20 something and art

the past couple of weeks have been nothing short of a rollercoaster ride that doesn’t seem to want to end. but if there’s something that’s happening, it’s definitely slowing down. i’m getting better, and i’m feeling better. but i think a lot of what happened/happens in my life has always been a catalyst for better days, a stronger me. 

i’m not sure why i feel like there’s just something still left unsaid. perhaps it’s still my doubts, my confusion, my subconscious, my intuition. these are things that can be sabotage, but more often than not, they remind me that humans are not just black and white, pen and paper. i have no resentment, no anger. what i do feel a lot is hurt, and nostalgia. and i miss everything. and i guess if there’s one thing left for me to say is that, i’ve been so happy with my life in the past two years because of this person. and i appreciate him for everything, everything. he taught me to grow, to fight for myself, to find a part of me i never thought existed. even till the end, when things just got confusing, i thought that that was a lesson too. 

if there were things that were not said, expressed to me, hidden from me, there could be a reason. if there was someone else, there could be a reason too. if things changed so drastically, there could be a reason. there’s a reason these things happen, and i’m okay with it. now at least, i wasn’t at first. but now i know, with honesty and sincerity, there’s also going to be confusion and maybe deception. that’s always a shadow and fear that haunts me. but i’ve decided to not focus on grey possibilities and trust, like what i’ve always done in this whole relationship. trust, be grateful for what we had, and accept it. 

it’s hard to say the words move on because it’s not a simple task at all. but i owe it to myself to give myself happiness. pining over possibilities are more often than not, a far-fetched action that may lead to nothing. i will always trust the universe to bring me good things, and if he is meant to be in my life, he will be. but i know in my heart of hearts, the best things now is really, to love myself and just be grateful for what we had/have. i will always have love for him and be grateful. no matter the circumstances. i just need to not feel the hurt that comes with it anymore. 

and i think i’m slowly learning how. 

how can i be wallowing in sadness when i’ve got so much love around me? seriously, i could not be more blessed to be surrounded with incredible, supportive people. checks on me everyday, sends me a card of encouragement, sends me words of affirmations, take the time to spend time with me. i cannot afford to look past these amazing creatures in my life - when your life is at the darkest, there will always, always be light. and i am so so grateful. 

i feel in a lot of ways, this has broke me down, but i’ve also felt myself grow in many other areas in my life. once again, i’m just really thankful. if you’d ask me at the beginning of last week, i’d have told you i felt like a vessel. but now, i feel like a vase carrying flowers of hope and purity, i’m holding everything dear to me, close to me. 

im actually glad nobody uses tumblr anymore because at least i can pour my heart out here.

my first ever relationship was manifested out of excitement, love, curiosity of what being in union meant. my understanding of what a relationship started there. being a young girl with no textbooks to learn from, i figured my way through it like a nervous child. and in itself came obstacles which i could not jump over. i was met with an abusive, physically and emotionally, partner. that out of many other reasons, was why i left, on my own accord.

my second experience with love, felt a lot lighter. but that also came with its cons - a relationship filled with lightness is also a symbol of immaturity and stagnation. my partner did not understand what emotional qualities are important to people, did not necessarily have the ambitions i wished my partner would have. and i guess, feelings faded too. out of many other reasons, i left too, voluntarily.

i walked through the rest of my years dating and seeing people. but no one ever matched me intellectually, emotionally and physically. until i very unexpectedly met him.

with every kind of friendship that turned into more, this was just like the way you think it’d be. but i guess he was a lot more than just that. he gave me the security, the wisdom, the support, the challenge, the warmth that i needed. in a lot of ways, that equates to some kind of emotional connection. some call it love, some call it friendship. whatever it is, it completed me in ways i could never really illustrate with words. i can daringly say i had, and will always have, a lot of love, and space for him. and in a lot of ways, i recognise the separation was because of me. because i called for it.

sometimes, regretting isn’t enough. every word you say, actions you do, may not be reversible. and i learnt the very hard way here.

at the end of the day, i feel sorry that there isn’t more to this to him now that i’ve opened the pandora’s box. with regret and the former, it just seemed like, what i learnt, and was taught about traditional relationships, didn’t make sense anymore. sometimes, being in the moment was everything, everything that you need. is it worth giving it up for what they say love meant? no it is not. trust me, i’m bearing the brunt of the realisation, i would know.

you know the feeling when you know you cannot love anymore? because you know there’s nothing greater than what you’ve felt? nothing could be greater than this. whatever we had, felt so special, to me at least. and the warmth i felt when i was with him is something quite unconditional. i don’t think i could ever hate him or bear any bad feelings for him. because that’s what adoration and love is supposed to be - unconditional.

i’m still trying to make sense of this. i doubt i’ll ever move on from this, i don’t know how to. i’ve learnt so much, and felt so much, and seen so much, that i don’t know if there’s anyone who could fill me up the way he does. it’s like having the source of light and happiness in your life taken away from you.

there’s many things to look forward to in life still. and i’m never going to stop improving myself, loving myself, pursuing my goals. it just sucks now that i have to do it without the perfect partner. who am i going to share my achievements with? or if i have troubles, i won’t be able to turn to him anymore? these are the moments i think about the most - i don’t really need fancy dates, expensive gifts, just really needed his heart and soul. but at this time, it’s not mine to have.

this was the first relationship that ended not because i wanted it to. and maybe that’s why it’s so hard for me.

when will it get better? i don’t know.

i know he will never read this, but with all the love i have for him, i just hope he bears no resentment at all. maybe in a more divine timing, or another life, we could try again. but for now, i’m content if he’s still part of my life somehow, even as a friend. he was and i still do see him as my best friend. i’ll always have space for him in my heart.

i guess i’ll forever just, be here.

i guess heartbreak teaches you many things. and shows you what was worth the hurt and pain. 

I woke up feeling not so good about myself.

Maybe it’s the hormonal changes - my skin didn’t look so good and I slept badly so my piercings all kinda started feeling sore. So overall, just not so good. 

the buildings stay the same,