#2022 diary

a part-time job is at its tail end today. i knew this would happen but i didn't want to acknowledge it for it to not become real. if i didn't act like my dad and my mom, i wouldn't have stuck myself in a job that's going to end inevitably soon. i wouldn't have told myself to look for greener pasture while also doing nothing to look for said greener pasture.

it's graduation yesterday. if i persevered through 2020 and not let my worst get the best of me, that would have been me with them. i would have closed that chapter of my life prettily. maybe i could have been working on a job that's related to the course that i've studied for 5 years. the alternate scenario is me going into the bpo industry, because the good money is there for people like me.

fourteen days before writing this post, my parents told upfront that i needed to secure their future for them too. and that threw me for a loop, because graduation season was up and coming that time, and i was facing the existential dread that comes with not being a failure in life.

seven days before writing this post, i was recovering. i still hate that my life is barely holding on to any sense of control but that was becoming bearable. i fooled myself into thinking that my existence exists in a vacuum, when that can't be farther from the truth when i'm the supposed breadwinner of an asian household in a third world country. that was on me on lulling myself to a false sense of security.

last weekend, i was looking forward to this week. because i was determined to break off the old habits. because i was resolute in settling paperwork and starting to find jobs that pay more. because i was hopeful that this week was going to be productive and i can turn things around, one step a time.

but today just had to happen, apparently.

the final straw. the straw that breaks the camel's back. the cherry on top. the final push to just sleep this day away.

i'd love to write on this that this is just a minor setback. that tomorrow, i'm going to be okay. that eventually, i'm going to be up and running soon. that today might not be my day, but tomorrow might be it for me.

you mean i have to slave away to get a fucking degree, get a job that pays relatively well in order to afford things i want and need? to feel like i'm living well?

you mean to tell me i won't have any sources of income when i'm a senior citizen? and when i actually stick with my decision that men are not worth all the trouble, i'll end up possibly penniless, single, and alone? that's why i get the sick logic of people marrying for convenience and getting financial security in the form of raising a kid?

you mean, i can't fucking kill myself and get this over with because of the attachment i already have with the people who has chosen to still be part of my life despite me being me?

i have half a mind to just quit now and deactivate and start a new life again to escape this internship. because i can do it. i have done it many times since the pandemic. i can actually not go on any social media sites for four months and not be bothered (a whole lot bothered but can't do anything about it because i am who i am) that i haven't contacted any person outside family for days on end.

but also. i don't want this pattern to happen again. i can now recognize my (seemingly) self-sabotage ways and my half of mind wants me to not revert back to my old habits and venture into the unknown. the unknown being an internship that really has no hold for me besides emotionally because this is unpaid work. so i really have to do out of passion, which is something that i haven't done in a while.

what i also haven't done in a while is attempt to change these said self-sabotage. people were lying when they said that acknowledging your fault was half the battle. it isn't. really, really isn't. it's only the 1/4 of it. facing your flaws, thinking of resolutions for it, and maintaining it to stave off the same pattern from repeating again—that's the rest of the battle, not to mention the most difficult parts too. it's really easy to admit that you've fucked up, especially if you've practiced saying it in your head for a while now. but picking up the pieces of the damage you did to yourself? reaching out for help when you've been relying on yourself all along? acknowledging and actually doing something to change your ways? it's so, so easy to just stay on the first part and think you've slayed the dragon.

this time, though, i'm going to wax more poetic. i'm not going to listen to that part of my mind that says i should just give up; i'm listening to the one that says power through in my favorite ex-roommate's energetic, enthusiastic voice. i'm also going to acknowledge that this internship will not singlehandedly defeat my ultimate nemesis. but i also know that there are chinks in their armour that i can severely wound.

slowly but surely, until it weakens.

and it is beaten altogether.

february 7, 2022 - sleeping has always been my go-to response ever since i recognized my pattern of dealing with stress or any kind of pressure. and now, i just want to fucking go to sleep and not prepare fucking slides for this unpaid internship. there's really no motivation to do this other than me wanting to belong in a community (because i am the outlier in this group) pero since i've always been kind of used to be alone, that's not enough motivation to do this! PLEASEDFGHFDG sobrang. idk. i want out. pero i promised myself that i won't. and i've let go of so many opportunities to grow and learn this past few years that i can't mess this up. and i don't want to.

so i guess the solution is to think of a game plan then take a nap. maybe i'll get my creative juices going after the nap.

(update: 5:06 pm and eic updated on the gc and asked if may pitches and i'm here like ?????? pwede bang wala ??????? kasi i can't decide if ano bang theme ng akin pero balik na lang ako mga 6pm kasi gagawa ako!!! dapat!!! paimpress keme!!! huhu ewan!!!!)

(update: 10:54 pm! rinig ko kaba ko sa boses ko parang tanga!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ramdam kong hindi ako humihinga!!!!!!!!! pero buhay pa ako after!!!! this is why practice is important AHA!!!!!! HAY NAKO NEXT TIME NO CRAMMING NA)

a summary: i was stressed out because a presentation was in a few hours and i spent the last two days not doing it. i took a nap, procrastinated, and finished it with a few minutes to spare. i botched the presentation because i couldn't remember to breathe at times and my mouth couldn't articulate what my brain was trying to say, which is, my most known weakness (i abhor public speaking). the people were all nice enough to say i did great (they have to be nice, i'm the outlier! i'm the new kid! it's basically their obligation at this point!).

ngl i'm still cringing whenever i remember it and my brains loves to bring it up when i'm being idle which is fucking torture i want to cry. but! it was an experience i needed to have. this is to make up for the college internship where i didn't learn anything worthwhile and can be of use when i enter the workplace.

on times that i don't cringe, i'm really happy that i made the decision to go through with it and not chicken out like what i usually do. i was brave for the first time in a while, how about that! here's to more experiences of growth (but less cringy moments please) on this internship.

Why You Should Start A New 2022 Diary

A daily diary or planner is so important in my everyday life, I feel like everyone needs one. It helps me to stay organised, it helps me to keep track of everything that I need to, but also it helps me to remember things. If you’re the kind of person that struggles to keep up with everything going then a daily diary or planner is definitely the way to go. This year, instead of going for a Passion…