#220514

A cold river flows between the author and their writing. To get to their writing, they must cross it. The only reason anyone would suffer that repeatedly is either because their reality is just as cold, or because they enjoy pain. For the author, it used to be the latter.

구구절절..

Every single word..

Cont. from previous. That or they wanted to gain something, even if they had to cross the river for it. But now, they're not as cold nor do they want anything that desperately. They created refuges of stability, so now they don't have to cross the river. Now they don't feel like dying if they don't write - writing feels like death. What kind of writing can come from a life of stability? Thinking like that is a problem - that easy isn't legitimate, that only hardship and suffering can make writing that is true and has value.

They talk about feeling cold-hearted and cynical but also full of heat. Alternating between burning and freezing, they lost a lot of energy. It's more productive to have just the heat. Seen differently, their hate for the easy is evidence contrary to their high expectations of the world.

The closer they got to the great literature and movies they loved, the smaller they felt. So they had to change. The only way to live was to remove the illusion of greatness. Nothing has absolute beauty. The choice is between establishing a different value system, or quitting and doing something else. Unable to do either, the author just stopped in place. They need more time, to think or to let go and move on. Until then, they want to write, even if it's fake. The only way to tell if it's fake or real is to write it.

same story..

"The thing I believe in the most is writing. Even if it is a place I cannot reach, I do not know how to live a life that is not heading towards it."