cleaning which I think is quite strong, and without Comfort, you know ... T_T

Yeah and the incident with that stupid spider bitch (or bastard I don't care) when your whole left leg even got numb :)) how funny you even thought you might have to cut your left leg because the infection might spread further to endanger your life :)) Your imagination is dramatically priceless dear =))

Oh shut up it was really a pain in the ass you know. And then, later, the continuing allergic reaction to sugar, particular that chocolate topping in Eclair. 

Yeah but you could eat it, just not too much at the same time.

How was I supposed to know at that time! Gosh I was so sick later, seriously sick, and I think I got itchy continuously as well. Just like RIGHT NOW, I am feeling itchy on my face :(( Damn the sun, I want winter back! 

The whole last uni year got highlighted like that :)) How sad hahahaha =))

Just lead to second truth, painful one again that is: I don't know my body at all. Seriously, the body is disconnected to the feeling, the feeling's disconnected to the mind, the mind's disconnected to the body. How is that possible that there are three separate entities living entirely in one single ENTITY? How I seriously wonder why.

Hm... suddenly bringing me back to Foucault :)) "Everyone knows what they are doing, they know why they are doing what they do, but what they don't know is what what they do does". BRILLIANT.

Oh don't mention that name. YOU DON'T SAY =)) 

Oops only few minutes left before the computer shut down due to low battery. Any last word? :))

Can't keep writing without stopping writing anymore. Let's just call it an entry =))