#2022 stuff

Trying to figure out what I did in the past relationship and learn from it, I'm realizing it's been too long to properly remember - barring a few occasions where i distinctively remember chose being Correct over letting things go - like when she started arguing which way from Solaris to Viru is shorter, and I suggested we each take one route and time it - I'm realizing most of what I did was more subtle than arguments, arrogance, alienation and alliteration.

And I'm ready to admit that my patience is still more multifaceted than I'd like. Was I patient when she confidently claimed that I cannot measure the weight of a cat by standing on the scale by myself, and then again while holding the cat? I think so. Did I never grin during that? I don't know.

In previous relationships, whether consciously or not, I tended to let relationships get cold, hoping the other party would break up with me, and save me the agony of taking control of my life and admitting that sometimes relationships end even if they're mostly nice.

And so now, I can only try to imagine what 2019 was for her. Me growing colder. More insecurities creeping in, more everyday doubts, more nonverbal accusations, spiraling down more --- which was really a downward ping-pong as she was dismissive about my hobbies, me refusing to keep my phone on at night, she being jealous of making new friends, me making a point of making friends with everyone I could.

Then '22 happened and I realized things can be different. That misunderstandings can be nipped in the bud right away. That "what do you mean?" can be fully non-threatening and habitual.