grateful & moving on
the past couple of weeks have been nothing short of a rollercoaster ride that doesn’t seem to want to end. but if there’s something that’s happening, it’s definitely slowing down. i’m getting better, and i’m feeling better. but i think a lot of what happened/happens in my life has always been a catalyst for better days, a stronger me.
i’m not sure why i feel like there’s just something still left unsaid. perhaps it’s still my doubts, my confusion, my subconscious, my intuition. these are things that can be sabotage, but more often than not, they remind me that humans are not just black and white, pen and paper. i have no resentment, no anger. what i do feel a lot is hurt, and nostalgia. and i miss everything. and i guess if there’s one thing left for me to say is that, i’ve been so happy with my life in the past two years because of this person. and i appreciate him for everything, everything. he taught me to grow, to fight for myself, to find a part of me i never thought existed. even till the end, when things just got confusing, i thought that that was a lesson too.
if there were things that were not said, expressed to me, hidden from me, there could be a reason. if there was someone else, there could be a reason too. if things changed so drastically, there could be a reason. there’s a reason these things happen, and i’m okay with it. now at least, i wasn’t at first. but now i know, with honesty and sincerity, there’s also going to be confusion and maybe deception. that’s always a shadow and fear that haunts me. but i’ve decided to not focus on grey possibilities and trust, like what i’ve always done in this whole relationship. trust, be grateful for what we had, and accept it.
it’s hard to say the words move on because it’s not a simple task at all. but i owe it to myself to give myself happiness. pining over possibilities are more often than not, a far-fetched action that may lead to nothing. i will always trust the universe to bring me good things, and if he is meant to be in my life, he will be. but i know in my heart of hearts, the best things now is really, to love myself and just be grateful for what we had/have. i will always have love for him and be grateful. no matter the circumstances. i just need to not feel the hurt that comes with it anymore.
and i think i’m slowly learning how.
how can i be wallowing in sadness when i’ve got so much love around me? seriously, i could not be more blessed to be surrounded with incredible, supportive people. checks on me everyday, sends me a card of encouragement, sends me words of affirmations, take the time to spend time with me. i cannot afford to look past these amazing creatures in my life - when your life is at the darkest, there will always, always be light. and i am so so grateful.
i feel in a lot of ways, this has broke me down, but i’ve also felt myself grow in many other areas in my life. once again, i’m just really thankful. if you’d ask me at the beginning of last week, i’d have told you i felt like a vessel. but now, i feel like a vase carrying flowers of hope and purity, i’m holding everything dear to me, close to me.
everything happens for a reason. i’m glad i’m still smiling (a small one) now though.
